(no subject)

Let it be known to the world: I do not enjoy Mayonaise.
Let it further be known that Wendy's Latenight isn't quite as good as Wendy's Midafternoon.
I should have just cooked the spaghetti and been done with it...

Little Rejections

Argh!
I just can't stand it sometimes! I just feel so... I get like... It's just not fair.
Tired calling Claire last night, just t'hear her voice and say 'hi' and stuff, but there was no answer.
But I was cool with that. I've been doing REALLY well as of late, and I just figured I'd either call her today or just leaver her a message at the Office.

So I'm cooking Spaghetti for lunch today, and I come up here just t'check things, and of all people, Claire's on AIM.
So I IM her and we chat real quick in passing -- she told me how the payphones at camp aren't working, and that she's back for the day, and she asks me how I've been and all. Then she had t'run off t'get some things done, and I was cooking/starving anyways, so we parted ways...

And I just feel so... I find myself thinking that I just want to yell out "Notice me! Love me! Please!" And I can't help but feel like I'm only 'second best.' That if I'm in her thoughts at all, it's only in passing, and that there's a hundred other things that... are more important to her... That's it, I feel unimportant, and I can't stand it.
And I can't stand that I can't stand it. I want to be OK with this, but I want to be back with her. I want to be able to find someone else to... to be with, but I want to be with her!
I want to tell her all of this, tell her EVERYTHING, but I'm scared that she wouldn't want to hear it... or that she'd get upset with me for not being able to have a little faith... or...
I know she wouldn't. If I could just talk to her, I'm sure I would believe that I know.
But I can't, and I don't, and I...

And I think I'm going to go watch a movie...
My spaghetti's all sticking together in a lump...

...
No, I haven't posted this yet.
Yes, I'm trying to decide if I should leave it open to her.
It wouldn't be the first time...
I want her to read it, anyways...
Though, I think odds are she won't read it today, and if not, then likely never.
The choice feels like a razor drawn down my arm.

I'm not strong. I wish I was. I need you.