This is me putting off sleep.
May. 21st, 2006 01:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksI'm feeling again that I don't want to go to sleep. Last night I stayed up until 5am. I'm not sure exactly what the reasoning is; I'm tired, and I should get some sleep if I was to get up tomorrow morning. Which I do. But when I think I turning off the lights and getting in bed... It just seems like such a waste. Like I could be doing something better with my time. Or that there's something about sleep I just don't want to deal with.
I don't dream. Not and remember doing so, at least. Not usually. The last dream I remembered was several months ago, and I can't say now what it was about, just that I remembered it. Unless there's something strong on my mind, I go to sleep and wake up with nothing in between save darkness. And it's not even every time I have something on my mind, either.
I've things on my mind now. Things I don't really want to think about, I guess, though I can only assume so because it's hard to think about them; it takes effort. If you asked me what's wrong I'd say I don't know, but if I sit and think about it, I can probably come up with a few things. And if there's anything history teaches us, those "few things" are almost assuredly girl-related. School and work and bureaucracy are bugging me, but those are conscious worries.
I talked to Anastasiya tonight, and off-handedly mentioned how I haven't been inclined to sleep lately. She half-jokingly said I just need a nice girl to curl up with. While I'm not sure that would help me get very much more sleep, it would make me feel better. Which sounds shallow and pathetic in my ears, but... -shrugs- I'm lonely. We know this. I've never wanted anything aside from a family, and there's no hope of that anytime in the foreseeable future, near as I can tell. And that depresses me. It's a bitter pill, really; I'm in a really great spot if you look at things from one angle. I'm well-paid and on my way to a lucrative career as a highly-skilled blah, blah, blah. -shrugs- That's nice, it really is, and it gives me the financial ability to live my life as I like. But it's a secondary thing to me. I'd take a corporate-drone job if it meant I could have a family.
I was looking at pictures of my old friend Jean tonight. It made me sad, and there's a lot that goes into that that I don't feel like going into right now. I had a crush on her since 6th grade. I... really don't know if we were ever close friends, I really don't know that I ever knew her. We have each other's cell numbers and AIMs and email addresses, but we don't talk. Even if I was ever a part of her life, I'm surely not now. And that makes me sad.
Laurel and I went out a few nights ago... maybe it was Sunday, maybe it was more recent, I can't recall. I think maybe it was Wednesday, because I was feeling down and just needed to get out of the house; just to be somewhere else. Laurel's a really good friend; I wouldn't be able to stand it out here if not for her, and so I'm a bit amused by how we met. Through OKCupid. She thought I was cute, and we had something like a 47% match, which was high from her experience (alternatively, my experience said anything below an 87% was hardly worth browsing since there were so many others above that level). We went on a date, dinner and then a walk on the beach and hours and hours of talking. It was nice, but I wasn't attracted to her. And she figured," well, that's not going to happen" and deleted me from her address books and such. I was oblivious to this, and several weeks later asked her if she wanted to go see Mirrormask. I can't say why she decided to waste more time with me after deleting my information, but I'm glad she did.
She and I spend a lot of time together. I try to get her to go to mass (at the very least because it's poor form for a Catholic School teach to not attend, but that's just what I say so I don't sound like a religious nut), and we get together for dinner or brunch or stuff. She's taken me to the grocery store several times since I don't have a car, and I've started teaching her to play Magic: the Gathering. So anyways, we went out a few nights ago and as we chatted, it came up that we were both thinking along the same lines: for most intents and purposes, she and I are dating.
That's something of a misleading thing to say, though, I think. I don't know. I'm not 'Interested' in her, though again it's a case where things would be easier if I were. The whys and wherefores of that aren't really what I want to talk about, though. But we spend a lot of time together, and there's no one out here who I'm closer to, and she rivals good friends of mine back East; on par with such personal giants as Anastasiya, Leslie, and Rachel at times. And we have a good friendship, which is exactly -- exactly -- what I was in a girlfriend. The thing is, this just further confuses me on exactly what the difference between dating and not-dating is. Intent? Am I a fool for missing the difference? Because if so, that seems to imply that I should be less-open about myself, or, I don't know, less-involved (for lack of a better term) with my friends, both of which seems utterly foolish to me. Fact is, though, that some people have pretty much said just that -- that I really should keep more of me to myself, presumably so I have "something to give" to differentiate my girlfriend.
