Fade Out...
Jul. 9th, 2003 07:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksI've been feeling really out of phase lately... like, the past week...
On the way over here (work) this morning, I made the wonderful decision to pop in a mix-CD I have entitled "Tragic Tale," burned several months ago, I'm sure (probably even longer ago than that). Now then, you would've thought that the name would have tipped me off, except that (a) the names I give CDs (including "Reticulating Splines," "Original Copy," and "Rear View") often have very little to do with the actual contents of the CD -- just whatever catches my whimsy at the time. A poor naming scheme, perhapse, but I enjoy it. And (2), alot of my CDs are have dark-sounding names like that ("Every Silver Lining...," "Silent Syndrome," "Lost and Dreaming"). Anyways, make a paragraph out of one sentence, 'unrequited love' pretty much sums up the CD -- "Gotta Tell You," "I'm Stupid," "All Out Of Love," "Tango De Roxanne," that sorta stuff.
My listening selection for this morning is really tangential -- suffice it to say that on the way over here I knew everything I wanted to say, and how to say it. And now, I'm at a loss.
Of course, knowing me, I'm going to try anyways...
I've been feeling really out of phase lately. Like, the whole last week. Thinking about it, maybe longer than that. I feel I'm losing touch with my dear friends... I never really get to chat with either Leslie or Rachel anymore. Beth has never -really- ever talked with me, though I still think she's a nice girl... I haven't talked with Amanda or Mel in ages... Claire...
I'm actually upset with Claire right now, and I hate it. The trigger was just before she left for her trip to Ireland, and she casually slighted me. And... Well, compounding that... I'm frustrated. For more or less that last year... (Can you tell that I'm not sure how to start?) I'm frustrated because she hasn't been there when I needed her, but for a few times. And those few times she's been wonderful, she really has. But most of the time when I needed to talk to her, she hasn't been around. and alot of the time when I have talked to her, things just hang there. I hate it when I take that step and open myself up (a la The Letter), and then things just sit there. I need feedback. And it frustrates me that there's been so many times that I haven't gotten that from her. The most torturous thing I've had to deal with has been not knowing how she feels.
Right now, I don't think she wants me back. That is, I don't think she'll ever want me back. I've come to the conclusion on my own, and I would like very much if she would contradict this point, but... She doesn't need me, near as I can tell. She doesn't... She's got everything she needs in her world, and I'm not a part of it. I still feel very close to her -- when she's there, she's wonderful -- and I want to be friends with her... But... I want to express my affections for her, and I don't think she wants me to. I'm almost possitive she wouldn't allow me to do so in the only way I know how, and that's REALLY FRUSTATING. To have this all sitting here, ready to burst, and not have anywhere for it to go... We got a nice talk about a month ago (Jun 8th), and it was nice when we saw eachother three weeks ago (Jun 13th), but I feel like it's been a while since we really got to talk... I do far to much chatting an d not enough talking...
So, that being said, that Claire doesn't want me back... I want to stop fighting. What's the point in fighting when I know I've already lost? No one recognizes my efforts except me, and all I see is failure. I don't like feeling like I can't do anything right... And it doesn't matter if she'd ever take me back anyways. I'm still Catholic, and she's still not. And she never will be, and I can't be anything else. We'd hit the same block we ever did, and I don't know how we could get around it... -sigh- I just wish I meant something to her... I donno...
I had more to say, I'm sure... this wasn't all going to be about Claire... I have made a few real connections, though I wish they were around more. Stacey's really nice, though the time differences make things odd. I haven't seen Elizabeth in a while... I have sorta gotten back in touch with Ms. Emily, though, who I'm currently talking to... She still scares me. A long time ago she and her sister, Becky, went to Highschool with me, and I rather had affections for her... I can't help but feel like they (her family generally) have standards to which I can't measure up... It is really nice to talk to her again, though...
Anyways, it's been about an hour sitting and writing this up, so I should really go and do something constructive. -laughs- I still need to write a general post, or else those not in this Security Group will think I've died or something...
