Email, Compact Discs, and Heartache

[jackofallgeeks]

So, in my most recent email, I gushed to Suzannah about Cruxshadows and how I would have had her listen to them, except I didn't expect she'd like them. So she writes back with a "-laughs- Give me a chance." So now I feel rather embarrassed and foolish. I go to burn her a CD of music that I consider my favorites... and come up with no less than 3 CDs' worth. and there are still songs I think she should hear, but I don't want to make a fourth CD.  ^_^;;  I'll give her these CDs on Thursday and ask her what she thinks.

In other news... I don't know. A couple days ago I would have said that I was overcome with apathy -- toward work, toward school, toward life in general, which includes Suzannah. But my sister came to visit and I couldn't think of anything I wanted to talk about more than Suzannah. we didn't, not really, but she was always at the front of my mind. And not but a couple hours ago I was talking with Anastasiya about Suzannah, and was hit with a slightly-more-than-mild bit of heartache. The whole, "I just want to love and be loved," thing. I want someone to come home to when the day is over. I want my suburban house, and my suburban family, and I'd even tolerate a suburban dog.

And, so, yeah... Now it's another day that it's after 4:00am, and I'm not tired. Well, not sleepy. i need to get back on something of a normal sleep cycle. Whatever it is I'm doing isn't working.

Does anybody feel the way I do? Is there anyone out there, are you hearing me? I believe in you, do you believe in me? Or am I alone in this hall of dreams?

Comments

[dikaiosunh.livejournal.com]

I don't mean to butt into your life, but... some of your talk about Suzannah reminds me of my completely dysfunctional approach to relationships back in the day (that's what I get for taking my impression of male-female interactions from Arthurian romances) - not to say that you're definitely on the wrong track or anything (I don't know nearly enough to say that), but enough to concern me that you may be setting yourself up for a fall.

I realize that S doesn't want a serious/romantic relationship *now*, and that you don't want to push it by asking "how about now?" every ten minutes... but have y'all at least had a clear chat about whether she sees potential in that direction, just not yet, or whether she just doesn't regard you as a romantic prospect? I only ask b/c it seems as if she might be merrily going along thinking that you're content, even long-term, with just a friendship. If you guys aren't on the same page on that issue, it could be a bad scene all around (and likely to be worse the longer it goes on).

Just my $.02. Please take it with a grain of salt, and coming from a benevolent place (even if it turns out to be misplaced).

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

You worry quite correctly, if belatedly. The whole "she might be merrily going along thinking that you're content" thing has been bothering me since just before school started. In fact, it's been one of the major worries weighting on my mind since then, and probably has a little something to do with the funk I've found myself in.

I know that the longer any potential miscommunication goes, the more painful it will be in the end, and I intend to sit with her and have a (hopefully plain, clear) chat with her about Us -- if there is and Us, if there might be an Us, and what we might do about the issue. The trouble is manifold. Firstly, it's not something I want to discuss over the internet, or even over the phone. It needs to be in person, which cuts the possibilities down by a considerable bit. Secondly, it's not something I'd want to discuss in an overly-public area; I'm a bashful fool like that, and as much as I may Tell All here after the fact, I need my space during it. I think that's understandable. I would have tried to talk with her about it a few weeks ago, but I simply haven't seen her in quite a while.

The third trouble is a Catch-22 sort of thing that I just need to get over and deal with. That is, I'm very humanly afraid of rejection, and asking for an answer brings up the very real possibility of getting an answer. this is where my Mind tells me it'll hurt if I don't, and my Soul tells me it'll hurt if I do. Like I said, I just need to deal with it.

But yes, I really appreciate the proffered concern. I expect to see her this Thursday, as noted. I'm going to try to talk with her then, or, failing that (due to privacy issues), to set up a time and place when we could talk. or something.

[dikaiosunh.livejournal.com]

I can understand a fear of rejection, but... avoiding it is (as you know) sorta illusory. Ever seen the flashback Simpsons episode where Homer avoids talking to Marge so she can't break their date to the prom?

Anyway, best of luck tomorrow.