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jackofallgeeks[01:21.45] Anastasiya: my beloved mother just snet me an email
[01:21.50] Anastasiya: thats about it
[01:22.24] Andrew: Anything harsh?
[01:22.29] Anastasiya: its my mother
[01:22.34] Andrew: I'd gathered.
[01:22.54] Andrew: I've had little personal experience with the woman.
[01:23.11] Anastasiya: lucky you
[01:23.18] Andrew: -smirks-
[01:23.43] Anastasiya: anyone tell you to come tlak to me?
[01:23.47] Anastasiya: honestly now
[01:23.59] Andrew: No... Why, should they have?
[01:24.05] Anastasiya: ok
[01:24.10] Anastasiya: would you tell me if they had?
[01:24.21] Andrew: Yes, since you asked directly.
[01:24.28] Anastasiya: ok
[01:24.42] Andrew: What's the trouble? You OK?
[01:24.58] Anastasiya: i'm fine
[01:25.56] Andrew: -doubtful- I'll take you at your word.
[Here I get a little bit concerned, as I would if any of my friends were getting dodgy about something obviously troubling them. The 'anyone' would have been Zack, I'm sure, as i'm sure they were chatting, and no one else would know the both of us, with the exception of maybe Louis.]'
[01:26.17] Anastasiya: ok
[01:27.22] Andrew: Whtcha up to?
[01:27.31] Anastasiya: nothing
[01:27.39] Anastasiya: u?
[01:28.13] Andrew: Trying to decide i I want to go to sleep or try to get something done. Feeling really unmotivated.
[01:28.28] Anastasiya: go to sleep
[01:29.12] Andrew: -shrugs- I think I might, but I'm not feeling very motivated to do so.
[01:29.24] Andrew: Talking with Jenny right now -- she's getting back on LJ.
[01:29.44] Anastasiya: cool'
[01:29.52] Anastasiya: maybe she can explain to you why tonight was weird
[01:30.24] Andrew: :-/ I wish you would, but I won't push you for it... i'm sorry.
[Tonight I went up to hang out with Anastasiya. I get lonely, as I'm sure you all know, and the best thing about meeting Asya was that I had a friend within reasonable distance. On a whim last night I asked if I could come see her tonight after her classes. It seemed good to me, we had a nice time, but she said it was weird, as has been noted.]
[01:31.07] Anastasiya: dude, its not weird, its painful
[01:31.42] Andrew: That I can kind of understand... :-/ I'll leave you alone if you want...
[01:31.52] Anastasiya: do what you will
[01:32.16] Andrew: >_< What I will is to see you still, but...
[01:32.38] Anastasiya: I dont care
[01:32.54] Andrew: What do you mean?
[01:33.32] Anastasiya: i dont care
[01:33.37] Anastasiya: that is basicly what i mean
[01:33.41] Anastasiya: do what you will with me
[01:37.02] Andrew: I don't want to make you spend time with me if it's hurting you, Anastasiya. But I don't want to lose you as a friend, because I think that's a stupid end to a break-up... I don't know, maybe i'm an idiot, but I don't think it should have to end like that.
[01:37.43] Anastasiya: Anastasiya: do what you will with me
[01:37.44] Anastasiya: I dont care
[01:37.47] Anastasiya: its up to you
[01:38.38] Andrew: -shakes head- No, it's not, because there are two people in this relationship, and i'm not going to force it on you if you'd as soon forget I'm even around.
[01:39.04] Anastasiya: _____
[01:39.20] Anastasiya: I dont have anything to say on the topic, I have no opinion
[I don't believe her. She can't not have an opinion on the subject, she's feeling something as surely as I am. The difference is, as far as I can tell, she wants to deny it while I want to do someting about it.]
[01:40.01] Anastasiya: like i said, do what you will with me. Whatever makes you happy
[01:40.20] Anastasiya: becuase nothing at the moment is going to make me happy
[01:42.24] Anastasiya: my point is that I dont think you realize that I'm in love with you
[01:42.36] Anastasiya: and that for me there is a difference between being in love and loving someone
[01:42.59] Anastasiya: and it really sucks that I see that there is nothing that could ever make it possible for us to work out
[01:43.04] Anastasiya: not anymore
[01:43.20] Anastasiya: like i said, i need to get over you
[01:43.25] Anastasiya: and i dont know if i want to or not
[01:43.52] Anastasiya: so i'm bummed, and you know waht? my mom has to jump into the mix
[01:43.56] Anastasiya: i cant win
[01:43.56] Anastasiya: anything
[01:44.02] Anastasiya: and its unfair
[01:44.27] Andrew: I don't know.... Maybe I don't realize that you're in love with me. And maybe I don't know what you expect from me for it. Maybe I can't understand much of anything right now...
