Beneathe The Calm
Nov. 24th, 2003 10:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksSo, right... Stuff has been bothering me under the surface for a little while now... I don't think things are going to work out between Anastasiya and I. And actually, I think I'd decided that before it even started. That's what Rachel and I discussed before it began, anyways -- the possibility of having a relationship with someone while knowing that it wasn't going to last.
I think that's starting to wear down on me, though. I really like having a Someone around, but just like with Claire, I don't... feel comfortable, I guess... I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me, I suppose; if it isn't going to go anywhere, why keep playing the game? That's sounds really harsh, I think... I want to stay friends with her. It just feels like staying Together is just a big lie, or something, because to me, that means commitment, and there can't really be commitment if you know it's going to end.
I'm also a little bit afraid that we're going to go too far if things keep up. I've told some of you how far it's gotten already. I'm afraid that, left unchecked, it will go Too Far, and I don't trust myself enough to keep it checked myself. I'm human, just like anyone else.
This isn't all religion-based, either. Yes, the glaringly obvious incompatibility is that I'm Catholic and she's Jewish. Or, more specifically, I'm looking for a Catholic girl to spend my life with, and she's looking for a Jewish guy. And, in that much, this is somewhat of a replay of my last relationship. But in other ways, it's not.
The first divergence is religion based, I suppose... She wants me to Convert. I can't say whether or not Claire ever wanted me to switch sides, but if she did, it was never mentioned. Almost from the beginning, Anastasiya has wanted me to hop the fence. And, for those who know me, I think it'd rather be easier for a fish to sprout wings than for me to hop said fence. What's really bothered me though, is the way that this has manifested itself. That is, it seems to me that at every step, her arguments have been, more-or-less, simply attacking my faith, my beliefs, and my understanding of what I profess. The most defined of which, I suppose, is when she had the epiphany that 'hell' was "where people are allowed to think." Pardon my French, but like that's not a fucking stereotype. And from what she has told me about her faith, it just comes off as a very scrupulous, arbitrary set of laws (arguably, I suppose my faith may seem similar to some...), and I simply can not abide by the basically arbitrary.
The next fracture was pointed out the day that Louis introduced us, by none other than Louis himself. I quote, "yup, she's definitely eighteen." That is to say, she acts very... juvenile at times. Very juvenile, at times. Very childlike, which can be at one time charming, and at another rather wearing. I like to imagine that, at least to some extent, I have an air of maturity and sophistication (yes, I crack a smile every now and again...), and her kiddishness and sometimes immaturity just... really accentuates the age-split we have. And, on top of that... I don't want to say 'she doesn't have the same sort of sophistication' (because we all know I sound too damn arrogant as it is), but she doesn't. Yes, I'm two years ahead of her in College, but sometimes the intellectual divide feels just as deep as the age-split.
The last grievance I have is her apparent victim-syndrome. She's Jewish, and that's fine. We believe in the same God (well, in theory; I'll not wax theo-philosophical here, but one might wonder if a different understanding of the same person truly constitutes knowing the same person), and I have nothing against Jews. The trouble is, she seems to have it in her head that the whole world is anti-Semitic. She has this opinion that, given the opportunity, anyone would be willing to wipe the Jews from the Earth, just because they're Jews. Or something. I don't know, it's one thing to have a sense of nationality and heritage (I'm always spouting about how I'm Irish and really fucking proud of it, even if I've never been to Ireland, and the closest thing to Irish heritage I've ever been exposed to is St Patric's Day cabbage), but it's quite another, I feel, to claim that one set of people are intrinsically better than another, and/or that said group is so very specifically put upon because everyone hates them.
I can't tolerate victim-syndrome. It feels so fundamentally ignorant.
Of course, I do still want to be friends with her. I disagree with most of my friends about religion and morals, anyways, and there's always a little piece that irks me... No one's perfect, least of all me, of course. I just, don't feel comfortable with this, on a few levels... And, of course, knowing Ms. Suzannah, the pretty little Catholic English Major from Christendom, isn't helping much...
I see her tonight. I think I may bring this up. Not in such gorey details, necessarily, but I fear that if this isn't brought to light, I may end up resenting her. Which, of course, is a Bad Thing.
I think that's starting to wear down on me, though. I really like having a Someone around, but just like with Claire, I don't... feel comfortable, I guess... I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me, I suppose; if it isn't going to go anywhere, why keep playing the game? That's sounds really harsh, I think... I want to stay friends with her. It just feels like staying Together is just a big lie, or something, because to me, that means commitment, and there can't really be commitment if you know it's going to end.
I'm also a little bit afraid that we're going to go too far if things keep up. I've told some of you how far it's gotten already. I'm afraid that, left unchecked, it will go Too Far, and I don't trust myself enough to keep it checked myself. I'm human, just like anyone else.
