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jackofallgeeksThere's a song by Dashboard Confessional, which is apparently on one of the Shrek soundtracks, that not too long ago I though really spoke of my romantic position. In particular, a line of the chorus goes "I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear. And I'll belong to you, if you'll just let me through." There's another like, at the very beginning, that says "she said 'I've gotta be honest, you're wasteing your time if you're fishing round here,'" but that speaks more for Her than it does for me...
And in ways, I think it still applies. That whole utilitarian in my, below the surface, saying "I'll be useful," and my reasonably-known penchant for being honest, and loyal, and gallant. Or whatever. And for a long while, I just wanted to 'belong' to someone. Not in a bad way, as though I were a thing to be owned, but just to have someone accept me, and accept my affection. It's the second acceptance there, more than the first, that I always seem to be missing.
But now I'm not so sure. I said as much to Meghan, and I think I meant it, but I'm not sure I knew what I meant. I'm not even sure I know what I mean now. My goals haven't changed -- the driving force behind me is still to get married and have a family, and raise my children to be good people, and people I can like. I just... don't know, though.
A part of me is afraid, and has been afraid, that I'm getting calloused. That 'failed' relationship after failed relationship is just making me harder, and making it more difficult to feel the way I first did. That I won't be able to feel anything any more, and that was the big obstacle with Meghan -- I didn't feel anything. There was no passion. And a part of me is afraid that, after all else, I'd have trouble feeling even if Suzannah chose to take me. And that makes me sad and scared. And confused.
A friend of mine recently said that it's the better option to wait for the Right One to come at the Right Time, rather than get into serious relationships with all the Wrong Ones. And I agree with that. But it's not easy being lonely, either. I'm not miserable, I'm not depressed, but I am lonely.
My cousin is always saying, "one day, everything will work out. You'll see." It'd be nice.
As the line in the song goes: "Then, I was inspired. Now, I'm sad and tired."
And in ways, I think it still applies. That whole utilitarian in my, below the surface, saying "I'll be useful," and my reasonably-known penchant for being honest, and loyal, and gallant. Or whatever. And for a long while, I just wanted to 'belong' to someone. Not in a bad way, as though I were a thing to be owned, but just to have someone accept me, and accept my affection. It's the second acceptance there, more than the first, that I always seem to be missing.
But now I'm not so sure. I said as much to Meghan, and I think I meant it, but I'm not sure I knew what I meant. I'm not even sure I know what I mean now. My goals haven't changed -- the driving force behind me is still to get married and have a family, and raise my children to be good people, and people I can like. I just... don't know, though.
A part of me is afraid, and has been afraid, that I'm getting calloused. That 'failed' relationship after failed relationship is just making me harder, and making it more difficult to feel the way I first did. That I won't be able to feel anything any more, and that was the big obstacle with Meghan -- I didn't feel anything. There was no passion. And a part of me is afraid that, after all else, I'd have trouble feeling even if Suzannah chose to take me. And that makes me sad and scared. And confused.
A friend of mine recently said that it's the better option to wait for the Right One to come at the Right Time, rather than get into serious relationships with all the Wrong Ones. And I agree with that. But it's not easy being lonely, either. I'm not miserable, I'm not depressed, but I am lonely.
My cousin is always saying, "one day, everything will work out. You'll see." It'd be nice.
As the line in the song goes: "Then, I was inspired. Now, I'm sad and tired."
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Date: 2005-03-20 08:06 pm (UTC)So yeah. That's what I've learned from my years of angstful heartache culminating in finding my husband :)
On that note...
Date: 2005-03-20 09:20 pm (UTC)"You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
~ Robin Williams as Sean in Good Will Hunting
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Date: 2005-03-20 09:17 pm (UTC)I wish I knew when... but it will work out. I wish I had more information than that.