Chains of Gold

[jackofallgeeks]

I don't think I've posted anything of real value here recently...
Maybe my laments over Prom...

My parents questioned me this morning.
See, last night at dinner I told them that I was going down this Sunday evening to see Claire.
This means that I'm going to be missing a Family Get-Together, which I'm loathe to do.
But I told them I knew that, and the issue passed, the rest of dinner going as usual.

This morning I got up for work, which is the way things run.
Went downstairs and made my lunch and got breakfast...
As things were stretching on before time to leave, my mom asked me:

"So, if you and Claire have decided you have irreconcilable differences as concerns marriage, why are you still Seeing each other?"
The capital-S was strongly present.
"Because we haven't decided they're irreconcilable." I mumbled.
Correction, I haven't decided such. She may well be past that by now...
"You're not going to compromise your values, are you?"

The echoes of that are still ringing in my ears. No, of course not. I can't compromise who I am.
But the issue is that Elizabeth and I had been talking just the other night, and I said "Everyone makes compromises. It's just a matter of decided which things you can't let go."
I can physically feel it pulling at my bones.

The thing is, it's not a matter of how much I love her. We didn't break up because my affections or hers were brought into question. It wasn't so cut and dry as "I don't like you" or anything else so juvenile. The issue was in me. I can't but be a Catholic, and if Claire doesn't want a Catholic man...

I could be happy together with Claire if, and that's not fair to her.
I don't know... I want to be near to her, but I don't want to open old wounds...
Though, maybe I'm the only one who's going to be hurt...

Comments

Look into my eyes and it's easy to see: One and one make two, two and one make three...

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

"She obviously cares for you, but if you aren't going to be a major part of her life, what business have you to hold her back from living it?"

Interesting note -- you an Elizabeth, who have only known me since my break-up and have never really known Claire much at all have both said as much -- that is, 'she obviously cares for you.'

But that's not the point. I don't WANT to hold her back. Even if I were 'with' her... Does it not make any sense that I could be there for her, and support her, and be 'with' with out, to be blunt, worrying about her seeing other guys? My goal is not to pull someone down and make them, in some odd sense, 'mine.' I just want a mutual parter, who I can support as well as someone who will support me.

"It sounds like you've made your mind up but won't admit it to yourself."

At the same time, you're right to say this. I don't want to admit it to myself. I think that's the pull in my bones when ever I sit down and think about it rationally. I do my best thinking rationally, really. I don't want to give up on 'us,' because I like what we were, and I like what I imagine we could be. Maybe I have a tendency to live in the past -- hell, I'll tell you straight that I'm a traditionalist -- but I know I was happy, and I liked it.

I think though, really, that I just want to move on, but I don't want to be alone. And argue all you want about how I have great friends -- and I do -- but we all know that's not the Alone I mean. I don't know, maybe the difference is purely academic, but... -shrugs-

Anyone out there know any nice Catholic girls?

[thismortalquill.livejournal.com]

You are driving yourself to be more Alone than you would be if you let it go. You aren't actually not Alone with your attatchment to Claire. If anything, it accentuates your Aloneness. Hugely.

If it helps, I'm fighting the same thing. I'm not getting what I want/need from my relationship with Quetzalcoatl, but I don't want to end it. I don't want to be Alone. And if I end it, I will be truly alone, because he is, I believe, my only friend here. And he is a good friend. Just not a good partner.