I'm Not Even Supposed to BE Here today!
Jan. 20th, 2002 05:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksUpon returning to your boyhood town, you realize that it wasn't the town you had longed for.
It was your boyhood.
Last night was the long awaited night - the night I saw Emily for the first time in... forever. I approached the night with anticipation in every sense of the word. - uncontained joy and excitement, and cold, starke, gut-wrenching terror.
It was more than could be expected. It was everything and nothing all at once. It was a three hour emotional rollercoaster. it was a summation of our entire relationship, encapsulated in one night.
But I dramatize.
I woke up on Saturday at 7:00am, the earliest I've been awake in nearly a year. I showered , dressed, and got in the car. It was dry the first leg of the trip, snowy the second, and just before getting to Virginia Beach, it turned to rain. How typical.
I visited with Olivia, and we had lunch at, of all places, Chesapeake Bagel Bakery. Not the one I'd worked at, but one none the less. I spent most of the time watching the rain and laughing at Oli, who I don't think quite caught what I found to be so humorous. if Emily ever popped into the conversation, I don't remember, or it was for a short time. Claire, being a mutual friend, did come up. Oli's rather taken a liking to the girl. Can't say I blame her.
I had a The Might Be Giants song stuck in my head all day, something about an Angel, but I don't remember the name. At 2:00 I got to Jen's place, just in time to say "hi" to mom on the phone. She called me "the world-traveller", and I replied by saying "You expected me to stay still after 18-years of moving?" Matt had his friend Joey over. Joey's kinda become a pseudo-lil-brother for me; as much of a punk as he can be, he's pretty cool.
Six o'clock brought dinner at Arby's, and an interesting anecdote consisting of Food Service Stupidity and, literally, two chicken fingers. But that's impertinent to the story at hand.
Between 6:30 and 7:00 we arrived at Ascension, my once-sanctuary. It had not changed at all, and yet was vastly different, as was much on this trip.
Inside I saw Erin, but she didn't see me. I bumped into Sarah Wood and she kinda said Hi - she was busy. Marcus said hi, Becky did likewise as she walked by, and I got to talk some with either of Mr. and Mrs. Croft and quite a bit with Mrs. Wood. I dare say the woman likes me more than her daughter does. Jill turned 11 on Saturday. she's a sweet kid, and it was as good to see her as anyone else.
Seeing the Crofts made me feel better, and each I had seen were happy to see me. I had not yet seen Emily. Katelyn came by and was quite happy to see me, which made me feel better. I always did like Katelyn.
Moving inside I saw Emily and went to say hi. She was talking with a couple friends, and so I was kind of afraid. One friend was telling a story, and just as he finished Emily had to go sing in the choir. But she did give me a hug before leaving.
How I've missed that.
But, I was distanced. Misplaced, disoriented, and confused. As much as everything had remained the same, it was oh so different. The praise music, which they play for half an hour before mass, started. I couldn't take it - I found it hard to breathe.
I excused myself.
On my way out I bumped into Judith and Christin. It was good to see Judith again - an old friend I wasn't afraid of, and it was just, you know, nice to see her. After saying hello, I continued on my way out. into the parking lot. Into the rain.
I called Rachel. I had to call someone, and she was the first who I didn't really "know" what she'd say. I rarely get a chance to talk with Rachel, and maybe I took comfort in that. For once in a long while, I do believe, I made this call to the point. Skrew small talk and chit-chat. I had a problem. My world had changed. I had changed. And I was scared.
I explained it all to Rachel. How I felt out of place, like I didn't belong, and how everything was different. How I wasn't used to dealing with old friends - just new ones and current ones.
"Not how you expected it to be, huh?"
No, it was how I expected it to be. Just how I'd expected it.
I killed half an hour out there, in the cold rain, talking to my cousin. I didn't want to do praise. I didn't feel it. After all - I like breathing.
I did go back for Mass. That's why I was here, wasn't it? I could see Emily, across the room, with the Choir. Everytime I looked at her I died, just a little bit.
Oh but to die a thousand times...