[01:44.54] Andrew: I want to see you happy, and it's frustrating that I can't do anything -- including doing nothing -- to help out.
[I suppose here is where we start getting into some of the meat of it -- she's of the mind that she needs to 'get over me,' whatever that's supposed to mean, and I just want to try and have a possitive effect on her life, as I ever have. She's probably right that we could never be together, to to hear her say it is almost an affront to me. And the fat of the matter is I don't feel about her the way she feels about me -- even though I do care for her, it's much stronger on her side, else I'm sure I'd be more broken up about it than I am.]
[01:44.57] Anastasiya: I expect for you to live out your life in your little reality
[01:45.39] Anastasiya: maybe one day you'll wake up from it, but i doubt it
[01:45.46] Anastasiya: thats just the way people live
[01:45.49] Anastasiya: or most of them at lesat
[01:45.52] Andrew: You really hate the fact that i'm Catholic, then?
[01:45.57] Anastasiya: no
[01:45.59] Anastasiya: i just accept it
[01:46.12] Andrew: Then why are you so angry with me who who I am?
[01:46.30] Anastasiya: if you changed, it would only destroy your world
[01:46.41] Anastasiya: i'm not
[01:46.50] Andrew: Maybe it would. Maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it should.
[01:46.56] Anastasiya: I'm just comming to grips with the fact that you are completly different
[01:47.00] Anastasiya: and that there is nothing that is going to change it
[01:47.23] Anastasiya: You arent going to change ANdrew, you will die a catholic
[Here's where I start to get offended. As was noted before, she seems of the opinion that I'm inherently flawed for being Catholic, and that I'm some kind of fish who can't see beyond it's little bowl of a world, and even if it could it wouldn't be able to take it. It almost feels as though she's got the self-righeous aura about her because she 'saw through' Christianity or something and chose Judeism. I'll admit I believe in objective truth, but I don't think that just because I believe what I believe that it makes me better than someone else, and even if I ever DID try to honestly convert someoe, it would be more along the lines of teaching them or sharing with them, not fixing them!]
[01:47.29] Anastasiya: and thats fine
[01:47.42] Andrew: But you're angry with me for it.
[01:47.53] Anastasiya: Even if you became Jewish tomorrow we would still never be together
[01:48.00] Anastasiya: No i'm not angry
[01:48.15] Anastasiya: i have no feeling toward you in that snece
[01:48.23] Anastasiya: you are a friend
[01:48.26] Anastasiya: and that is all
[01:48.28] Andrew: Do you have any feelings towards me at all?
[01:48.38] Anastasiya: I told you i'm in love with you
[01:48.44] Anastasiya: but that can be outgrown
[01:48.46] Anastasiya: and it will be
[I can't even begin to undetstand this perspective. To out-grow love? It doesn't make sense to me even as a possibility, let along something you would WANT to happen...]
[01:48.58] Andrew: Would you like it if I vanished, then?
[01:49.02] Anastasiya: no
[01:49.06] Anastasiya: because then you wouldnt be happy
[01:49.14] Anastasiya: and maybe one day we could be friends
[01:49.21] Anastasiya: really close freinds
[01:49.26] Anastasiya: I like having you around
[01:49.30] Andrew: That's what I'd like...
[01:49.30] Anastasiya: I like your company
[01:49.41] Anastasiya: but you know waht, it hurts like a mother fucker
[01:50.02] Andrew: I still care for you, Anastasiya, that hasn't changed, and I can't tell you how it feels o know that i'm hurting you...
[01:50.23] Anastasiya: Andrew I couldnt look at you today for long periods of time becuase I felt like I would shatter,
[01:50.37] Andrew: I want to make it stop, and it's frustrating to think that me een being here hurts.
[01:51.06] Anastasiya: what do you want me to say?
[01:51.24] Anastasiya: what do you want to hear so you can go back to sleep, and dream peacefuly?
[01:51.43] Andrew: I don't know... I guess there isn't much to say.
