jackofallgeeks | Another Lonely Night

I should be sleeping right now. I have to go to work t'morrow, and the morning is going to come far sooner than I would like. But, it's been a long while since I 'really' posted, and I'm afraid people will lose interest. Ha, and to think that when I started this I was afraid someone would read. Now I just don't want anyone to leave...

You'll pardon the mood, I'm a little bit down right now. Most of you know the general situation, and for those who don't... Well, I don't want to go there right now, really. I never seem to shut up about it, but that may just be me... I've been doing so well with it, too. S'why I haven't posted, because I haven't needed to; because I've been content, and happy, and well.

Right now, I miss her...
-shakes head- Let me try to get to the point. My friend, Stacey, (who I fear I don't interact near enough with anymore, and that saddens me) put up a post tonight that just strikes a cord with me, and resonates... It doesn't just echo what I feel now, lost and lonely in a silent night far from anyone; it echoes how I always feel, in the chill August evenings and the rainy May afternoons, and sitting on a hill in late february, watching a purple and pink sunset drift below the horizon...

Me thinks it has been far too long since I wrote -- I'm sounding much more poetic this evening...

"I know this is just because I am tired. When I'm tired, i get sad. When I'm tired and sad, I get lonely.
Or vice versa."
Anyone who's listened to me long enough knows that I fall into the same spiral. Sometimes I wonder if we all do. I don't know what it is about being tired... maybe the mind simply wanders to places where, were we a bit more in control, we wouldn't let it drift. I know that for years I have understood that being up late loosens my lips, and one lady among the crowd has been subject to many a late-night/early-morning talk, where I said all the things I wanted to, but "couldn't." I scare easily, given the right circumstances, and I'm always afraid that what I need to say is what others don't want to hear. Or something like that.

"I like being a source of comfort. I like feeling needed."
I can't emphasize this enough. There are just no words that I know of the express what I want to say here. I want to be the guy everyone can count on. I want to be the one you can go to when you need a place to crash, or a ride to the airport, or even just someone to BE there when no one else is. It's not so much that I feel unfulfilled without it, but that I feel fulfilled WITH it. Like, I don't know, I've been a real friend for someone... I was there when they needed me, and i'll be there again, and they know it... It's a sad feeling to think "Yes, I would do it -- but no one listens, no one believes." Or worse yet, "No one cares."

Again, pardon the mood. I'm not as bad now as I sound -- I'm actually in a pretty good mood. My computer's coming along nicely and, God willing, should be all set and running in a day or two. I've been really content with where I am, and who I am, and just doing well all around.
Unfortunately, there wasn't much need to post about any of that. Who needs an outlet when there's nothing being held back?

"I don't really want to date anymore. I want my next relationship to last."
I decided this -- all of what she said -- years ago. It was after I had just been with Nancy. I'd seen "it all," people hooking up and breaking up, the drama, the issues, the broken friendships - the broken friends. I decided it wasn't worth it, to ruin yourself and others in what seemed like the stupidest, most fake sort of peer-interaction in the world. You meet someone who shares your interests (or not, depending) pretend to be someone you aren't, imagine them to be who you wish they were, and then everyone gets burned when the masks crack and the lights go up. I decided that I didn't want t'go through that, I didn't want to put anyone else through it, and... -shrugs- I was single for years after making that decision. I like to imagine that I didn't break my vow lightly, that I knew what I was doing, and I had every intent behind it...

-saddens- Either way, looks like it's Strike One, huh?

"It makes me sad that I lie in bed at night and think to myself
that there is no one out there who is thinking of me back."
This is the sharpest note, the one that cuts the deepest, and the one that echoes my exact words not but four days ago. The world is a cold place indeed when you feel that no one cares... My brother, though, pointed something out which should have been obvious. That is, I imagine that not all of the ladies I'm interested in know it. That being the case, it only follows that there's a possibility that someone, somewhere, has undisclosed affections for me. In a way, it's a hollow hope that rings flat of the cold grey walls. And yet, at the same time, it's a small spot of warmth.

I don't think anyone is ever as alone as they believe.