I made it through Mass and went out into the food hall. I don't know what all happened at first, likely a bunch of nothing. But then Jen came over. They wanted to leave in half an hour, and they wanted me to go with them. Thank you, Jen, and thank you, God, for that rush.
Because of it, I centered my nerve; I sought out Emily.
I had to talk to her, you see, or the entire weekend would have been a waste. So I found her.
And we talked.
We talked about all the little things that I so desperately wanted to ask her. How have you been? What have you been up to? How's school? THREE schools?!
Emily is currently doing Homeschool, YMV (our band-school thing) and college courses at TCC. when she says she's loaded down, she means it. She says she's looking to go to a college in Hawaii, cause she can get a full scholarship on her music. I think she just wants to get far away from home. ^_^ She says she's not sure what she wants to take, but she's talked about doing architecture. I made a comment about her math skills, and he got a look on her face and turned to walk away, but I laughed and pulled her back with my arm around the front of her shoulders. How I wanted to wrap her in my arms...
She apologized for never talking online - she's never on for more than a few moments, but she said she would read e-mail if I sent it to her. Oh how I've missed talking with her - I may take her up on it.
Becky said similar things, when I talked with her. I've always liked Becky, it would be nice to get to know her better.
And with that the curtain falls and the play ends.
But there is another piece of the story to tell.
And Joey was the punk to start it.
By all rights, I should eviscerate Joey and strangle him with his own entrails. But let me explain. You see, Joey started talking about "the girl I was talking with." I didn't appreciate it. In certain circumstances I'm sure I can be a jealous man, but there's more to this. At first I thought he was talking about her, uhm, "face" (yes, Leslie, those) but it turned out he was referring to her, uhm, other end. In either case, Emily's above that, and it just ticked me off that he would so much as think about her in that way.
A few quick jabs to the side, shoulder, arm, and him expressed my displeasure.
The conclusion for this night? I'm happy. Emily must still consider me a friend. I can't even imagine her being two-faced enough to have a friendly conversation with me like that, and yet wish I weren't there. And if we're still friends, then I haven't lost anything. As different as everything is, it's all very much the same.
And the stasis of change is comforting.
"I've never seen that same moon. I've never tried."
It was your boyhood.
Last night was the long awaited night - the night I saw Emily for the first time in... forever. I approached the night with anticipation in every sense of the word. - uncontained joy and excitement, and cold, starke, gut-wrenching terror.
It was more than could be expected. It was everything and nothing all at once. It was a three hour emotional rollercoaster. it was a summation of our entire relationship, encapsulated in one night.
But I dramatize.
I woke up on Saturday at 7:00am, the earliest I've been awake in nearly a year. I showered , dressed, and got in the car. It was dry the first leg of the trip, snowy the second, and just before getting to Virginia Beach, it turned to rain. How typical.
I visited with Olivia, and we had lunch at, of all places, Chesapeake Bagel Bakery. Not the one I'd worked at, but one none the less. I spent most of the time watching the rain and laughing at Oli, who I don't think quite caught what I found to be so humorous. if Emily ever popped into the conversation, I don't remember, or it was for a short time. Claire, being a mutual friend, did come up. Oli's rather taken a liking to the girl. Can't say I blame her.
I had a The Might Be Giants song stuck in my head all day, something about an Angel, but I don't remember the name. At 2:00 I got to Jen's place, just in time to say "hi" to mom on the phone. She called me "the world-traveller", and I replied by saying "You expected me to stay still after 18-years of moving?" Matt had his friend Joey over. Joey's kinda become a pseudo-lil-brother for me; as much of a punk as he can be, he's pretty cool.
Six o'clock brought dinner at Arby's, and an interesting anecdote consisting of Food Service Stupidity and, literally, two chicken fingers. But that's impertinent to the story at hand.
Between 6:30 and 7:00 we arrived at Ascension, my once-sanctuary. It had not changed at all, and yet was vastly different, as was much on this trip.
Inside I saw Erin, but she didn't see me. I bumped into Sarah Wood and she kinda said Hi - she was busy. Marcus said hi, Becky did likewise as she walked by, and I got to talk some with either of Mr. and Mrs. Croft and quite a bit with Mrs. Wood. I dare say the woman likes me more than her daughter does. Jill turned 11 on Saturday. she's a sweet kid, and it was as good to see her as anyone else.