[01:52.45] Anastasiya: i dont know what i want
[01:52.53] Anastasiya: i dont think i could bear nt talking to you
[01:53.02] Anastasiya: but then i cant bear to talk to you
[I start to feel a little better here, because we seem to be coming to a point of understanding. Yes, our relationship didn't work, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. And, in fact, the intimacy we shared may open up a closer friendship that would be otherwise possible. I don't want her to be hurt, and she seems to want to put me at ease as best she can.]
[01:53.41] Andrew: I don't want to go away. I want to be here with you... I don't know, I'm a fool... I want you to understand, but I'm not sure what.
[01:54.03] Anastasiya: understand what? that you didnt do this out of malice?
[01:54.32] Anastasiya: not understanding that is like being mad at a baby for crying at night
[01:55.35] Anastasiya: I'm not mad at you for being Catholic
[01:55.40] Anastasiya: I dont want you to think that
[01:55.54] Andrew: -nods- I feel a step better, then...
[This only advances the last snip, and is possibly the best thing that was said all night, from my perspective.]
[01:56.12] Andrew: But I want YOU to feel better, too, and I have nothig to say that will help.
[01:56.26] Anastasiya: I'm just mad at myself for thinking I could change something that was unchangable
[01:56.37] Anastasiya: I tend to do that
[01:56.40] Anastasiya: and you know what?
[01:56.45] Andrew: What?
[01:56.51] Anastasiya: thats always going to be my fatal flaw
[01:57.01] Anastasiya: I can just see repeating my dads mistakes
[01:57.06] Anastasiya: and frankly that bothers me
[01:57.20] Andrew: But you're willing to try for change.
[01:57.27] Andrew: And someti,es that's a good thing.
[01:57.45] Anastasiya: I'm wiling to try to change, but even if you were Jewish, you wouldnt be Jewish
[01:58.02] Andrew: Yeah, apparently, huh?
[Things start slipping again. She didn't catch the tone in my response, as tones are hard to convey. There should be a slight... almost-snear to it, and she obviously is unwilling to accept the possiblity that I could change, or that if I did, she wouldn't accept me as a Jew. Somehow, if I converted, it would be less truthful than her own conversion. i'll refrain from comment.]
[01:58.20] Anastasiya: any change that occures in a person once theyre an adult isnt a true change, its just another mask they put on
[01:58.24] Anastasiya: you would always be catholic
[01:58.36] Andrew: That's one theory.
[01:58.41] Anastasiya: and I'm a fool for thinking that it could change
[01:58.59] Anastasiya: the dumbest thing si that i had a prime example of it right before my eyes
[01:59.07] Anastasiya: and i refused to see it
[Back to the 'you need to be fixed' feeling...]
[01:58.55] Andrew: I used to think that people never change, they just grew into who they always were.
[01:59.10] Andrew: I don't think that's the case anymore. I think people can and do change.
[01:59.17] Anastasiya: no they dont
[01:59.26] Anastasiya: they just embrace whatever was laid down as their foundation
[01:59.30] Anastasiya: people cant change
[01:59.48] Anastasiya: you just refused to see that side of them before
[02:00.09] Anastasiya: and you will always have the same core
[02:00.29] Anastasiya: the same principles, the same feeling and ways of getting to the "logical" conclusion
[We all know I'm a fucking emotionless machine...]
[02:00.51] Andrew: -smirk- Not everyone follows 'logic.'
[02:00.59] Anastasiya: i am well aware of that
[02:01.19] Anastasiya: i didnt when i should have and its kinda got me smeared against the world windsheild at the moment
[02:02.29] Andrew: Anastasiya, I need to go to bed, but... i don't know... I want to be your friend. I want you to feel you can talk to me, and yell at me if you want, and whatever... Maybe it can't happen, but I do want to be good friends....
[02:03.04] Andrew: I don't know...
[02:03.05] Anastasiya: go to bed
[02:03.05] Anastasiya: and grow up
[I signed of here, unceremoneously. I don't think I'll be getting back on AIM tonight. Or tomorrow morning. I can't stand to hold a grudge, but I may not be back on AIM until after I'm home for the break, and not on consistantly until after school starts again in Janurary. I can't stand to be angry, but I'm furious. Maybe I can't change who I am, but I know for a fucking fact that I'm unwilling to try unless I can be presented with a good reason why I should. Even if I could never have a family with her, I can still care deeply for her, and she doesn't seem to recognize that. Maybe she needs to decide that I'm defective in order to 'get over' me -- that seems to be the way girls opperate. I don't understand that, but right now, I don't care to understand it, either.