On the way over here (work) this morning, I made the wonderful decision to pop in a mix-CD I have entitled "Tragic Tale," burned several months ago, I'm sure (probably even longer ago than that). Now then, you would've thought that the name would have tipped me off, except that (a) the names I give CDs (including "Reticulating Splines," "Original Copy," and "Rear View") often have very little to do with the actual contents of the CD -- just whatever catches my whimsy at the time. A poor naming scheme, perhapse, but I enjoy it. And (2), alot of my CDs are have dark-sounding names like that ("Every Silver Lining...," "Silent Syndrome," "Lost and Dreaming"). Anyways, make a paragraph out of one sentence, 'unrequited love' pretty much sums up the CD -- "Gotta Tell You," "I'm Stupid," "All Out Of Love," "Tango De Roxanne," that sorta stuff.
My listening selection for this morning is really tangential -- suffice it to say that on the way over here I knew everything I wanted to say, and how to say it. And now, I'm at a loss.
Of course, knowing me, I'm going to try anyways...
I've been feeling really out of phase lately. Like, the whole last week. Thinking about it, maybe longer than that. I feel I'm losing touch with my dear friends... I never really get to chat with either Leslie or Rachel anymore. Beth has never -really- ever talked with me, though I still think she's a nice girl... I haven't talked with Amanda or Mel in ages... Claire...
I'm actually upset with Claire right now, and I hate it. The trigger was just before she left for her trip to Ireland, and she casually slighted me. And... Well, compounding that... I'm frustrated. For more or less that last year... (Can you tell that I'm not sure how to start?) I'm frustrated because she hasn't been there when I needed her, but for a few times. And those few times she's been wonderful, she really has. But most of the time when I needed to talk to her, she hasn't been around. and alot of the time when I have talked to her, things just hang there. I hate it when I take that step and open myself up (a la The Letter), and then things just sit there. I need feedback. And it frustrates me that there's been so many times that I haven't gotten that from her. The most torturous thing I've had to deal with has been not knowing how she feels.
Right now, I don't think she wants me back. That is, I don't think she'll ever want me back. I've come to the conclusion on my own, and I would like very much if she would contradict this point, but... She doesn't need me, near as I can tell. She doesn't... She's got everything she needs in her world, and I'm not a part of it. I still feel very close to her -- when she's there, she's wonderful -- and I want to be friends with her... But... I want to express my affections for her, and I don't think she wants me to. I'm almost possitive she wouldn't allow me to do so in the only way I know how, and that's REALLY FRUSTATING. To have this all sitting here, ready to burst, and not have anywhere for it to go... We got a nice talk about a month ago (Jun 8th), and it was nice when we saw eachother three weeks ago (Jun 13th), but I feel like it's been a while since we really got to talk... I do far to much chatting an d not enough talking...
So, that being said, that Claire doesn't want me back... I want to stop fighting. What's the point in fighting when I know I've already lost? No one recognizes my efforts except me, and all I see is failure. I don't like feeling like I can't do anything right... And it doesn't matter if she'd ever take me back anyways. I'm still Catholic, and she's still not. And she never will be, and I can't be anything else. We'd hit the same block we ever did, and I don't know how we could get around it... -sigh- I just wish I meant something to her... I donno...
I had more to say, I'm sure... this wasn't all going to be about Claire... I have made a few real connections, though I wish they were around more. Stacey's really nice, though the time differences make things odd. I haven't seen Elizabeth in a while... I have sorta gotten back in touch with Ms. Emily, though, who I'm currently talking to... She still scares me. A long time ago she and her sister, Becky, went to Highschool with me, and I rather had affections for her... I can't help but feel like they (her family generally) have standards to which I can't measure up... It is really nice to talk to her again, though...
Anyways, it's been about an hour sitting and writing this up, so I should really go and do something constructive. -laughs- I still need to write a general post, or else those not in this Security Group will think I've died or something...
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Date: 2003-07-10 05:35 pm (UTC)