But like I said, that seems foolish. At the very least, what of friends like Anastasiya, who I have dated? Am I supposed to close myself off to her once we break up? Why does that make any sense? -shrugs- I'm rambling now. I think I've been rambling for a while.
We don't kiss. Laurel and I. We hug, sometimes. Often, actually, as we both seem to agree it's a decent and rather necessary thing. I haven't had hugs the way I need them, really, since high school. Youth Group was good for that. I bring this up because that seems to be a difference. I've always been of the opinion that friends should be 'allowed' to kiss, because it's just a pleasant thing to do. But they don't. And I've came to realize that whatever I say, I can't do that myself. It means too much to me; I can't kiss casually.
Rambling some more. I'm just trying to put off sleep. I'm actually seriously considering just keeping busy all night and skipping sleep altogether. "You'll sleep better tomorrow night," a part of me says, "since your sleep schedule's messed up as it is." I don't know. I'm not sure I could find enough things to occupy me.
I don't dream. Not and remember doing so, at least. Not usually. The last dream I remembered was several months ago, and I can't say now what it was about, just that I remembered it. Unless there's something strong on my mind, I go to sleep and wake up with nothing in between save darkness. And it's not even every time I have something on my mind, either.
I've things on my mind now. Things I don't really want to think about, I guess, though I can only assume so because it's hard to think about them; it takes effort. If you asked me what's wrong I'd say I don't know, but if I sit and think about it, I can probably come up with a few things. And if there's anything history teaches us, those "few things" are almost assuredly girl-related. School and work and bureaucracy are bugging me, but those are conscious worries.
I talked to Anastasiya tonight, and off-handedly mentioned how I haven't been inclined to sleep lately. She half-jokingly said I just need a nice girl to curl up with. While I'm not sure that would help me get very much more sleep, it would make me feel better. Which sounds shallow and pathetic in my ears, but... -shrugs- I'm lonely. We know this. I've never wanted anything aside from a family, and there's no hope of that anytime in the foreseeable future, near as I can tell. And that depresses me. It's a bitter pill, really; I'm in a really great spot if you look at things from one angle. I'm well-paid and on my way to a lucrative career as a highly-skilled blah, blah, blah. -shrugs- That's nice, it really is, and it gives me the financial ability to live my life as I like. But it's a secondary thing to me. I'd take a corporate-drone job if it meant I could have a family.
I was looking at pictures of my old friend Jean tonight. It made me sad, and there's a lot that goes into that that I don't feel like going into right now. I had a crush on her since 6th grade. I... really don't know if we were ever close friends, I really don't know that I ever knew her. We have each other's cell numbers and AIMs and email addresses, but we don't talk. Even if I was ever a part of her life, I'm surely not now. And that makes me sad.
Laurel and I went out a few nights ago... maybe it was Sunday, maybe it was more recent, I can't recall. I think maybe it was Wednesday, because I was feeling down and just needed to get out of the house; just to be somewhere else. Laurel's a really good friend; I wouldn't be able to stand it out here if not for her, and so I'm a bit amused by how we met. Through OKCupid. She thought I was cute, and we had something like a 47% match, which was high from her experience (alternatively, my experience said anything below an 87% was hardly worth browsing since there were so many others above that level). We went on a date, dinner and then a walk on the beach and hours and hours of talking. It was nice, but I wasn't attracted to her. And she figured," well, that's not going to happen" and deleted me from her address books and such. I was oblivious to this, and several weeks later asked her if she wanted to go see Mirrormask. I can't say why she decided to waste more time with me after deleting my information, but I'm glad she did.
She and I spend a lot of time together. I try to get her to go to mass (at the very least because it's poor form for a Catholic School teach to not attend, but that's just what I say so I don't sound like a religious nut), and we get together for dinner or brunch or stuff. She's taken me to the grocery store several times since I don't have a car, and I've started teaching her to play Magic: the Gathering. So anyways, we went out a few nights ago and as we chatted, it came up that we were both thinking along the same lines: for most intents and purposes, she and I are dating.
