Social Anxiety
May. 9th, 2006 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksSo, I've been thinking about a couple things which might be related. I've been thinking about a lot of things, mind you, but I'm only going to be talking about these. 'Rambling' may be the better word, but...
The first is the social anxiety of others, for lack of a better term. I've been thinking about this one on-and-off for years. Most recently, it came up when Leslie and I went to visit Melissa, and we all got into a conversation about Livejournal and Internet communities and "cross contamination." It's not something I understand, generally. I am what I am, and I don't see why I would be, or try to seem to be, anything else. And I don't think that's what they mean; it's something more akin to only showing who you are to people you know you can trust. And in as far as that goes, I can see the sense in it, but... People you can trust to do what? To accept you for you? The reasoning doesn't seem to make much sense to me... Partly because I generally don't care much at all what people who don't know me think of me; they don't know me, what does it matter what they think? People will think what they will despite your best efforts, so I say let them. But partly also, it doesn't make sense to me because even my closest friends and I disagree. I still think that some of the choices they make as regards the way they live their lives are foolish or wrong. And I'm sure my friends think the same thing of some of my choices; sometimes I feel that way about my choices.
On my trip home I was talking to my mom about Livejournal, about how anyone who cares to can surf out here and see up-close most of my life for the last five years. And she asked me if that bothered me. Which it doesn't, generally speaking. Generally speaking, I've nothing to hide. As noted before, I am what I am, and there's no sense in pretending otherwise. Of course, "nothing to hide" may be a bit misleading. There are things I don't share here, but they're the same things I don't share with my good friends and, in truth, the things I don't like to think about at all if I can help it. They're the bits of me that I'm ashamed of, the parts of my self that I don't like. And to that effect, I don't consider them "part of me" so much as a lack in who I am. Which is different from how some of my friends hide pieces of themselves, because they hide from some what is shown plainly to others; they hide real parts of themselves, which they would reveal otherwise. And I guess that's what I don't get.
-smirk- If you've an opinion on that, feel free to share; I don't claim to know what I'm talking about, this really is something I don't understand.
The other bit is something I've touched on before. Society, with a capital-S, doesn't bug me. They can think what they like, and I've no anxiety about them. Same thing for Strangers, which are really just the individuals that make up Society anyways. What really scares me, though, sometimes more than I can explain, is people I used to know. Like the girl I went to high-school with and haven't talked to, really, in four years. And actually, thinking about it, it can be simplified further than that -- I'm afraid of people I care about who don't seem to care about me. -smirk- It should be plain, I guess, that I care what these people think, and that's what bugs me. I considered the aforementioned girl, Becky, a very good friend of mine once. I really care about her. But we haven't talked in a very long time. And I get concerned that maybe she doesn't think much of me, and that bugs me. Because I care. I always get a little bit nervous when I'm re-meeting someone I used to know, because they aren't a stranger. I don't have to worry about what a stranger things, because I've nothing invested in them; they can't hurt me. But to be slighted by an old friend, that hurts. And I'm always afraid of seeing people I used to know, and who I don't any more.
Like I said, rambling. So I'll stop now. Maybe make some tea. Maybe start Harry Potter 5 -- I finished 4 last night, and I have to say I'm really getting attached to the characters. A few thousand pages, a few years of history, will do that I guess, but... Formulaic as she seems, I really like how Rowling tells her stories. And I really want to see how this plays out. I keep hoping, and she keeps disappointing me, that Slytherine won't be All That Is Evil; that, maybe, the Slytherine students will turn out to be Ok in the end, maybe even likable. So far not, and if you know otherwise from the next two books, you aren't allowed to tell me.
Frankly, I was hoping Malfoy would fall for Ginny, but now I'm getting way too geeky.
The first is the social anxiety of others, for lack of a better term. I've been thinking about this one on-and-off for years. Most recently, it came up when Leslie and I went to visit Melissa, and we all got into a conversation about Livejournal and Internet communities and "cross contamination." It's not something I understand, generally. I am what I am, and I don't see why I would be, or try to seem to be, anything else. And I don't think that's what they mean; it's something more akin to only showing who you are to people you know you can trust. And in as far as that goes, I can see the sense in it, but... People you can trust to do what? To accept you for you? The reasoning doesn't seem to make much sense to me... Partly because I generally don't care much at all what people who don't know me think of me; they don't know me, what does it matter what they think? People will think what they will despite your best efforts, so I say let them. But partly also, it doesn't make sense to me because even my closest friends and I disagree. I still think that some of the choices they make as regards the way they live their lives are foolish or wrong. And I'm sure my friends think the same thing of some of my choices; sometimes I feel that way about my choices.
