...Two Steps Back.

[jackofallgeeks]

I've been doing alot of thinking these past few days. More thinking than I consider healthy, I might joke. It seems to me that a number of people in my Circle have been losing touch with who they are. To an extent, I think I fit that category, too. When I was at Leslie's this weekend... For one, I didn't feel like me. or rather, I did, but it wasn't the me I am, nor the me I want to become -- it was rather as though I were the me I might have become, if things had been different. If I weren't as Faithful... I said things I wouldn't normally have said, acted in ways I wouldn't normally have behaved... For a great deal of the weekend I was me, and though I like to imagine my friends know me well enough to see the subtlties, I'm not sure any of the other three felt the difference. I did, and I didn't like it very much.

I also thought alot about girls... Claire, Amanda, and the other ladies who have found a spot in my mind. It's.. hard to say. I don't know what I want. I want someone to be there, but I don't want to get into a relationship like that just because I'm lonely. I don't even know what to do with myself... I mean, I've always wanted a family, and now... I still want a family, but I'm thinking maybe I want to be Single for a while... But I don't want to be alone, either. I don't like being alone...

I'm looking forward to next year, when i'll have a few established friends nearby at College Park. Not that i don't have friends here, and not that i'm not developing stonger ties to those I have here -- but my best CUA friend, Aaron, graduates this year, and it'll be nice to have friends nearby who... well, who I feel close too already, as it is....

I also don't know where I'm heading right now... I mean, I've always had some kind of direction -- I've always been a student, I've alwys known what I wanted... But now I look to the future and I think 'What is going to make me get up in the morning? What will my purpose be? To support myself? that's not grant task, no mighty goal, to feed oneself and pay the rent...' It feels so empty and void... What am I to do with myself...?

I don't know, I'm just really tired right now, and I think I've lost my train of thought....

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you felt out of touch with yourself over the weekend. I have more to say, I'm sure, but right now, I can't find a way to put any of my thoughts into writing. I guess all I can say is, I hope you start feeling more "right" soon. And I understand about feeling the way you do in the latter half of the post.

Now, I, Queen of Worthless Comments, will trot off to be Meaningless elsewhere.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Only meaningless in your own mind.

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

I think we all feel like that sometimes, and this weekend definatly made everyone involved feel a little odd at one point or another. I also think that the seasons changing have something to do with it. Its like winter makes us depressed, spring makes up happy, but when we are changing into spring, we have to remind ourselves of what makes us happy and how we are going to grow and move forward with nature. I don't think thats quite what I meant to say, but it would take longer to explain what I am thinking and feeling right now, and I would rather not. Anyway, the important thing is, when we have moments where we feel like someone else, we usually are, and we have to decide whether or not we like the other person, and if we should learn from them.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I like your theory, that the psychic adjustment is a result of the shift in attitudes between Winter and Spring. I also like the concept of deciding if you like the person who you felt you were, and whether there's anything to be learned from them.
In an abstact way, it's quite interesting.