These days, when I say I'm tired I think I mean 'sad.'

So this morning I find myself overcome with dysphoria. It started building after Liz's wedding, I guess, and relented a little while I was babysitting my sister's kids, but this morning I just feel defeated. Like I'll never accomplish anything; I won't be able to write my novel, I'll struggle in my graduate studies, I'll only ever be a mediocre employee working at a job I can tolerate, I'll never find a girl or get married or have a family.

The weekend itself was good, though, really.

( The Trip )

( The Wedding )

( The Kids )

Driving home last night, the Bridge I needed to cross was closed for upwards of 30 minutes. And this morning I had to backtrack and take the long way into work because the tunnel into Portsmouth was closed. And I'm feeling a bit better now, but still rather depressed. Roughly two hours before I take my lunch, and then another four hours before I can go home. And I have to tell Jeff that I won't be in town this weekend, again, and we'll have to get together some other time. Which sucks, but I'd forgotten that this weekend i'm going to the Navy game with dad, and I can't call out of that. Even if I convinced myself that I have things I need to take care of down here, backing out on seeing my family would make me really depressed.

It was a nice idea at the time.

So in a couple months I'm moving back to California. I'm planning to be rooming with Steve again, hopefully back at Del Monte, but none of that can be sorted out until it gets closer to move-in time. So I don't yet have a solid destination which makes me uncomfortable, but I'm OK with it. I kind of know the area, I have friends back there, and while walking-distance would be preferable, I have a car (and a bike), so it's not as necessary as it had been.

My plan, though, had been to grab a few friends, split the price of a U-Haul, and roatrip out there. the cost of a U-Haul plus a flight home for everyone but me would run, I estimated, between $500-$700 a piece, mostly depending on flights. Add on the cost of food and hotels (I could eat the gas myself) and it starts looking like an expensive week-long trip, but still worth it (I think). It would be a fun twentysomething roadtrip across the country with good company and music, and allow me to get all my stuff (including my desk and couch and maybe even my bed) out to California with me.

I just checked U-Haul's website and got my price suspitions (mostly) confirmed. Unfortunately, my car doesn't have a trailer hitch, and though U-haul apparently offers a service to install one, I don't think I'm really interested in having a permanent hitch on my car. To make matters worse, I checked the posibility of renting a truck and towing my car behind that only to find that a Jetta has such low clearance underneath that they don't fit on the equipment that U-Haul has to tow cars.

So I can't take all my stuff in my car. And I can't hitch a trailer to her. And I can't hitch her to a truck. So I'm either leaving my stuff or my car, and either way the roadtripping seems less and less plausible.

Which I think would make me pretty sad if I weren't already in a mood. So that's a good thing(?), I guess.