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Nov. 15th, 2005 05:02 pmI just sent an email to my dad, just to say how much I admire and respect him. -smiles- And now I'm feeling really emotional. And I think I might cry. Which is exactly why I couldn't call him up and say it: because I would have never gotten it out.
I have not know a many who was the equal of, let alone the better to, my father. Everything I am, fundamentally, is because of him. The things that are important to me -- honesty, integrity, family -- are important because they're important to him. His is the model I try to live up to, even when I'm not aware of it. I like to think that I've turned out to be a pretty decent person, and I hope I could do half as good a job with my own kids as he did with his.
Sometimes I feel disappointed in myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm a wretched person, and I'm only getting worse the longer I'm left to my own devices. I'm just like everybody else, self-centered and inconsiderate and... Sometimes I feel really disappointed in myself for not really trying to go to the Academy, and I think my excuse of "I don't want to move anymore," is just that, and excuse, and a flimsy one. I imagine that, had I gone there, I would be more honorable and disciplined, and I'd have a set and clear career path, as opposed to drifting out here, pursuing a Master's program that often makes me feel in *way* over my head, and looking at a vague-at-best career path that doesn't clearly extend much beyond the next two years, at least in part because I'm not sure how much interest I have in it.
I've only ever considered a careers as a means toward the end of supporting and providing for the family I've always wanted. And you all know how discouraging romance has been for me these last few years. And it's hard sometimes. And i know I'm only 22 (23 in about six months), and that is really young, and I'm not even sure I'd really *want* to be married before I was 24 (though I can't say really why I think that), but... Sometimes I just wish I had more-certain footing. It would be nice to at least know a girl that I could see a future with...
I need some tea...
I have not know a many who was the equal of, let alone the better to, my father. Everything I am, fundamentally, is because of him. The things that are important to me -- honesty, integrity, family -- are important because they're important to him. His is the model I try to live up to, even when I'm not aware of it. I like to think that I've turned out to be a pretty decent person, and I hope I could do half as good a job with my own kids as he did with his.
Sometimes I feel disappointed in myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm a wretched person, and I'm only getting worse the longer I'm left to my own devices. I'm just like everybody else, self-centered and inconsiderate and... Sometimes I feel really disappointed in myself for not really trying to go to the Academy, and I think my excuse of "I don't want to move anymore," is just that, and excuse, and a flimsy one. I imagine that, had I gone there, I would be more honorable and disciplined, and I'd have a set and clear career path, as opposed to drifting out here, pursuing a Master's program that often makes me feel in *way* over my head, and looking at a vague-at-best career path that doesn't clearly extend much beyond the next two years, at least in part because I'm not sure how much interest I have in it.
I've only ever considered a careers as a means toward the end of supporting and providing for the family I've always wanted. And you all know how discouraging romance has been for me these last few years. And it's hard sometimes. And i know I'm only 22 (23 in about six months), and that is really young, and I'm not even sure I'd really *want* to be married before I was 24 (though I can't say really why I think that), but... Sometimes I just wish I had more-certain footing. It would be nice to at least know a girl that I could see a future with...
I need some tea...
