If I Only Had A Brain
Dec. 2nd, 2001 02:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksWell, it should come as no surprise to any of you that, yet again, I have something to say. i'm not really sure how to say it, though.
I'd like to say that me and Claire have made a connection, if you will. I'd LIKE to, but i'm afraid to, and that of course is the topic for tonight.
You see, I am a man of many doubts. I doubt everything, from what time and space are, to whether people really see the same 'colors', to the basic humanity of other people, to what others may think, to what I think, to what I feel, to WHY I feel like that, even to the the point of IF I really I feel like that.
Simply put, I'm constantly full of doubts. I don't know what that makes me, but there it is. I guess. Anyways, back on topic. i'm afraid to say that because while I AM glad that me and Claire made a connection, I'm almost afraid to say anything on it, for fear that that connection will fall through, I guess. I don't even know, because I still do want to tell her everything.
I kinda feel bad, though. I feel bad that I'm always talking about Claire - not for any of your sakes, mind you, you choose to read this - but because it seems I've simply dropped Emily. And I haven't - just about anytime that I think about Claire, I think about Emily, too. And that makes me feel bad - for Claire. Not to the point, I guess, that I don't want to think about Emily, because I do want to, but I still feel bad for Claire due to it. Y'know?
My situation is quite boggling, at least on my end. I mean... Well, it's not a bad thing that.... I mean to say, yoiu can't blame me for not wanting to forget about Emily, right? Not when I haven't heard anything from her and still think, maybe, there could be a chance for me, right?
That makes me feel bad, too, for Claire. I can't quite explain how or why, but I would assume it's rather self-explainatory.
Of course, having said all of this, I could sound quite stupid. If either of them really isn't interested my conflict doesn't exist (I think it would hurt, but that's besides the point). If my fears are completely baseless, again I sound stupid. Really, I find it hard to imagine a case where I don't sound stupid.
And so, I guess, seeing as I have nothing to lose, I might as well continue with my policy of honesty. I've been successful, I think, with Claire, and at least marginally so with Emily. Maybe I can one day be completely honest with everyone.
Anyways, though, I guess things come down to...something? I donno. I really like Claire, and at the same time I really like Emily. I love spending time with Claire, and I'd love to spend time with Emily. I love talking with Claire, and I'd love to have the CHANCE to talk to Emily.... It seems, to an extent, that Emily is the ideal, while Claire is actuality. That sounds mean, though, and I don't mean it in certain senses of those words....
I don't really want to make any contrasts between Emily and Claire for fear of hurting someone's feelings. :-\
Maybe sometime...
For now, I sleep.
I'd like to say that me and Claire have made a connection, if you will. I'd LIKE to, but i'm afraid to, and that of course is the topic for tonight.
You see, I am a man of many doubts. I doubt everything, from what time and space are, to whether people really see the same 'colors', to the basic humanity of other people, to what others may think, to what I think, to what I feel, to WHY I feel like that, even to the the point of IF I really I feel like that.
Simply put, I'm constantly full of doubts. I don't know what that makes me, but there it is. I guess. Anyways, back on topic. i'm afraid to say that because while I AM glad that me and Claire made a connection, I'm almost afraid to say anything on it, for fear that that connection will fall through, I guess. I don't even know, because I still do want to tell her everything.
I kinda feel bad, though. I feel bad that I'm always talking about Claire - not for any of your sakes, mind you, you choose to read this - but because it seems I've simply dropped Emily. And I haven't - just about anytime that I think about Claire, I think about Emily, too. And that makes me feel bad - for Claire. Not to the point, I guess, that I don't want to think about Emily, because I do want to, but I still feel bad for Claire due to it. Y'know?
My situation is quite boggling, at least on my end. I mean... Well, it's not a bad thing that.... I mean to say, yoiu can't blame me for not wanting to forget about Emily, right? Not when I haven't heard anything from her and still think, maybe, there could be a chance for me, right?
That makes me feel bad, too, for Claire. I can't quite explain how or why, but I would assume it's rather self-explainatory.
Of course, having said all of this, I could sound quite stupid. If either of them really isn't interested my conflict doesn't exist (I think it would hurt, but that's besides the point). If my fears are completely baseless, again I sound stupid. Really, I find it hard to imagine a case where I don't sound stupid.
And so, I guess, seeing as I have nothing to lose, I might as well continue with my policy of honesty. I've been successful, I think, with Claire, and at least marginally so with Emily. Maybe I can one day be completely honest with everyone.
Anyways, though, I guess things come down to...something? I donno. I really like Claire, and at the same time I really like Emily. I love spending time with Claire, and I'd love to spend time with Emily. I love talking with Claire, and I'd love to have the CHANCE to talk to Emily.... It seems, to an extent, that Emily is the ideal, while Claire is actuality. That sounds mean, though, and I don't mean it in certain senses of those words....
I don't really want to make any contrasts between Emily and Claire for fear of hurting someone's feelings. :-\
Maybe sometime...
For now, I sleep.