I can't fucking stand being angry.]
[01:21.50] Anastasiya: thats about it
[01:22.24] Andrew: Anything harsh?
[01:22.29] Anastasiya: its my mother
[01:22.34] Andrew: I'd gathered.
[01:22.54] Andrew: I've had little personal experience with the woman.
[01:23.11] Anastasiya: lucky you
[01:23.18] Andrew: -smirks-
[01:23.43] Anastasiya: anyone tell you to come tlak to me?
[01:23.47] Anastasiya: honestly now
[01:23.59] Andrew: No... Why, should they have?
[01:24.05] Anastasiya: ok
[01:24.10] Anastasiya: would you tell me if they had?
[01:24.21] Andrew: Yes, since you asked directly.
[01:24.28] Anastasiya: ok
[01:24.42] Andrew: What's the trouble? You OK?
[01:24.58] Anastasiya: i'm fine
[01:25.56] Andrew: -doubtful- I'll take you at your word.
[Here I get a little bit concerned, as I would if any of my friends were getting dodgy about something obviously troubling them. The 'anyone' would have been Zack, I'm sure, as i'm sure they were chatting, and no one else would know the both of us, with the exception of maybe Louis.]'
[01:26.17] Anastasiya: ok
[01:27.22] Andrew: Whtcha up to?
[01:27.31] Anastasiya: nothing
[01:27.39] Anastasiya: u?
[01:28.13] Andrew: Trying to decide i I want to go to sleep or try to get something done. Feeling really unmotivated.
[01:28.28] Anastasiya: go to sleep
[01:29.12] Andrew: -shrugs- I think I might, but I'm not feeling very motivated to do so.
[01:29.24] Andrew: Talking with Jenny right now -- she's getting back on LJ.
[01:29.44] Anastasiya: cool'
[01:29.52] Anastasiya: maybe she can explain to you why tonight was weird
[01:30.24] Andrew: :-/ I wish you would, but I won't push you for it... i'm sorry.
[Tonight I went up to hang out with Anastasiya. I get lonely, as I'm sure you all know, and the best thing about meeting Asya was that I had a friend within reasonable distance. On a whim last night I asked if I could come see her tonight after her classes. It seemed good to me, we had a nice time, but she said it was weird, as has been noted.]
[01:31.07] Anastasiya: dude, its not weird, its painful
[01:31.42] Andrew: That I can kind of understand... :-/ I'll leave you alone if you want...
[01:31.52] Anastasiya: do what you will
[01:32.16] Andrew: >_< What I will is to see you still, but...
[01:32.38] Anastasiya: I dont care
[01:32.54] Andrew: What do you mean?
[01:33.32] Anastasiya: i dont care
[01:33.37] Anastasiya: that is basicly what i mean
[01:33.41] Anastasiya: do what you will with me
[01:37.02] Andrew: I don't want to make you spend time with me if it's hurting you, Anastasiya. But I don't want to lose you as a friend, because I think that's a stupid end to a break-up... I don't know, maybe i'm an idiot, but I don't think it should have to end like that.
[01:37.43] Anastasiya: Anastasiya: do what you will with me
[01:37.44] Anastasiya: I dont care
[01:37.47] Anastasiya: its up to you
[01:38.38] Andrew: -shakes head- No, it's not, because there are two people in this relationship, and i'm not going to force it on you if you'd as soon forget I'm even around.
[01:39.04] Anastasiya: _____
[01:39.20] Anastasiya: I dont have anything to say on the topic, I have no opinion
[I don't believe her. She can't not have an opinion on the subject, she's feeling something as surely as I am. The difference is, as far as I can tell, she wants to deny it while I want to do someting about it.]
[01:40.01] Anastasiya: like i said, do what you will with me. Whatever makes you happy
[01:40.20] Anastasiya: becuase nothing at the moment is going to make me happy
[01:42.24] Anastasiya: my point is that I dont think you realize that I'm in love with you
[01:42.36] Anastasiya: and that for me there is a difference between being in love and loving someone
[01:42.59] Anastasiya: and it really sucks that I see that there is nothing that could ever make it possible for us to work out
[01:43.04] Anastasiya: not anymore
[01:43.20] Anastasiya: like i said, i need to get over you
[01:43.25] Anastasiya: and i dont know if i want to or not
[01:43.52] Anastasiya: so i'm bummed, and you know waht? my mom has to jump into the mix
[01:43.56] Anastasiya: i cant win
[01:43.56] Anastasiya: anything
[01:44.02] Anastasiya: and its unfair
[01:44.27] Andrew: I don't know.... Maybe I don't realize that you're in love with me. And maybe I don't know what you expect from me for it. Maybe I can't understand much of anything right now...
