Gloom

[jackofallgeeks]

My Dearest Claire,

It's been about six months now. Do you ever think of me? I still think about you. Most of the eight-hour trip home tonight was spent thinking about you. I suppose that happens when one grabs a Country CD instead of the Savatage they had expected.

This letter isn't meant to be a lamentation. It's a confession.
I'm content with the way things are. I can't tell you what it means to me that you and I are still friends, after all the horrible break-ups I've seen, both first- and second-hand. My confession is simple, almost obvious. I still haven't given up on 'us.' We haven't been together for six months now, and I still... I don't know. I'm not even sure really what I want anymore. I had had everything organized before August came around. I knew my priorities, I knew where I wanted to be in five years, and ten, and twenty...

Now I don't know anything. I don't know what I want to do, or how I want to do it, or anything. I don't know if I want a relationship or if I like the Single-life -- it's not like I haven't spent most of my life single anyways. But everything I though I knew... I know I was happy with you, and I know I want to be happy again.

I don't know how things can be different. I want them to be, but the block we hit was a sturdy one. I think I may have found the hints of a fracture, but only if you were still interested. No matter what I do, it doesn't matter if you don't want me. As it is, though, we're just friends. And I can live with that, I think. I would rather be tormented and have you near than to remove this burden and see you walk away.

Maybe one day you'll read this.

-Andrew


What it comes down to is that I chose my Faith over the woman I love.
I still haven't decided what this says about me.

Comments

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

I still haven't decided what this says about me.

Do you want to know the truth?

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

One may argue that knowing the truth is always of great import.
One may also argue that certain situations are too subjective to be labeled with truth.
But, one might finally conclude that I'd be interested in the thoughts of others, else-wise the Comments function would have been disabled, don't you think?

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I wish I could decide in my own mind what it says about you...I don't agree about the lines being drawn so firmly between Catholicism and Protestantism, so that makes it extremely difficult. I can't judge you on all this.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I agree as far as the lines being not so firm, which is where my new-found self-doubt originates. But even at that, anything I decide or figure out it worthless if she's no longer interested herself.

-shrugs- I'm not looking for judgment, or even really for others opinions on what i did, what I didn't do, or what kind of a person this makes me. I'll decide that for myself eventually, I suppose.

This was really only meant to express... some facet of me which I don't think gets shown, or at least not in the right light. -shrugs- That and as a preliminary run to see if and what I want to tell Claire, should the occasion arise.
Or something.