jackofallgeeks | Not with a whimper, not with a bang.

So, today I went out to lunch with Anastasiya and Amber. It's become something of a regular thing for me to go up and have lunch with Amber, and a post she made this evening reminded me why it's so very important to me. I need people, this we know. In a big way, though, everyone I know is gone. Most of my friends reside here, in the Ether of the 'Net, which can be a rather disheartening thing to think about. Very few of my friends do I see more than once a month, or even that often. Things like that can kill a man like me. But the reason it's important for me to have lunch with Amber every now and again is a more-immediate subset of all this. The last four years of my life were spent at CUA. Four years is an incredibly long time for a man who's whole life has been counted in units of 24 months. Virginia Beach aside, nowhere was ever Home for longer than a couple years. Mom would get a little disheartened to hear me say it, but CUA was Home, really home, for Four Years. And what really made it home were the people; not all of whom went to that school with me, mind you. Regardless, that's all gone now. All those people are gone now. And if they haven't left me for Florida or New York or Montana, well, I'll be leaving them soon for California. This really affects me more than I would admit. More, I think, than I could even express. Which is why it's good to see Amber every now and again. Even if I didn't know her until Sophomore Year, even if she wasn't really a big part of my life until Senior Year, and even if we make jokes about how utterly mismatched we are as friends... It's good to have someone to connect with on that level. (Now I'm gonna cry on what was supposed to be a happy post!)

And I finally got up the nerve to go see Suzannah. I drove around a bit with Anastasiya, first, after dropping Amber off at work. We got a copy made for Maggie's key, which I've needed done for a while, and we talked through the why's and wherefore's of my needing to go see Suzannah. Truth be told, I was a ball of anger and anxiety and confusion going in to it. As I pulled away from Anastasiya's after dropping her off, I felt like my stomach would turn itself inside out and I almost just gave up on it and went home. But I didn't, and though I can't adequately back up the claim, I think a lot of it had to do with Anastasiya.

I got to Suzannah's at a rather awkward time. That is, I knocked, and then her big brother (who'd apparently gone out for groceries) came up behind me and opened the door. Her brother, I might add, is a rather large, stoic-looking, intimidating Army guy. When I went in (at his invitation), Suzannah's mom was the first to see me, and she seemed a bit surprised and glad. Then Suzannah's littlest brother, Joseph (age 9), came up, and was his usual impish self. Then came Suzannah herself, from upstairs, very pretty. They took me into the kitchen and gave me some water (which, as I think of it, I could really use right now), and we talked about stuff; summer and jobs and California. The water soothed my stomach, as did just the casual flow of conversation; I'm in my element when I'm speaking, I suppose.

Then Suzannah and I went out back, with Joe in tow, and sat and talked about stuff. Nothing important, really -- her sister's breakup (which was something of a surprise to me, but Suzannah said it was a good thing for Maize), my sister's family, my class ring, her choice to not study abroad. It was nice just sitting and spending time with her. Eventually, I had to go ('cause I was responsible for getting my siblings dinner, and they were 2 hours south), and she walked me out the front door, where I mentioned Beth's newfound love of baking, and Suzannah reminded me of our little wager on my bike (I'm going to owe her a batch of cookies when I name it). Then Joe gave me a hug as I left (which I was kinda stunned by, but it was nice all the same). And I left, to her well-wishing.

My whole... insecurity thing never came up, which I think it really just as well, if not better. I really do think it's all in my head, just a bunch of little things that I take together and misinterpret, and it likely wouldn't have done me any favors to go into it, certainly not accusingly.

I really have to say that I can't adequately express my appreciation for Anastasiya. She was a friend for me when I felt most alone, though not by anything that directly referred to Suzannah herself. Just little things, you know, that made me feel... real again, for lack of a better term. I really can't thank Anastasiya enough, or even really explain what it is I'm thanking her for.

Though, I still don't have that Tarot deck I've been looking forward to, which makes me cry on the inside.