Seeing the Crofts made me feel better, and each I had seen were happy to see me. I had not yet seen Emily. Katelyn came by and was quite happy to see me, which made me feel better. I always did like Katelyn.
Moving inside I saw Emily and went to say hi. She was talking with a couple friends, and so I was kind of afraid. One friend was telling a story, and just as he finished Emily had to go sing in the choir. But she did give me a hug before leaving.
How I've missed that.
But, I was distanced. Misplaced, disoriented, and confused. As much as everything had remained the same, it was oh so different. The praise music, which they play for half an hour before mass, started. I couldn't take it - I found it hard to breathe.
I excused myself.
On my way out I bumped into Judith and Christin. It was good to see Judith again - an old friend I wasn't afraid of, and it was just, you know, nice to see her. After saying hello, I continued on my way out. into the parking lot. Into the rain.
I called Rachel. I had to call someone, and she was the first who I didn't really "know" what she'd say. I rarely get a chance to talk with Rachel, and maybe I took comfort in that. For once in a long while, I do believe, I made this call to the point. Skrew small talk and chit-chat. I had a problem. My world had changed. I had changed. And I was scared.
I explained it all to Rachel. How I felt out of place, like I didn't belong, and how everything was different. How I wasn't used to dealing with old friends - just new ones and current ones.
"Not how you expected it to be, huh?"
No, it was how I expected it to be. Just how I'd expected it.
I killed half an hour out there, in the cold rain, talking to my cousin. I didn't want to do praise. I didn't feel it. After all - I like breathing.
I did go back for Mass. That's why I was here, wasn't it? I could see Emily, across the room, with the Choir. Everytime I looked at her I died, just a little bit.
Oh but to die a thousand times...
I made it through Mass and went out into the food hall. I don't know what all happened at first, likely a bunch of nothing. But then Jen came over. They wanted to leave in half an hour, and they wanted me to go with them. Thank you, Jen, and thank you, God, for that rush.
Because of it, I centered my nerve; I sought out Emily.
I had to talk to her, you see, or the entire weekend would have been a waste. So I found her.
And we talked.
We talked about all the little things that I so desperately wanted to ask her. How have you been? What have you been up to? How's school? THREE schools?!
Emily is currently doing Homeschool, YMV (our band-school thing) and college courses at TCC. when she says she's loaded down, she means it. She says she's looking to go to a college in Hawaii, cause she can get a full scholarship on her music. I think she just wants to get far away from home. ^_^ She says she's not sure what she wants to take, but she's talked about doing architecture. I made a comment about her math skills, and he got a look on her face and turned to walk away, but I laughed and pulled her back with my arm around the front of her shoulders. How I wanted to wrap her in my arms...
She apologized for never talking online - she's never on for more than a few moments, but she said she would read e-mail if I sent it to her. Oh how I've missed talking with her - I may take her up on it.
Becky said similar things, when I talked with her. I've always liked Becky, it would be nice to get to know her better.
And with that the curtain falls and the play ends.
But there is another piece of the story to tell.
And Joey was the punk to start it.
By all rights, I should eviscerate Joey and strangle him with his own entrails. But let me explain. You see, Joey started talking about "the girl I was talking with." I didn't appreciate it. In certain circumstances I'm sure I can be a jealous man, but there's more to this. At first I thought he was talking about her, uhm, "face" (yes, Leslie, those) but it turned out he was referring to her, uhm, other end. In either case, Emily's above that, and it just ticked me off that he would so much as think about her in that way.
A few quick jabs to the side, shoulder, arm, and him expressed my displeasure.
The conclusion for this night? I'm happy. Emily must still consider me a friend. I can't even imagine her being two-faced enough to have a friendly conversation with me like that, and yet wish I weren't there. And if we're still friends, then I haven't lost anything. As different as everything is, it's all very much the same.
And the stasis of change is comforting.
"I've never seen that same moon. I've never tried."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-01-21 07:07 am (UTC)Good on ya for defending Emily's integrity. Chivalry isn't dead so long as you're alive.