Little Rejections

[jackofallgeeks]

Argh!
I just can't stand it sometimes! I just feel so... I get like... It's just not fair.
Tired calling Claire last night, just t'hear her voice and say 'hi' and stuff, but there was no answer.
But I was cool with that. I've been doing REALLY well as of late, and I just figured I'd either call her today or just leaver her a message at the Office.

So I'm cooking Spaghetti for lunch today, and I come up here just t'check things, and of all people, Claire's on AIM.
So I IM her and we chat real quick in passing -- she told me how the payphones at camp aren't working, and that she's back for the day, and she asks me how I've been and all. Then she had t'run off t'get some things done, and I was cooking/starving anyways, so we parted ways...

And I just feel so... I find myself thinking that I just want to yell out "Notice me! Love me! Please!" And I can't help but feel like I'm only 'second best.' That if I'm in her thoughts at all, it's only in passing, and that there's a hundred other things that... are more important to her... That's it, I feel unimportant, and I can't stand it.
And I can't stand that I can't stand it. I want to be OK with this, but I want to be back with her. I want to be able to find someone else to... to be with, but I want to be with her!
I want to tell her all of this, tell her EVERYTHING, but I'm scared that she wouldn't want to hear it... or that she'd get upset with me for not being able to have a little faith... or...
I know she wouldn't. If I could just talk to her, I'm sure I would believe that I know.
But I can't, and I don't, and I...

And I think I'm going to go watch a movie...
My spaghetti's all sticking together in a lump...

...
No, I haven't posted this yet.
Yes, I'm trying to decide if I should leave it open to her.
It wouldn't be the first time...
I want her to read it, anyways...
Though, I think odds are she won't read it today, and if not, then likely never.
The choice feels like a razor drawn down my arm.

I'm not strong. I wish I was. I need you.

Comments

[ex-orin917.livejournal.com]

I'm not you, but I came out of a similar experience a while back. I let feelings and thoughts like that bottle up inside me. It hurt so much every time she innocently treated me as just a friend. The situation was somewhat different to yours, but there's relevance. Every little rejection is a gash. You think you're okay, but they add up. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I laid it all in front of her. Everything. She didn't like it. In fact she told me she couldn't love me. But y'know... the thing was that I had to know. I had to erase the hope, because it was driving me nuts. We're still friends. The difference is I managed to accept it.

Just my 2 cents.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know what you're saying... I've been there (or is it Here) before, myself. This situation is a little different, but the whole 'holding it in till it tears you apart' thing still applies.
And it's not even so much that we're 'just friends' that's bothering me, either... -shrugs- I donno, though, y'know?

Anyways, i'm actually in the process of opening up older posts to you, incase you were so inclined. I end up doing so everytime I add a new friend, I really need a better way to work this...

[ex-orin917.livejournal.com]

*ponders* Can't you make a friend group for it? I have one for more sensitive posts, although I hardly ever use it anymore.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

-laughs- Yeah, I can, but I haven't. I'm doing so 'spring cleaning' of my LiveJournal, and I'm going to change around the groups, but as it has been, each Friend has their own group, so that I have masterful control over who can and who can't read my posts. Of course, I never use that control, so I think I'm just going to make 'security levels' to protect the more sensitive posts... But, that means changing all the access on my old posts, so it may take a bit.

I had a similar problem, of sorts, when I wanted to change my usericons and I was using non-standard names. Having an icon of Vash titled 'Gendo' just seems silly to me...