Tirade of Thought

[jackofallgeeks]

I'm angry because she's not here.
I'm angry because there's no reason she should be here.
I'm angry because I'm angry, if you follow my sense.

I'm scared...
I'm scared that she'll be done with me utterly.
I'm scared that she'll leave in truth.
I'm scared that I'm the one to push her away.

I'm conflicted.
I'm confused.
I'm frustrated.
I'm tired.
I'm lonely.

I don't like the silence. I don't like saying things and never hearing a response. I don't like wishing I knew. I don't like not knowing how to get in touch with her, and I don't like dumping myself here. Not because I feel I'm dumping myself upon the poor readers, but because what I really want to do is to sit and talk with her. Because I still know that'll make me feel better, and I know that I'll never know anything until we sit down and talk. And if I'm just left here to stew in my own despair, I'm going to say something I don't intend.
And because I just miss her.

I'm scared sometimes... I'm afraid that there's no one out there for me. That I'm wired wrong. That non-religious girls won't like the religious side of me, and religious girls won't like the non-religious side of me. I get frustrated that I have all this affection and devotion to give, and no one wants it from me. I get scared that, really, no one cares.

And I worry that, somewhere, someone thinks this is their fault. And it's really not.

---

How I think
Now and Then by Blackmore's Night
The past time so familiar
But that's why you couldn't stay
Too many ghosts, too many haunted dreams
Beside you were built to find your own way...

But after all these years, I thought we'd still hold on
But when I reach for you and search your eyes
I see you've already gone...

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time
But when you leave just remember what we had...
There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then...

Can't do a thing with ashes
But throw them to the wind...
Though this heart may be in pieces now
You know I'll build it up again and
I'll come back stronger than I ever did before
Just don't turn around when you walk out that door...

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time
And even though our stories at the end
I still may think of you now and then...

How I feel
You Don't See Me by Josie and the Pussycats
This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
This is as hard as it gets
Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough

I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
And tumblin' and breakin'

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand
That I dream a million sleepless nights
Well I dream a fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights

I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get

I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

Comments

[photoholic62.livejournal.com]

"Not knowing" is the hardest part.

Keep being yourself Andrew, you shine, you are on the right path.

Know yourself.

[starlight1184.livejournal.com]

You are a great guy, and there IS someone for you. There's this movie I've seen that has this philosophy about soulmates. There isn't just one for every person, there are many. It just depends on what point in your life you meet them. So you will meet her. I promise you, it will happen. I can't tell you when or how, but I know in my heart that it will.

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I have nothing to say...but I want you to know that I'm listening (or reading, if you prefer), and that I care. ::hugs::

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

More than you know, that means alot.
S'easy to forget that anyone's around when everything's so quiet...

[violetmay.livejournal.com]

...someone is always there, even in the silence of the quietest places. hear that voice you've listened to before and know that loneliness can not consume you if you do not allow it to.