As the blood runs red down the needle and thread...

I talked with Amber earlier today, and in the course of explaining why it was that I felt sad today I mentioned that I was lonely, the Internet had been quiet, and certain people I'd like to talk to just weren't talking. She asked if there was anyone inparticular who I wanted to talk to and I said "Mary, Becky, Emily, Meghan, Suzannah, Jean... you might add Dorothy, but I'm not sure I'd want to speak with her these days." And she asked if I'd had any contact with Suzannah.

Not since August, when she told me not to speak to her again. And I know we've been through this all, and i'm 'better' about it, and i'm sure everyone out there has an opinion of Suzannah appropriate to how they view the situation. And that's all well and good, but... Well, I asked Amber how she would feel if her boyfriend told her, "don't speak to me again," and she said she'd be devastated. And while i'll admit that Amber and her boyfriend are on a higher level than Suzannah and I ever were (even in my own mind)...

The trouble is, I want to get back in touch with her. Because I miss my friend. And I counted her as a good (read: close) friend, and I enjoyed her company and I obviously liked her.

But there's no reconciling any of it. She never gave me a reason or explanation for what was wrong, and all-but told me she wouldn't respond if I wrote to her again. Those were the last words I ever had from her. And part of me wants to write to her and say, "hey, I'm engaged, how's life?" But that isn't likely to happen in the foreseeable future. And part of me wants to write to her and say how much she hurt me; not because it'd be news to her, she knew she was hurting me, but because there's a vindictive part of me that wants her to hurt.

The worst bit is that she left me right before I moved out here, right when I needed friends the most.

(no subject)

I've only known Jenny for two years.
This is a startling revelation.