I have one goal in life, and it's very difficult to do alone...

[jackofallgeeks]

I asked Suzannah 'out' in an official way tonight... Put simply, for me and her, dating isn't just for fun or companionship, friends supply that (in theory). Dating is preparation for marriage, ie, it's specifically directed toward the possibility of marriage.

Her answer: Not now.

Which is a perfectly reasonable answer for a practical girl who has a good two years of college before she graduates. She believes she's not yet in a position to consider marriage as a possibility, and I kind of have to agree with her. Even I have been having doubts about my own readiness, and I have but one year left, and I'm quite certain I want to be married... Still...

I would, of course, rather be told I'm too early than that I'm too late. She said that maybe if I were still interested at a later date that there might be a different answer. She also said she didn't want to hurt me, and that she still very much wanted to be friends. I want to be friends, too. I'd like to be more, but to be friends will suffice...

It's been a long time since I pulled 90mph on the highway. It's been a long time as well since I tasted salty tears. Rachel was there for me, as she always is. The pain will fade, and 'Not Now' is not a 'No.'

I'm tired. It's been a very exhaustive day.
I think I'll go to sleep.

Comments

[cohagen.livejournal.com]

Best of luck, Andrew. I'm glad to hear that you didn't take "not now" as a definite "no."
I suggest to take things one step at a time.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Wish I'd been around when you IMed, we don't chat enough.

Yeah, it isn't the end of the world... It's not even all that bad, really... it's just less than I'd hoped, and... I'm just tired, you know? She's... I don't know. Maybe it's mostly a fault in me, but it'd be nice if things would really go my way for once.

[cohagen.livejournal.com]

Next time I see you online, I'll drop you a line. You're right...we don't chat enough. I'd love to hear the details of your realtionship with this girl...that is, if you feel comfortable talking about them with me.

[timv.livejournal.com]

Hey buddy.

Love has a certain patience to it...a still, silent waiting. Externally distant. Internally fierce and writhing. There is a certain demonstration of love in the phrase, "wait."

You have an excellent intellectual outlook on the situation. You are right..."wait" is not "no" or "not you...never."

Love involves risk. If you care to risk your heart, you can, conceivably, continue to meet "as friends," while using that time to continue strengthening and deepening the relationship to the point where, when then time is right, her heart flowing into yours is a natural reaction.

I like you, dude :)

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

In recent months, I've found I'm a very impatient man. I'm tolerant of others, and very forgiving, so I'm 'patient' with people. But I don't like waiting. I routinely burn my mouth on oven-hot pizza and under-cook my hamburgers.

Intellectually, yes, it's quite reasonable for her to say "try again later," and it doesn't hurt because it is completely non-referential to me. Emotionally, it still hurts quite a bit, but that's my own fault for setting myself up.

I have every intention of staying friends with her and, hopefully, growing in friendship, so that in two years or so I might get a more completely-possitive answer. At the same time, it also has the effect of having the bottom drop out of the barrel -- what do I do now, in the meantime? I have bottom-outs like this quite occationally.

^_^;;  And thanks. S'always good t'hear that.

[timv.livejournal.com]

Emotionally, it still hurts quite a bit, but that's my own fault for setting myself up.
WOAH! You say that like it is a bad thing!! You could/should revel in the fact you have such an open, loving heart that although capable of experiencing extreme hurt, can also experience extreme love and joy!! Do you follow? Hurting hurts...but don't try to turn it off, because it might affect things on the other end of the spectrum. Indeed, allowing yourself to feel the hurt to its fullest might actually be the best thing you can do.

what do I do now, in the meantime?
Nothing different. Nothing.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Well, no, I've never really been one to view pain as a necessarily-bad thing. Heh, at the same time, you may be correct in noting that, from time to time, I feel that being so open and affectionate invites a great deal of hurt... -shrugs- No, I don't really think it's a bad thing, and I don't really want to turn it off, but hurt is hurt.