[01:44.54] Andrew: I want to see you happy, and it's frustrating that I can't do anything -- including doing nothing -- to help out.
[I suppose here is where we start getting into some of the meat of it -- she's of the mind that she needs to 'get over me,' whatever that's supposed to mean, and I just want to try and have a possitive effect on her life, as I ever have. She's probably right that we could never be together, to to hear her say it is almost an affront to me. And the fat of the matter is I don't feel about her the way she feels about me -- even though I do care for her, it's much stronger on her side, else I'm sure I'd be more broken up about it than I am.]
[01:44.57] Anastasiya: I expect for you to live out your life in your little reality
[01:45.39] Anastasiya: maybe one day you'll wake up from it, but i doubt it
[01:45.46] Anastasiya: thats just the way people live
[01:45.49] Anastasiya: or most of them at lesat
[01:45.52] Andrew: You really hate the fact that i'm Catholic, then?
[01:45.57] Anastasiya: no
[01:45.59] Anastasiya: i just accept it
[01:46.12] Andrew: Then why are you so angry with me who who I am?
[01:46.30] Anastasiya: if you changed, it would only destroy your world
[01:46.41] Anastasiya: i'm not
[01:46.50] Andrew: Maybe it would. Maybe it wouldn't. Maybe it should.
[01:46.56] Anastasiya: I'm just comming to grips with the fact that you are completly different
[01:47.00] Anastasiya: and that there is nothing that is going to change it
[01:47.23] Anastasiya: You arent going to change ANdrew, you will die a catholic
[Here's where I start to get offended. As was noted before, she seems of the opinion that I'm inherently flawed for being Catholic, and that I'm some kind of fish who can't see beyond it's little bowl of a world, and even if it could it wouldn't be able to take it. It almost feels as though she's got the self-righeous aura about her because she 'saw through' Christianity or something and chose Judeism. I'll admit I believe in objective truth, but I don't think that just because I believe what I believe that it makes me better than someone else, and even if I ever DID try to honestly convert someoe, it would be more along the lines of teaching them or sharing with them, not fixing them!]
[01:47.29] Anastasiya: and thats fine
[01:47.42] Andrew: But you're angry with me for it.
[01:47.53] Anastasiya: Even if you became Jewish tomorrow we would still never be together
[01:48.00] Anastasiya: No i'm not angry
[01:48.15] Anastasiya: i have no feeling toward you in that snece
[01:48.23] Anastasiya: you are a friend
[01:48.26] Anastasiya: and that is all
[01:48.28] Andrew: Do you have any feelings towards me at all?
[01:48.38] Anastasiya: I told you i'm in love with you
[01:48.44] Anastasiya: but that can be outgrown
[01:48.46] Anastasiya: and it will be
[I can't even begin to undetstand this perspective. To out-grow love? It doesn't make sense to me even as a possibility, let along something you would WANT to happen...]
[01:48.58] Andrew: Would you like it if I vanished, then?
[01:49.02] Anastasiya: no
[01:49.06] Anastasiya: because then you wouldnt be happy
[01:49.14] Anastasiya: and maybe one day we could be friends
[01:49.21] Anastasiya: really close freinds
[01:49.26] Anastasiya: I like having you around
[01:49.30] Andrew: That's what I'd like...
[01:49.30] Anastasiya: I like your company
[01:49.41] Anastasiya: but you know waht, it hurts like a mother fucker
[01:50.02] Andrew: I still care for you, Anastasiya, that hasn't changed, and I can't tell you how it feels o know that i'm hurting you...
[01:50.23] Anastasiya: Andrew I couldnt look at you today for long periods of time becuase I felt like I would shatter,
[01:50.37] Andrew: I want to make it stop, and it's frustrating to think that me een being here hurts.
[01:51.06] Anastasiya: what do you want me to say?
[01:51.24] Anastasiya: what do you want to hear so you can go back to sleep, and dream peacefuly?
[01:51.43] Andrew: I don't know... I guess there isn't much to say.