That's something of a misleading thing to say, though, I think. I don't know. I'm not 'Interested' in her, though again it's a case where things would be easier if I were. The whys and wherefores of that aren't really what I want to talk about, though. But we spend a lot of time together, and there's no one out here who I'm closer to, and she rivals good friends of mine back East; on par with such personal giants as Anastasiya, Leslie, and Rachel at times. And we have a good friendship, which is exactly -- exactly -- what I was in a girlfriend. The thing is, this just further confuses me on exactly what the difference between dating and not-dating is. Intent? Am I a fool for missing the difference? Because if so, that seems to imply that I should be less-open about myself, or, I don't know, less-involved (for lack of a better term) with my friends, both of which seems utterly foolish to me. Fact is, though, that some people have pretty much said just that -- that I really should keep more of me to myself, presumably so I have "something to give" to differentiate my girlfriend.
But like I said, that seems foolish. At the very least, what of friends like Anastasiya, who I have dated? Am I supposed to close myself off to her once we break up? Why does that make any sense? -shrugs- I'm rambling now. I think I've been rambling for a while.
We don't kiss. Laurel and I. We hug, sometimes. Often, actually, as we both seem to agree it's a decent and rather necessary thing. I haven't had hugs the way I need them, really, since high school. Youth Group was good for that. I bring this up because that seems to be a difference. I've always been of the opinion that friends should be 'allowed' to kiss, because it's just a pleasant thing to do. But they don't. And I've came to realize that whatever I say, I can't do that myself. It means too much to me; I can't kiss casually.
Rambling some more. I'm just trying to put off sleep. I'm actually seriously considering just keeping busy all night and skipping sleep altogether. "You'll sleep better tomorrow night," a part of me says, "since your sleep schedule's messed up as it is." I don't know. I'm not sure I could find enough things to occupy me.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 09:54 pm (UTC)First off, let yourself sleep. I know how hard it can be, but lack of sleep just aggravates any and all problems you may have. Too much sleep can do the same, but that's besides the point. Generally, I've found that, nine times out of ten, inability to sleep comes from a refusal on some level to let yourself relax. Especially when tension is high, it's difficult to let go, to surrender. When it comes to sleep, you need to eb able to let go, for a little bit, to really truly sleep. Sleep should be an hours-long vacation, where you allow yourself to escape the pressures and responsibilities bearing down on you. Just let it happen. Allow the thoughts, concerns, and stresses to slide right off you, so you can recharge yourself and attack the problems in life with a fresh start in the morning.
As for dreams, some people do, some don't. Don't let it get to you. If you remember a dream, take note, and pay attention. Especially when the dream really bothers you. Generally, when you remember a dream, there's a reason for remembering it. Don't put too much stock into dreams, and don't always try to read into them too much, but, at the same time, don't ignore them, and be careful to not take them at face value. Like so many other things, dreams are a tool, of sorts, and, like most tools, can do more harm than good if used improperly. When used properly, though, they can be an invaluable tool.
When there are things on your mind, and you don't know what they are, you need to face them. Take some time to specifically address them. Take a step back, focus on yourself, and truly look at yourself. What's bothering you? What's on your mind? What's scaring you? And for all of these questions, why? Knowing the problem won't fix it, but it's a lot easier to deal with something you know.
Loneliness is hard. It's only natural to want someone, anyone. But, at the same time, if that's the only reason you're in a relationship, that's bad. People are ends, not means, and it's far too easy to turn a significant other into a means for your own happiness. A rather insidious form of objectification sneaking up on you, and one you really need to watch out for. Sometimes, all you can do is hug a pillow. Not the same, by any means, and it certainly won't make the pain go away, but . . . it helps.
As for your concerns about marriage and a family, when it all comes down to it, all you really can do, and, in the end, what you need to do, is relax and let go. It's in God's hands. He knows what he's doing. He doesn't necessarily give us what we want, but he does give us what we need. Take this time to focus on what you have, not what you want.
As to what your vocation is, the primary concern is to pay attention to your current vocation - the single life. The single life allows for a degree of freedom and opportunity which simply does not exist in another vocation. Take this opportunity and put it to good use.