Nothing different. Nothing.
Heh, good advise. Though I didn't mean so much "how do I behave toward her now" as "what do I do with my life, generally?" I have this one real goal in my life -- to have a family -- and there isn't anything more that really drives me (aside from a great affection for my friends and a great desire to help them where I can). I've recently been defining more what sort of work I want to do when I graduate (Computer/Digital/Information Security looks to be an interesting field), but I have no real pressing motivation in that vein.

awwww....sweetie!

[xenu.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry :(

[dikaiosunh.livejournal.com]

Caveat to this comment: trying to argue someone into dating you almost never works. So that's not what I'm trying to say.

But it seems that even your moral perspective on dating needen't invest it with quite so much sturm und drang. Even if you think that 'casual' dating isn't where it's at, the reason that we have dating at all (and don't just skip straight to 'will you marry me?') is that it's hard to know whether or not you can make a life with someone if you don't spend at least a little time getting to know them on an (emotionally, not necessarily physically) intimate level. So it would seem that saying "yes" to a date need not be read as being tantamount to saying "yes" to a marriage proposal.

I guess the point is mostly that, yeah, you like this woman, and it sucks to be rejected... but perhaps you shouldn't regard it (as it sounds like you might be) as a derailment of a major life plan.

Uh... sorry. My consoling skills are limited to trying to put things in a different perspective.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

By "casual dating" and "Going out" I mean more of the exclusive Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationships which are quite prevelant in society, mostly as a recreation, though a poorly-though-out one, in my estimation. I do not mean by those terms 'going on a date' such as taking said lady to a dance, or to a play, or to dinner, all of which I have done with Suzannah, and expect to continue doing.

I'm not sure I regard it so much as a major derailment of a major life plan, so much so as *another* set-back, and one gets frustrated with set-backs after a time.

No trouble. I'm sure I sound worse than I really am; I tend to do that.

[ex-orin917.livejournal.com]

I wish I had something hugely encouraging to say because I know where you're at. Alas, all I have to offer is this (if you don't have it already):

http://orin.gemdo.com/music/orin%20-%20dance%20of%20our%20hearts%20(piano%20version).mp3
http://orin.gemdo.com/music/orin%20-%20dance%20of%20our%20hearts.mp3

It was written when I was in a similar situation ("maybe in 5 years") several years ago. Admittedly there was more wisdom in that answer than I had at the time, but it still hurt like hell.

On a positive note (haha) we're still friends and very close.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Heh, yes, I already have those, though I'm not sure I've yet taken the time to listen to them... I do like what music of yours I have heard, "After Manhattan," "Sadame," and "Riding Reverie." And it seems there's another on your server I haven't heard, I think, "A Theory of Perception." I'll have to yoink it when I get home. I like the title, as perception is one of my favored ideas to contemplate, when I actually get time to contemplate anymore...

On a point more related to our subject... I was in a very similar situation myself five years ago, with another lady who wasn't incvlined towards casual dating... But instead of speaking with her, I was directed to her father, who explained 'Courting' to me for the first time. It was another Not-Really-No answers, but it was also still rather disappointing... I've since found that said lady really isn't interested in marriage at all, and I pray such doesn't end up being the case here, as well... Or something...

[ex-orin917.livejournal.com]

I hope not for your sake.

In my experience women who are interested in marriage seem to talk about it. They say things like "I want to have 12 kids one day". Hehe, okay well I guess that's just one particular lady in my case... but anyway my point is that they mention these things. It usually factors into their dreams and aspirations (which, incidently, are things you should find out about any lady friend you might be interested in).

Of course my own love and lost story is the biggest tumble of knots and tragedy so I'm not the best judge of these things. But anyway...

I guess the best word of advice I can give is be the best friend you can possibly be without applying pressure to a romantic aspect. What will be will follow from that.

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that she didn't say yes...but you should be endlessly thankful that she didn't say "no" - or worse, beat around the bush with hmms and haws and maybes that would end up driving you far more mad than a request to wait awhile is going to.

You and I are both impatient people, and so trust me when I say that I know the waiting is gonna hurt...especially if you just keep waiting and waiting and nothing ever comes of it. Let's hope that doesn't happen; that someday soon she'll come back and say, "Now."

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I'm kinda of afraid of that... She said she wasn't sure, really, if marriage was in it for her... I hope she decides that it is...