On my trip home I was talking to my mom about Livejournal, about how anyone who cares to can surf out here and see up-close most of my life for the last five years. And she asked me if that bothered me. Which it doesn't, generally speaking. Generally speaking, I've nothing to hide. As noted before, I am what I am, and there's no sense in pretending otherwise. Of course, "nothing to hide" may be a bit misleading. There are things I don't share here, but they're the same things I don't share with my good friends and, in truth, the things I don't like to think about at all if I can help it. They're the bits of me that I'm ashamed of, the parts of my self that I don't like. And to that effect, I don't consider them "part of me" so much as a lack in who I am. Which is different from how some of my friends hide pieces of themselves, because they hide from some what is shown plainly to others; they hide real parts of themselves, which they would reveal otherwise. And I guess that's what I don't get.
-smirk- If you've an opinion on that, feel free to share; I don't claim to know what I'm talking about, this really is something I don't understand.
The other bit is something I've touched on before. Society, with a capital-S, doesn't bug me. They can think what they like, and I've no anxiety about them. Same thing for Strangers, which are really just the individuals that make up Society anyways. What really scares me, though, sometimes more than I can explain, is people I used to know. Like the girl I went to high-school with and haven't talked to, really, in four years. And actually, thinking about it, it can be simplified further than that -- I'm afraid of people I care about who don't seem to care about me. -smirk- It should be plain, I guess, that I care what these people think, and that's what bugs me. I considered the aforementioned girl, Becky, a very good friend of mine once. I really care about her. But we haven't talked in a very long time. And I get concerned that maybe she doesn't think much of me, and that bugs me. Because I care. I always get a little bit nervous when I'm re-meeting someone I used to know, because they aren't a stranger. I don't have to worry about what a stranger things, because I've nothing invested in them; they can't hurt me. But to be slighted by an old friend, that hurts. And I'm always afraid of seeing people I used to know, and who I don't any more.
Like I said, rambling. So I'll stop now. Maybe make some tea. Maybe start Harry Potter 5 -- I finished 4 last night, and I have to say I'm really getting attached to the characters. A few thousand pages, a few years of history, will do that I guess, but... Formulaic as she seems, I really like how Rowling tells her stories. And I really want to see how this plays out. I keep hoping, and she keeps disappointing me, that Slytherine won't be All That Is Evil; that, maybe, the Slytherine students will turn out to be Ok in the end, maybe even likable. So far not, and if you know otherwise from the next two books, you aren't allowed to tell me.
Frankly, I was hoping Malfoy would fall for Ginny, but now I'm getting way too geeky.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-10 03:27 am (UTC)The people on myspace (save the few who are here AND there for me) ... they're people who have broken my trust and squashed my friendship countless times in the past. No, I don't trust them. No, we don't talk. And though we connect through there... there's no feeling of "personal connection" for me with them there like there has been on Livejournal over the past 6 years. I message old HS friends on myspace and they refuse to answer me. They nose around for information about me to bad-mouth me .... yet they can't carry on conversation with me. Why, exactly, would I treat them the same way I'd treat the people who've been there for me, consistantly, for nearly the past 10 years of my life?
I know I'm saying this all wrong and it won't be read as I mean it to be, because I'm not very good at explaining these things... but it all has to do with friendship. I view the people I know here as my friends - no, scratch that, my family .... and elsewhere, they're just "people I know" or "people I used to know" .... there are just different levels with the people in my life, especially the people online.
Doesn't help that, in general, I view myself to be a fairly private person. Even on here, I don't tell a whole lot straight-forwardly. That's just the way I am these days. ::shrug:: It stands to reason that if I'm like that with my closest friends/family, I'm going to be even more so with those who seem to have ZERO respect for me as an individual.
ANYway... I'm done not making sense. I hope you're doing well and that you had an awesome trip! I was excited to see you'd gone back to that coast. ;) Love you, Andrew. ♥
no subject
Date: 2006-05-10 03:43 am (UTC)Well, I would actually wonder why I keep in contact with the MySpace folks at all; if someone treats you poorly, they aren't worth your time. I guess the bit about that that I don't understand is the bad-mouthing bit -- I don't understand why people do it for one (aside from theoretically feeling better about themselves, the way we've been told bullies tend to feel) but I also don't understand why it should bother you. I guess, in a way, I see people like that -- people who mistreat you -- as worse than strangers; a stranger has the possibility of being a decent person.
I can definitely understand the bit about personal thoughts and friends having 'earned' the right to see the more intimate details of you. In fact, that's a bit that I'm trying to resolve for myself -- because, necessarily there should be 'private' aspects to an individual, shouldn't there? Or should there? That's something I haven't figured out yet; if I have any such aspects, or if I should have such aspects, and what it all means.
Thinking about it, I think I have a hard time discerning levels amongst my relationships, generally. A friend is a friend is a friend... but, some I do feel closer to than others. And some I count as family. -smirk- And some family I count as friends, so there's all sorts of confusion.
And, just as a note, one of the bits that brought this up in my mind was actually a post of yours, about taking pictures and being afraid of what others might do, or say. Consciously, that's not a thing I understand, though I think I do get nervous sometimes in similar ways. So yeah, donno.
Love you, too, Melissa.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-12 02:54 am (UTC)P.S.
Slytherin Pride.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-12 02:57 am (UTC)Angie Aparo's "Spaceship" rocks.