This isn't all religion-based, either. Yes, the glaringly obvious incompatibility is that I'm Catholic and she's Jewish. Or, more specifically, I'm looking for a Catholic girl to spend my life with, and she's looking for a Jewish guy. And, in that much, this is somewhat of a replay of my last relationship. But in other ways, it's not.
The first divergence is religion based, I suppose... She wants me to Convert. I can't say whether or not Claire ever wanted me to switch sides, but if she did, it was never mentioned. Almost from the beginning, Anastasiya has wanted me to hop the fence. And, for those who know me, I think it'd rather be easier for a fish to sprout wings than for me to hop said fence. What's really bothered me though, is the way that this has manifested itself. That is, it seems to me that at every step, her arguments have been, more-or-less, simply attacking my faith, my beliefs, and my understanding of what I profess. The most defined of which, I suppose, is when she had the epiphany that 'hell' was "where people are allowed to think." Pardon my French, but like that's not a fucking stereotype. And from what she has told me about her faith, it just comes off as a very scrupulous, arbitrary set of laws (arguably, I suppose my faith may seem similar to some...), and I simply can not abide by the basically arbitrary.
The next fracture was pointed out the day that Louis introduced us, by none other than Louis himself. I quote, "yup, she's definitely eighteen." That is to say, she acts very... juvenile at times. Very juvenile, at times. Very childlike, which can be at one time charming, and at another rather wearing. I like to imagine that, at least to some extent, I have an air of maturity and sophistication (yes, I crack a smile every now and again...), and her kiddishness and sometimes immaturity just... really accentuates the age-split we have. And, on top of that... I don't want to say 'she doesn't have the same sort of sophistication' (because we all know I sound too damn arrogant as it is), but she doesn't. Yes, I'm two years ahead of her in College, but sometimes the intellectual divide feels just as deep as the age-split.
The last grievance I have is her apparent victim-syndrome. She's Jewish, and that's fine. We believe in the same God (well, in theory; I'll not wax theo-philosophical here, but one might wonder if a different understanding of the same person truly constitutes knowing the same person), and I have nothing against Jews. The trouble is, she seems to have it in her head that the whole world is anti-Semitic. She has this opinion that, given the opportunity, anyone would be willing to wipe the Jews from the Earth, just because they're Jews. Or something. I don't know, it's one thing to have a sense of nationality and heritage (I'm always spouting about how I'm Irish and really fucking proud of it, even if I've never been to Ireland, and the closest thing to Irish heritage I've ever been exposed to is St Patric's Day cabbage), but it's quite another, I feel, to claim that one set of people are intrinsically better than another, and/or that said group is so very specifically put upon because everyone hates them.
I can't tolerate victim-syndrome. It feels so fundamentally ignorant.
Of course, I do still want to be friends with her. I disagree with most of my friends about religion and morals, anyways, and there's always a little piece that irks me... No one's perfect, least of all me, of course. I just, don't feel comfortable with this, on a few levels... And, of course, knowing Ms. Suzannah, the pretty little Catholic English Major from Christendom, isn't helping much...
I see her tonight. I think I may bring this up. Not in such gorey details, necessarily, but I fear that if this isn't brought to light, I may end up resenting her. Which, of course, is a Bad Thing.
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Date: 2003-11-24 01:02 pm (UTC)"she acts very... juvenile at times. Very juvenile, at times. Very childlike, which can be at one time charming, and at another rather wearing."
Y'know I had a similar situation a while ago. A little worse because I actually cared very intensely for the girl in question. And it's funny how you seem to take it in your stride and crack those little not-quite-amused smiles and almost reflexively justify why you should put up with it all the time thinking it's probably just a phase she'll grow out of. After all sometimes it's quite cute.
Then one day something happens and you realise it's not quite just a phase and all of the sudden the childishness becomes acutely annoying. It hurts you. Despite this you try to overwhelm the negative by pummelling it with more caring/love.
But all the time you know you can never truly bridge the divide. It's not that you're necessarily more sophisticated or mature (though it might be) but you operate on different wavelengths. You enjoy the peaceful and serene, you ponder and bathe in essences and simplicities. She revels in the moment, finds excitement in things that seem to have no point to you. She yearns for an excitement you see as shallow, while she views your depth and need for inspiration as wastefully tiresome. She exists in a different cycle of life. Still you carry on, trying, hoping.
Until one day it breaks you, and it breaks you utterly. And only in retrospect do you understand.
Or at least... that was my experience. Take from it what you will. ^^
Orin.setMode( MODE_LURK );
Strength and peace to you...
Date: 2003-11-24 05:17 pm (UTC)