The Other Post (Part 1)

[jackofallgeeks]

So, here's the deal... It started after Return of The King, which really was just yesterday. I was skimming my Friends' Journal, when I saw this:

What if I told you that when you touch me, you touch my soul. There is no difference for me. Everything you do, its not just skin and flesh that you touch, but its also the deepest most private part of me. Its strange, people have their bodies to hide their souls.... Its just that somehow mine got hidden in my skin, and I dont know how to hide it any deaper.
My emotions are on my sleave. The spot where girls are supposed to have their hearts. I'm not sure where my heart is. My dad says that its on my sleave... but I dont know weather or not to beleive him. I'm too emotional, I think things through to the point where I make up new ghosts. I dont know how else to live. My immagination runs away with me, and blinds me to whats going on. I'm a childish optamist, I'm willing to give people millions of chances; this is why I avoid my mother, becuase if she ever did a kind thing for me, I'd go back to her, to be tortured, this is why I'm so cold hearted to some topics. I never think that anything bad can happen to me. And when it does, it shocks and scares me, becuase I never expect it, and I never know how to react to it.
I'm a drama queen dont mind me. Its not important. Its just my messed up head, doing the talking.

This seemed pretty squarely directed at me. Anastasiya, I think, had wanted me to stay the night instead of immediately driving home. I wanted to stay, to, but I left because I knew I'd be disappointed if I stayed. I hugged her, as I noted in my post, and was upset that she didn't hug back. I responded with this:

If I said I missed you, I'd be considered a fool on several levels.

I miss what we had. I miss knowing how you felt about me, and knowing you knew how I felt about you. I don't mind what we have now, except when it seems you're taking efforts to pull away. It hurts. It makes me think you don't want me around at all, that I should just go away, and maybe you'll be happier without me there to remind you of affections you'd sooner forget.

I know it's probably hard for you, and I can't say anything at all that would help.There are things now that you don't want to tell me... And in a way, that makes sense and should be expected, but at the same time, it stings. I don't know, like I said, maybe I'm a fool.

I guess, maybe, it's just a matter that I don't understand why anyone would hide or deny a part of who they are, and that seems to be the only way you can deal right now.
It hurts when I look at you, or talk to you, or go to touch you and there's... nothing.

It was an open post, but it was obviously directed toward her, and obviously in reply to her post -- the subjects were even made similar. Anyways, we continued to play the LiveJournal game. This time, she posted the following, and IMed me to tell me to check LJ:

Every time I think about this, all I can think of is A Usual Wonder and the girl telling him "vyh meya tak obideli..." I feel so much like her. I feel like running away like her, pretending to be someone I'm not, forgetting all about you. And if I see you, to be so different you wouldnt even recognise me. "Onah glupa, glupa, glupa!" I dont know. I'm not good at this, "Ona sovershena ne pohozhe na printzesu" I'm not good at facing up to what I feel.
Maybe its stupid. You seem to be able to just see me as a friend, it should be so easy. I mean what is love, but the feeling that one has for a friend? But when someone sees a freind they dont feel like they will break if their friend touches them. They aren't afraid of an angry word from their friend. When you hold me, its like comming home. Its like being surounded by a blanket. One that is as heavy as a mountain, and as light as reflections from a peice of glass on the wall. "dont touch me, I couldnt bear the thought of it. Dont touch me I couldnt bear the stregth." I feel so stupid. Its a crush its a crush its a crush. I dont need you, you dont care, its ok, its just college, we're still young, i'll find someone else, you'll find someone who is more to your "perfect girl" standards, I'll find someone who isnt afraid, we'll be ok.
I dont want you to leave.
please dont leave me.
I need you.
If you told me that you wanted me to fight to keep you, I would. I would go on the quests the heros from childrens stories went on, I would weave seven shirts from nettles, I would go to the land where there is not moon, I would climb through the darkest cave, or to the top of the loneliest mountain. I love you. I dont care if you know. I dont care if you laugh and push me away and call me a stupid little girl. I cant bear to be away from you. I cant bear to have you look at me, and for me to know that you gave up. "Onah glupa, glupa, glupa!" its just a crush. Its just a crush. Its just a crush.
I want to run away and be someone different, I want to forget how much it hurt to sit on that chair and look at you. I want to forget that feeling of the walls falling around me. I want to forget what it was like to have you kiss me. To wake up and have you smile at me, and tell me "I missed you last night." I want to forget what it was like feel you put your arms around me. But if anyone tried to take that away from me, I'd fight to keep them, I'd fight any way that would ensure that I'd win.
People are supposed to be able to fall in love several times in their lives. We are. We were made that way. I keep telling myself this. I want to run to anothers arms and know that that is true. But I cant see myself feeling this way for another. I've never met anyone like you. I cant immagine not knowing you. I dont want to know what its like to not know you. "vyh meya tak obideli..."
I feel like a stupid school girl who had her heart broken for the first time. I feel rediculouse. Like when your mom dresses you for school picture day, and you come to school over dressed. Wearing a giant red bow in your hair and a little girl suit with a skirt. I feel like everyone can see. That everyone is laughing. That you're laughing with them. I'm just a dumb kid. I'm too young for you. I'm too involved. It wasnt anything to you. Yes you said you love me. But really, come now, you couldnt have loved me the same way I loved you. Or did you just think that I didnt love you? I dont knwo what to say to you. I dont want you to go home. I dont want to make you leave. I dont want to push you out of my life. I dont want to listen to Jenny. I dont want someone to tell me I dont need you. Becuase I do need you. But its just that I dont know in what way I need you.
Dont leave. Please.
I might push you away.
Please dont give up on me.
I dont know how to be around you.
I dont know what you want from me.
If you had known that if you ended it you'd never see me, would you have?
I'm a runner. "if I dont like how things are going, I'll show you just how much like my father I am; I'll leave." I dont know how to talk things out with people. I wouldnt have the courage to say any of this to your face. I'd hide, or I'd deny this. I dont like feeling foolish. I have a mans pride. I dont like having people think that i'm a fool. So I never say anything. But inside... I have so much to say, but i'll never say things becuase I'm afraid of what people will think.
So I choose to run.
No matter how much each step hurts. And I'll keep on running. Until something brings me home.
You brought me home once.
Then you let me go.
Now I'm on a different road with its own obstacles.
I just dont know if I'll ever be able to go back........

A Usual Wonder is a wonderful Russian movie about a princess and a bear and a magician... It's grand, and I love it, and if I can ever find a subbed DVD copy, I will get it. Anyways, I won't say she sounds like how I remember myself after Claire, but she does. In the first paragraph or two easily. No so much with the running, and loving repeatedly, that's all her. But it sounded to me as though maybe we were both hurting, maybe there was some commonality left there...