The trouble with women...

[jackofallgeeks]

Hey all, I need some help with that last Snippet I wrote.
First, read this.
Then, read this:

The Original story was posted by another member of a writing group I'm in, but her Emmaline seemed to act so disjointedly that it gave me an idea for an interesting turn on the scene. Emmaline is crazy. I knew this before I started writing, but I discovered along the way that she was crazier than I had first thought. Some of it's simple dementia: she doesn't notice hot coffee spilling over her hand, and only barely notices stubbing her feet on the stairs. She has a fit and crumples to the ground, knocking over her cup. She hears voices, though I think that just comes off as an inner monologue, since the narrator reads from her perspective. She makes and remakes coffee all day, though I don't think that was shown enough. her appearance is haggard, but maybe that's just distress -- after all, she caught her husband cheating on her.

Except, I don't believe that. I don't think there was an affair at all. I think she was married for years before whatever accident put her in the state we find her. I don't believe tomorrow is her anniversary, and I think her husband is shortly going to be the victim of her madness.

But I don't think any of that comes off very well. This was posted in the community it originated from, and I don't think anyone there caught what I was going for. They said that my Emmaline seemed a bit more distressed, and my Husband was a more sympathetic, more-likable man. But no one thought that Emma was delusional, or that it was less-than-reasonable that she wanted to kill her husband.

So... what thoughts have you? Did you catch on that Emmaline wasn't well? Do you know how I might be able to impress the fact on my readers, without bashing them over their collective head with it?

Comments

[laurelei28.livejournal.com]

She obviously seemed "out of it". In that, the coffee bit specifically. well, that and I think any woman who doesn't leave a cheating man is crazy. But- I guess, I supposed I connected her distress to the actions, and not to a mental problem. The thing is with women - in some cases - and I should probably re-read the story - but in some cases, all of those "actions" are completely normal, when one is under a lot of stress. Perhaps solidify the incidences so they are more apparent. If that helps at all.