The Girl

[jackofallgeeks]

She lay on her back beneath the thick oak tree on the green hillside. The sky was clear, blue, and cloudless, sharp with the chill of early winter. The sunlight warmed her face as she stared up into the vast ceiling above her, arms outstretched on the soft grass. A butterfly floated near and alighted on her finger, working it's wings slowly. She did not move. The sun slid down the domed sky, dying the world in shades of purple as it fell behind the horizon. She lay there, staring up at the deep hollow sky, unmoving, unseeing, as the stars one by one went out.

---

Alternate Ending:
The sun slid down the domed sky, dying the world in shades of purple as it fell behind the horizon. She lay there, staring up at the deep hollow sky, unmoving, unseeing.
A corpse.

This was the original ending of the snippet, and is still the ultimate intent of the passage. However, I thought it to be crude and rough-edged. I like the figurative slap-in-the-face that it gives you, perhaps, but thought it might be better to let the reader try and discover the truth for herself.

Might I ask for opinions?

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I rather like the first ending given, but that's because I tend to prefer that which does not slap you in the face, but which forces the reader to involve himself with the story intimately, and figure out what is going on for himself. I also believe that the gentle can be the more powerful. A punch to your face can bloody your nose, but an light, airy word from a lover can rend your soul.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I would tend to agree - which is why I made the change. I wanted the reader to be sitting there, reading, and have it slowly dawn on them that the situation is not as it seems. I like that, when something turns out to be otherwise than what you expect. However, I was afraid that perhapse my words did not convey my original intend - that is, that this girl is dead. If that simple point were not readily apparent, then I would surely have failed.

I am also a firm believer that while the subtle can be profound, a sudden shift in paradigm can be just as enlightening. Thus, if the case were that my point wasn't made, the sudden slap in the face would produce the same intended result.

Josh has since informed me that the first piece does what I wanted it to do. Would you agree?

[(Anonymous)]

I would agree. I def. like the first ending better. Sometimes blunt and sharp is good in visual snippets like this... and sometimes all you need is the idea to come across. i think this falls under the latter.

i really have enjoyed reading your writing, andrew. it's always nice when people share those kinds of things, you know? so... thank you.

(gahhhhh... i sound so nasty 'cause i'm sick. i hope a little of this made sense. i think my stuffed up sinus is cutting into my brain... X___X ... )

oh yes. in case i don't get the chance to later:

merry christmas.

-mel

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Hey, nice hearing from you, Mel. ^__^
Your opinion is much appreciated -- as I'd said, all I was trying to do is get the idea across, but I'm afraid that my intent wasn't comming through. I suppose I either (a) undersetimate my own ability to write or (2) underestimate the audience's ability to grasp what I'm aiming for.
In either case, I'm glad you've enjoyed reading them -- I've enjoyed writing them.
And merry Christmas to you, too. ^__^

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I believe so. I think it's better altogether.