[01:52.45] Anastasiya: i dont know what i want
[01:52.53] Anastasiya: i dont think i could bear nt talking to you
[01:53.02] Anastasiya: but then i cant bear to talk to you
[I start to feel a little better here, because we seem to be coming to a point of understanding. Yes, our relationship didn't work, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. And, in fact, the intimacy we shared may open up a closer friendship that would be otherwise possible. I don't want her to be hurt, and she seems to want to put me at ease as best she can.]
[01:53.41] Andrew: I don't want to go away. I want to be here with you... I don't know, I'm a fool... I want you to understand, but I'm not sure what.
[01:54.03] Anastasiya: understand what? that you didnt do this out of malice?
[01:54.32] Anastasiya: not understanding that is like being mad at a baby for crying at night
[01:55.35] Anastasiya: I'm not mad at you for being Catholic
[01:55.40] Anastasiya: I dont want you to think that
[01:55.54] Andrew: -nods- I feel a step better, then...
[This only advances the last snip, and is possibly the best thing that was said all night, from my perspective.]
[01:56.12] Andrew: But I want YOU to feel better, too, and I have nothig to say that will help.
[01:56.26] Anastasiya: I'm just mad at myself for thinking I could change something that was unchangable
[01:56.37] Anastasiya: I tend to do that
[01:56.40] Anastasiya: and you know what?
[01:56.45] Andrew: What?
[01:56.51] Anastasiya: thats always going to be my fatal flaw
[01:57.01] Anastasiya: I can just see repeating my dads mistakes
[01:57.06] Anastasiya: and frankly that bothers me
[01:57.20] Andrew: But you're willing to try for change.
[01:57.27] Andrew: And someti,es that's a good thing.
[01:57.45] Anastasiya: I'm wiling to try to change, but even if you were Jewish, you wouldnt be Jewish
[01:58.02] Andrew: Yeah, apparently, huh?
[Things start slipping again. She didn't catch the tone in my response, as tones are hard to convey. There should be a slight... almost-snear to it, and she obviously is unwilling to accept the possiblity that I could change, or that if I did, she wouldn't accept me as a Jew. Somehow, if I converted, it would be less truthful than her own conversion. i'll refrain from comment.]
[01:58.20] Anastasiya: any change that occures in a person once theyre an adult isnt a true change, its just another mask they put on
[01:58.24] Anastasiya: you would always be catholic
[01:58.36] Andrew: That's one theory.
[01:58.41] Anastasiya: and I'm a fool for thinking that it could change
[01:58.59] Anastasiya: the dumbest thing si that i had a prime example of it right before my eyes
[01:59.07] Anastasiya: and i refused to see it
[Back to the 'you need to be fixed' feeling...]
[01:58.55] Andrew: I used to think that people never change, they just grew into who they always were.
[01:59.10] Andrew: I don't think that's the case anymore. I think people can and do change.
[01:59.17] Anastasiya: no they dont
[01:59.26] Anastasiya: they just embrace whatever was laid down as their foundation
[01:59.30] Anastasiya: people cant change
[01:59.48] Anastasiya: you just refused to see that side of them before
[02:00.09] Anastasiya: and you will always have the same core
[02:00.29] Anastasiya: the same principles, the same feeling and ways of getting to the "logical" conclusion
[We all know I'm a fucking emotionless machine...]
[02:00.51] Andrew: -smirk- Not everyone follows 'logic.'
[02:00.59] Anastasiya: i am well aware of that
[02:01.19] Anastasiya: i didnt when i should have and its kinda got me smeared against the world windsheild at the moment
[02:02.29] Andrew: Anastasiya, I need to go to bed, but... i don't know... I want to be your friend. I want you to feel you can talk to me, and yell at me if you want, and whatever... Maybe it can't happen, but I do want to be good friends....
[02:03.04] Andrew: I don't know...
[02:03.05] Anastasiya: go to bed
[02:03.05] Anastasiya: and grow up
[I signed of here, unceremoneously. I don't think I'll be getting back on AIM tonight. Or tomorrow morning. I can't stand to hold a grudge, but I may not be back on AIM until after I'm home for the break, and not on consistantly until after school starts again in Janurary. I can't stand to be angry, but I'm furious. Maybe I can't change who I am, but I know for a fucking fact that I'm unwilling to try unless I can be presented with a good reason why I should. Even if I could never have a family with her, I can still care deeply for her, and she doesn't seem to recognize that. Maybe she needs to decide that I'm defective in order to 'get over' me -- that seems to be the way girls opperate. I don't understand that, but right now, I don't care to understand it, either.
I can't fucking stand being angry.]
