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Apr. 4th, 2005 02:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksTired. A little broken-hearted. It comes and goes.
My friend called out of hanging out tonight for sex, which bothers me at face value, but she doesn't even like the guy as a person. She just wanted to get some, and could. And did. We talked about it a little bit more tonight, and I guess she's not nearly as bad off as I might make her sound here, but it's still not really something I can wrap my mind around.
I've been thinking about Suzannah recently, more than usual. I haven't talked to her in what seems like a very long time. I miss her, though ever time I think about it, it seems such a foolish thing. To miss her. I don't know. I ordered her flowers, three roses that'll be delivered on her birthday this week. Contra is on Thursday, and I plan to be there. And I don't expect to see her, as she's been very busy this semester and hasn't been to Contra much at all. I'd really like to see her, though, and to talk to her. I really don't know what I would want to say, but... I'd really like to get back the relationship we lost last fall; whatever it was, it was better than nothing at all. I'd like to imagine there could be Something between us, but I don't want to bring up issues that she doesn't need to worry about when she's already too worried about school. And I'm afraid to hear that there can't be anything between us. And I'm moving to California for two years.
I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to write my paper, I don't want to do my project. I just want to be done, and I want to worry about things that are important to me, not things that other people think have meaning. Though, right now, I'm not entirely sure what is important to me. By the end of the summer, I'll be easily 3000 miles away from most anyone I care about. I'll be at least six hours' drive away from anyone I know, and I won't have personal transportation. I'll be making reasonable progress into a career, but that's never been a priority of mine.
My parents were out of town for a week. They flew in tonight, and on a whim I asked if maybe we could go out to dinner when they got here. That fell through because no restaurants were opened late enough, but we made plans to do it later this week. A little later, my sister called me, wondering what was up, and said that my parents were 'suspicious', and expected that I had some kind of news for them. Which I don't. The funny thing is (get this), part of what 'tipped them off' was that, while planning it, I kept laughing. -smirk- you'd think my parents, of all people, would know that's just something I do. Laugh.
Though, these days, I'm not even so sure of that. I'm fairly certain that at least half the time it's a sort of defensive mechanism. It would make sense.
Oh, and there's a little there's a little thing about how I don't really feel comfortable discussing the situation between Suzannah and I with my parents, mostly because I don't think my mom would take kindly to Suzannah 'hurting' me this way. Not that this jas anything to do with our planned dinner, like I said, it was just a whim, but because I know my siblings will read this, and I don't want things getting back the wrong way. The fact of the matter is that my pain isn't Suzannah's fault, and I don't want anyone thinking poorly of her for it. Because I really like her.
I don't know. I'm just tired, and a little broken-hearted. It comes and goes.
My friend called out of hanging out tonight for sex, which bothers me at face value, but she doesn't even like the guy as a person. She just wanted to get some, and could. And did. We talked about it a little bit more tonight, and I guess she's not nearly as bad off as I might make her sound here, but it's still not really something I can wrap my mind around.
I've been thinking about Suzannah recently, more than usual. I haven't talked to her in what seems like a very long time. I miss her, though ever time I think about it, it seems such a foolish thing. To miss her. I don't know. I ordered her flowers, three roses that'll be delivered on her birthday this week. Contra is on Thursday, and I plan to be there. And I don't expect to see her, as she's been very busy this semester and hasn't been to Contra much at all. I'd really like to see her, though, and to talk to her. I really don't know what I would want to say, but... I'd really like to get back the relationship we lost last fall; whatever it was, it was better than nothing at all. I'd like to imagine there could be Something between us, but I don't want to bring up issues that she doesn't need to worry about when she's already too worried about school. And I'm afraid to hear that there can't be anything between us. And I'm moving to California for two years.
I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to write my paper, I don't want to do my project. I just want to be done, and I want to worry about things that are important to me, not things that other people think have meaning. Though, right now, I'm not entirely sure what is important to me. By the end of the summer, I'll be easily 3000 miles away from most anyone I care about. I'll be at least six hours' drive away from anyone I know, and I won't have personal transportation. I'll be making reasonable progress into a career, but that's never been a priority of mine.
My parents were out of town for a week. They flew in tonight, and on a whim I asked if maybe we could go out to dinner when they got here. That fell through because no restaurants were opened late enough, but we made plans to do it later this week. A little later, my sister called me, wondering what was up, and said that my parents were 'suspicious', and expected that I had some kind of news for them. Which I don't. The funny thing is (get this), part of what 'tipped them off' was that, while planning it, I kept laughing. -smirk- you'd think my parents, of all people, would know that's just something I do. Laugh.
Though, these days, I'm not even so sure of that. I'm fairly certain that at least half the time it's a sort of defensive mechanism. It would make sense.
Oh, and there's a little there's a little thing about how I don't really feel comfortable discussing the situation between Suzannah and I with my parents, mostly because I don't think my mom would take kindly to Suzannah 'hurting' me this way. Not that this jas anything to do with our planned dinner, like I said, it was just a whim, but because I know my siblings will read this, and I don't want things getting back the wrong way. The fact of the matter is that my pain isn't Suzannah's fault, and I don't want anyone thinking poorly of her for it. Because I really like her.
I don't know. I'm just tired, and a little broken-hearted. It comes and goes.
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