Where the future is concerned, be open to the ideas of marriage, the priesthood, or even a continued single life. In all three of these possibilities, remain open to the idea that you may be called in that direction. You may not think it's what you want, and, frankly, nine times out of ten your vocation is what you want, but you should be willing to follow wherever you are lead. If you're trying to see what you may eventually be called to follow, pray about it, of course, but also take a solid, analytical look at the possibilities. Analyze both why you should or might be called in that direction, as well as why you might not be so inclined. You might not be called in a certain direction, but unless you're willing to accept the possibility, it will haunt you to your grave.
So, as far as that goes, patience. What will come will come, in time. Until then, you can't really do much more than deal with the difficulties you're currently facing.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 09:56 pm (UTC)Now for the tricky part . . .
With the exception of "casual dating," which is another subject for another time, and probably irrelevant in the current context, dating is, to use the Official Franciscan University of Steubenville Definition©® "discernment for marriage." Unfortunately, discernment doesn't have as clear-cut a definition, so there's all ranges of opinion as to what that means. This leads to the opposite extremes of "engaged without the ring" and "I don't know if I want to seriously consider marrying you, so we aren't really dating"(aka: "Dating without dating"). Both of these extremes are wrong.
In my humble opinion, discernment for marriage is more along the lines of asking yourself the questions: "Am I at the point where I can love this person as she deserves to be loved, as a beautiful person in the image and likeness of God? Is she at the same point for me? If not, can we conceivably reach this point? Do I enjoy spending time with this person? Are there any major ideological differences or other impediments which stand int he way of a long-term relationship? Is there any hope of dealing with these impediments?(They can't be ignored, they'll eventually surface) Are there any less significant, yet still concerning, issues? Can they be dealt with? Are they being dealt with? Are they significant enough to eventually become an issue? Are our personalities compatible?(Similar, complimentary, etc.) and so on. Essentially, "Can I love this person?" 'Course, that implies that you can get a full idea of what exactly it means to love someone, in the truest sense of the word.
As for what it means to have a close relationship with another person, it's a bond of trust, a willingness to be there for the other person, with the trust(not expectation) that they would do the same for you. A willingness to open yourself entirely to that person, to hide nothing from the other(though, at the same time, not dump all your problems on the other person). You'll go the extra mile to help them out in need, yet not bend over backward to please them. To offer help without being asked, and accept help when offered, but with the ability and willingness to pull your own weight.
Very much the same as with an close friend, but with that little something extra. What extra? Well, if there's nothing extra, why the hell aren't you dating your (female) friend? (I can't do that. She's my friend! It'd be weird.) You don't necessarily need to know what exactly that something extra is, just acknowledge that it is there, and don't be surprised if it comes to light.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2006-05-21 09:57 pm (UTC)Finally, on to physical contact. Hugs are proof that God loves us. Few things can be more expressive, and there's a hug for all occasions. As long as both people are comfortable with the hugs, you just can't go wrong.
Kissing, on the other hand, is a bit more delicate. A kiss on the forehead, the cheek, the hand, as long as it's properly understood, and comfortable, is acceptable with friends, family, etc. A kiss on the lips, however, is mush trickier. There are people who believe that the first kiss should be with marriage. A very difficult ideal, and one most sane people don't expect of you, but an admirable one. A kiss on the lips between close friends or family can be acceptable, but comfort and understanding are much trickier there. Especially understanding among modern society, very much like the phrase "I love you." It's acceptable for a close friend of a girl to tell her that he loves her, meaning very much a "just friends" love, even in front of her boyfriend, provided there's a proper understanding all around. A kiss on the lips would work similarly. Again, however, there are limits. The close friend saying he loves the girl bears a very different character than a romantic interest saying the same, and kissing works in a similar manner. A "just friends" kiss bears a markedly different character to a "romantic interest" kiss.
But, with any kind of physical contact, hugging, kissing, or other activities, it's a matter of comfort, understanding, and knowing your limits. Another important aspect is the "why" of the physical contact. Are you doing it for their sake, to show that you care, or are you simply using the other person to satisfy your desires? A harsh question, but a very important one, especially if you're concerned about a relationship becoming mostly or purely physical.
Okay, I think I've covered my opinions on everything. Feel free to yell at me, insist I'm wrong, call me a religious nut, point out spelling or grammatical errors, criticize my word choice, or otherwise belittle me. Positive feedback is welcome, too.