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jackofallgeeksSo this morning I find myself overcome with dysphoria. It started building after Liz's wedding, I guess, and relented a little while I was babysitting my sister's kids, but this morning I just feel defeated. Like I'll never accomplish anything; I won't be able to write my novel, I'll struggle in my graduate studies, I'll only ever be a mediocre employee working at a job I can tolerate, I'll never find a girl or get married or have a family.
The weekend itself was good, though, really.
Leslie and I drove up to my parents' house on Friday after school and work respectively. There was a lot of traffic and I hate traffic. We dropped her car off in Fredericksburg in the parking lot of a 24-hour Denny's mostly just because we wanted to have some time during the trip riding together. All told, I think it was probably the best way to do it, arguably, even though showing up at the wedding together probably gave the wrong impression (it didn't help that, aside from Liz herself, Leslie and I really only knew each other -- I had a few other friends there, but I don't think Leslie knew anyone else). We actually had a little trouble when it turned out my mom had given me the wrong directions, and I started to get a little frustrated when, instead of just telling me how to get from where I was to where I was going they just kept throwing alternate routes at me... We got home, watched some of The Office and I unwound a bit.
The wedding itself was nice, if smaller than I'm used to -- my family tends to be large even in 'small' portions. Leslie and I actually showed up about 3 hours early because I thought the wedding was at 10:00 and even though we had to scramble to recover the directions we'd forgotten at our respective homes neither of us thought to check the time. I ran into my friend Genie, which was nice, and got to meet her fiance Tim. She looked very different from when I last saw her some 4 years ago - instead of short, curly blond hair she had long, straight brown hair. She also says she's grown 2 inches and put on weight, but I didn't notice either of those. And she confirmed once again that I always look like myself. -smirk-
The four of us -- Genie, Leslie, Tim, and I -- had a lot of fun chatting and giggling and the like during the wedding and at the reception, and it was fun (if short) time. Leslie and I left early so she could get to a party in Richmond and I could babysit for my sister.
Jenny had gone out to an Irish Dance Festival to sell ">her doll clothes (shameless plug: it occurs to me that a few of you out there are into those little dolls, the pullips?, and there may be some chance that she could make custom clothes for them, too, if anyone was interested) and I agreed to watch them for her. My brother Greg was also there because Jenny decided to go out earlier on Saturday before I could get down there from the wedding.
Jenny's kids are generally very cool. They're constantly acting for attention, but they're good kids. I have a particular soft spot for my two nieces, Stephanie and Caitlin, but what would you expect from me? Greg and I fed them, made sure they didn't burn anything (unlike Greg, who misread '3 seconds' as '3 minutes' on the microwave directions for a poptart, and watched some TV and movies with them. Greg and I also played some Magic, and last night I stayed after Jenny got home to watch the 3 hour marathon of Heroes, most of which I'd already seen but it turns out I somehow missed the first 10-15 minutes of the last episode, which explained *a lot*. The new episode shows tonight, but I won't see it tomorrow because I need it to hit NBC.com first.
Driving home last night, the Bridge I needed to cross was closed for upwards of 30 minutes. And this morning I had to backtrack and take the long way into work because the tunnel into Portsmouth was closed. And I'm feeling a bit better now, but still rather depressed. Roughly two hours before I take my lunch, and then another four hours before I can go home. And I have to tell Jeff that I won't be in town this weekend, again, and we'll have to get together some other time. Which sucks, but I'd forgotten that this weekend i'm going to the Navy game with dad, and I can't call out of that. Even if I convinced myself that I have things I need to take care of down here, backing out on seeing my family would make me really depressed.
The weekend itself was good, though, really.
Leslie and I drove up to my parents' house on Friday after school and work respectively. There was a lot of traffic and I hate traffic. We dropped her car off in Fredericksburg in the parking lot of a 24-hour Denny's mostly just because we wanted to have some time during the trip riding together. All told, I think it was probably the best way to do it, arguably, even though showing up at the wedding together probably gave the wrong impression (it didn't help that, aside from Liz herself, Leslie and I really only knew each other -- I had a few other friends there, but I don't think Leslie knew anyone else). We actually had a little trouble when it turned out my mom had given me the wrong directions, and I started to get a little frustrated when, instead of just telling me how to get from where I was to where I was going they just kept throwing alternate routes at me... We got home, watched some of The Office and I unwound a bit.
The wedding itself was nice, if smaller than I'm used to -- my family tends to be large even in 'small' portions. Leslie and I actually showed up about 3 hours early because I thought the wedding was at 10:00 and even though we had to scramble to recover the directions we'd forgotten at our respective homes neither of us thought to check the time. I ran into my friend Genie, which was nice, and got to meet her fiance Tim. She looked very different from when I last saw her some 4 years ago - instead of short, curly blond hair she had long, straight brown hair. She also says she's grown 2 inches and put on weight, but I didn't notice either of those. And she confirmed once again that I always look like myself. -smirk-
The four of us -- Genie, Leslie, Tim, and I -- had a lot of fun chatting and giggling and the like during the wedding and at the reception, and it was fun (if short) time. Leslie and I left early so she could get to a party in Richmond and I could babysit for my sister.
Jenny had gone out to an Irish Dance Festival to sell ">her doll clothes (shameless plug: it occurs to me that a few of you out there are into those little dolls, the pullips?, and there may be some chance that she could make custom clothes for them, too, if anyone was interested) and I agreed to watch them for her. My brother Greg was also there because Jenny decided to go out earlier on Saturday before I could get down there from the wedding.
Jenny's kids are generally very cool. They're constantly acting for attention, but they're good kids. I have a particular soft spot for my two nieces, Stephanie and Caitlin, but what would you expect from me? Greg and I fed them, made sure they didn't burn anything (unlike Greg, who misread '3 seconds' as '3 minutes' on the microwave directions for a poptart, and watched some TV and movies with them. Greg and I also played some Magic, and last night I stayed after Jenny got home to watch the 3 hour marathon of Heroes, most of which I'd already seen but it turns out I somehow missed the first 10-15 minutes of the last episode, which explained *a lot*. The new episode shows tonight, but I won't see it tomorrow because I need it to hit NBC.com first.
Driving home last night, the Bridge I needed to cross was closed for upwards of 30 minutes. And this morning I had to backtrack and take the long way into work because the tunnel into Portsmouth was closed. And I'm feeling a bit better now, but still rather depressed. Roughly two hours before I take my lunch, and then another four hours before I can go home. And I have to tell Jeff that I won't be in town this weekend, again, and we'll have to get together some other time. Which sucks, but I'd forgotten that this weekend i'm going to the Navy game with dad, and I can't call out of that. Even if I convinced myself that I have things I need to take care of down here, backing out on seeing my family would make me really depressed.
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Date: 2006-10-23 02:26 pm (UTC)2. You say yourself that you're well-educated, and you love to learn. Your graduate studies should be a challenge, but I doubt it's possible for them to defeat you. You'll come out on top.
3. The job has never mattered to you, only the family, and the family will come. It may not happen this year or next, but it will happen.
I know how easy it can be to feel discouraged about one's direction in life and the likelihood of accomplishing your goals, but I also know that I've had several doors slam in the face of my dreams through my life, and instead of living a life of misery the way I thought I would post-slam, given enough time, new dreams emerged - ones I actually like a lot better. Life, God, whathaveyou - there's this interesting way that those who help themselves seem to get helped out. And I know you're all about not sitting back and letting things come to you, but giving them whatever pushes they require. So I think you're fine. And I'll remind you of that as long as I have to. ::hugs::