I don't dream much.

[jackofallgeeks]

I didn't realize it until just now, reading a random news article on The Slate, but last night I had a dream about Suzannah.

I was walking around somewhere, a college campus, with someone. It might have been Leslie, but I can't remember. And Suzannah was there, passing by us, or us passing by her, a few times before the end of the sequence. I of course was cool, collected. Neither of us spoke to each other (in fact, I'm not sure either of us said anything at all), but in the omniscience of dreamtime I saw her look at me a few times.

The last thing I remrmber of the dream (before waking up 35min after my alarm should have gone off) was me looking at her more than a little sadly. I thought then as I've thought every couple of weeks or so: I wish I still knew her.

---

I think that most people just remember the sudden end of our relationship. I posted a few bits from when I was seeing her, but not a whole lot. I have a lot more to remember; I had a lot of fun with her. Going to dinner and plays, sitting up on Skyline drive in the late Fall, going for walks around her campus, and the gardens in Glenmont, not to mention months of Contra. She was a nice girl, pretty and intelligent, fun to talk to and laugh with. Mostly because I don't understand why, exactly, she ended our relationship, I can't help but imagine (still) that I must've messed things up somewhere.

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

As you implied, you know far more about what went on with the two of you than most of us do; in fact, that can't help but be the case, all things considered. You'd know better than anyone if you "messed things up". But I can't but think it had far more to do with her than with you. Maybe she simply couldn't handle the fact that she knew you had feelings for her; couldn't make herself stay just friends with you while feeling all the time that you wanted more from her than she was willing or able to give. Maybe the whole thing just made her nervous, and instead of talking to you about it, or going some other, less extreme route, she did what was easiest for her and cut you out of her life, so she didn't have to deal with the uneasiness of the situation anymore. It's a very cruel and selfish thing to do, but people do it. It's easier for most of us to eliminate a problem than to face it headlong.

Again, if any of this is the case, I don't think it had nearly as much to do with you as with her. And I know that doesn't make it any better, but I don't think you should blame yourself for what happened.

::hugs::

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Part of me wants to get back in touch with her. A big part. And that part of me wants me to believe it's just because I miss my friend. It's true, I do, but the rest of me knows that I would want something more. And knowing that keeps me from contacting her almost as much as her parting appeal to my honor.