Sometimes I just feel like I'm twelve all over again

[jackofallgeeks]

Ok, so I know this is really stupid, but... My birthday is in two weeks (about 13 days, depending on how you count), and it occurred to me that I hadn't told anyone what I'd like for my birthday. (It later occurred to me that no one had asked.) So I wrote up a quick email to my mom, sister, and grandma (the three who, for whatever reason, I thought might care the most) with a little run-down of the sorts of books, movies, CDs, etc that I'd be interested in. Mostly, I just wanted to point them to the local game shop (so that, if they were so inclined, they could purchase from there and support the independently owned shop) and curtail last-minute queries of what I'd like (as happens most years).

This afternoon I got a little email beck from my grandpa asking for the prices of these things, as they have a lot of grandkids and a fixed income and budgeting and stuff. And that's perfectly understandable. (Though, out of curiosity, what's the difference between a salary and a 'fixed income' -- it seems to me that my income's fairly fixed, too.) But, I don't know, something about how he phrased it, or something just struck me and really upset me.

At first, I was a little angry. "I tell you year after year that everything I want can be found online; follow a few links and find the prices yourself." But really, in a way I can't explain, I was hurt. I don't like making up wish lists, let alone giving them to people, because it's just so... presumptuous. I can provide well enough for myself, I don't need anyone to get me anything. I really don't need anything -- not just because I get by on my own well enough, but because things don't mean much to me. I don't need things. I don't particularly want things. What do I want for my birthday? I want to be acknowledged. I want to hear that I'm cared about, that I'm missed or admired or just an all-around-OK guy.

I want someone to care without me asking them to.

Comments

[violetmay.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know -exactly- how that feels. You're awesome, Andrew. I may not be around to tell you, but never forget it. *nod* People get too busy worrying about themselves to worry about others, but I suppose if we don't forgive them for that, we become a bit like them, ne? Just remember that there will always be people out there that think you're great, and care enough to hope you have a great day, everyday, not just on your birthday. ^^;; As it stands, make sure, regardless, that you have a WONDERIFFIC birthday, whether anyone else tells you too, or not. Take care of yourself, friend.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Well, it's perfectly reasonable for him to have asked about prices, because he does have lots of grand kids and a fixed income, but it's just... It doesn't matter, y'know? I don't care what you get me, or if you get me anything at all. That's not the point. And even though I'm sure that's not what he intended to convey... Maybe I'm just feeling a little over-emotional. My mom says (and I vaguely remember) that when I was 12, I would cry at the drop of a hat. That's where the subject line came from.

And I'm sure I'll have a fine birthday. -smiles- I know people care about me.

[thismortalquill.livejournal.com]

I have missed you.

I admire your beliefs and your honor and your sense of what is right.

I use you as an example of an all around great guy when I am talking to people.

Heck, I still harbor that silly, persistent, not-so-secret crush on you that I've had since we first started talking.

I care, and you never have to ask.

[tzohekiti.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling. It hurts when the people that should know you the best ask what you want... A gift should come from the heart, and should be as much an expression of your relationship with the receiver, as what the receiver wants. Too often people don't bother to think gifts through, and go with a giftcard, or ask point blank. ... I dunno... it feels like we've lost a fair bit of social closeness....

*hug*

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on all points (except maybe the implication that my grandparents ought to know better), but that wasn't really the point. In fact, no one asked what I wanted this year, I just volunteered it. There was just something in the way he asked about prices that got under my skin. I can't express what.