Life Happens

[jackofallgeeks]

So, yeah, things have happened in the past while. Things which I've wanted to make a note of, but I haven't yet. And now I'm just really exhausted, but I feel I'm running out of time in all things, and if I don't at least note these things, I'll never get them down at all.

I moved Anastasiya into school. We used my dad's convertible more because I wanted an excuse to use the convertible than for any really practical reasons. We took the scenic (read: long) way up because it was such a beautiful day out (and I had a convertible). What I'd expected to be a little trip of a few hours became a full-day affair, but it was a day I got to spend with Anastasiya, so I liked it. It hasn't quite set in yet that that day might have been my last 'goodbye' to her before I leave for California. I'm no good with goodbyes.

That same day, I had a magnificent moonlit drive back home. It dawned on me that I'm really going to miss driving. Not 'having a car,' mind you, but really driving. I love the act. It's just good to clear one's head and unwind. The turn up the stereo, roll down the windows, and watch the scenery. I'm really going to miss that. I've decided that one thing I'd like to do when I'm old and rich is to get one of those nice two-seater convertibles and just go cruising with my wife, for recreation. I think it's sad how few people really enjoy driving, especially considering the throngs of people who do it mindlessly day in and day out.

I saw Suzannah a couple days ago, and we talked (though not in intimate enough environs -- there are topics I can't broach when her parents are about), and it was really nice. It occurred to me once again that my torment is all in my own head; she's been out of town, at the beach, for a while, which is why she hadn't checked her mail, and why I couldn't get in touch with her. In fact, I just got a (relatively unprompted) email from her this morning. More than any other, I'd like to see her once more before I leave, just to be able to talk with her, face to face, just the two of us. But, I think I'll be OK if I don't. I think I'll be OK just so long as we keep in touch.

Yesterday was a Family Reunion for my mom's side of the family. Her relatives own a little farm-like property in a valley a short ways outside of Cumberland, Maryland (very close to West Virginia), with a creak to wade in and such. Every year or so, they all get together for a sort of pot-luck barbecue, and it's god sorts of stuff. It's always good to see my cousins, even slightly-distant cousins who I don't know all that well. Generally speaking, I just really like my relatives.

I was plagued yesterday morning by some odd thoughts. We had to get up early to go to mass since we'd be driving most of the day to and from the reunion. On the way to the monastery for early mass, mom mentioned how one of my brothers wouldn't say he wouldn't become a priest. And then, with that in mind, I tried listening to the old, Irish-sounding priest give his homily. He really had a lot of good things to say, but he was difficult to understand (partly from age, partly from pronunciation) and his presentation was a bit lacking (both points which others around me made all-too-loudly under their breath). And it occurred to me: what if I'm supposed to be a priest? We're in sore need of them now, as there are few enough, and with most priests being so old (I was once told the average age is 65 or 70), even those won't be around for long. And in a lot of ways, I think we need priests who can not only speak well, make their points understood, but also connect with people, to talk to them and be able to discuss matters; both skills that I think I possess. I think I'm good at speaking (when needs be), and I've always thought I was something of a people person; it's been more than once when I mediated between two parties that I understood, but who didn't seem to understand each other. But nothing threatens me nearly so much with loneliness the way the priesthood does; and there are precious few things I fear more than loneliness. And there's never been anything I wanted so much as I want to get married and have a family. On the one hand, I wouldn't want to go into something like that reluctantly, dragging my feet. But on the other hand, I feel I should need some better reason not to than just "I don't wanna."

We're watching my sister's kids here for a few days. And today, they were really irritating me. And that they were irritating me irritated me, for a few reasons. I can't quite express those reasons, but... Well, they're my sister's kids; what does it say about me that her kids irritate me, or about her that her kids are irritating? I love my sister. But then, I also hope to one day have kids, and when this happens, when children irritate me, it makes me step back and fear, "what if I can't do this? What if I can't take the pressures? What if I'd fail." And I don't like those thoughts. Any of them.

I've been rather emotional lately. By 'lately,' I mean since about the time I got out to Ohio to visit Rachel, Kate, and Meredith. And by 'emotional,' I mean really sorta weepy. Rachel had me watching all sorts of chick-flicks, which certainly didn't help. But even aside from that, I've just felt inclined to cry almost at the drop of a hat. I don't think I've been this bad since I was 14 or 15. Just tonight I was on the verge or tears. I think I just need a good cry, and I've no idea why.

Comments

[starlight1184.livejournal.com]

- Priesthood... can't deacons marry and have families and stuff? I'm not sure how that works, but maybe something to look into?

- I have the same thoughts about the kids and finding them all together irritating, and thinking maybe I just wasn't cut out to be a mother. But apparently, my mom and dad say that it all changes when they are your kids. So... maybe?

- You did seem rather weepy... I'm sorry I kept making you watch them. You should have said something... :-( Sorry I'm a failure. If you really want a good cry though... watch Legends of the Fall, Big Fish, or Finding Neverland. The three of them never fail to make me bawl like a little baby.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

You know, that might not be a bad idea to look into, the whole deacon thing. Maybe I'll have to give it a look.

Yeah, I've heard the "it's different when it's your kids," bit, too. And I really and truely believe that, 'cause even as these three drive me over the edge, I find myself holding back because they aren't my kids, or thinking "if they were my kids, things would be different." So, yeah. Still bugs me. -laughs-

-laughs- Dear, I LOVED watching those movies. Trust me, if I'd not wanted to, I'd have made a point of it. In fact, I've wanted to watch Love Actually again since coming home and, once I get some cashflow, I plan to buy both that and When Harry Met Sally. -smiles- You aren't a failure, I just don't cry much, or easily. And though Big Fish wasn't able to get a tear (cute and clever, but not a tear-jerker for me), maybe I'll check out those other two. Though, Ha, my parents were watching the remake of "Freaky Friday" the other night, and I came in near the end, and that almost made me cry, so who knows.

Deacons

[bsgnome.livejournal.com]

If I recall correctly, a deacon may only be married if he were married prior to his becoming a deacon.

Also of note, but not necessarily as pertinent: if a man and his wife are free of dependants, and they are both willing to do so, the man may become a priest and his wife may become a nun. However, if, for whatever reason, either is unwilling to enter the religious life, then neither may.

And then, of course, a widower free of dependants may become a priest.