Searching for Criticism

[jackofallgeeks]

I enjoy writing, but I fear I'm not very good at it.
At the very least, the inspiration only hits me at times.

This is an older composition of mine - I probably wroite this incarnation about a year ago, but it's yet another 'piece' of a storyline I've had floating around my skull since the 7th grade. I've been able to peg down a number of places I want to take the story (most of which exist only in notes) but I have trouble with actually getting the story there. I've written and re-written the opening scene half a dozen times. Each time, it's a little bit different, but some basic themes remain.

ANYWAYS, this incarnation I found when opening up MSWorks to write my paper, and I thought I'd post it up here. What I'm looking for is actually two-fold: First, if anything in particular strikes you, something you like or something you think works well, let me know. Secondly, if you have any ideas as to how I could make this piece better, I'd like to hear it. I've been told that I can be dry and narrative, and that I also have a tendancy to sound forced in my descriptions; the latter of the two I'm quite at a loss as to remedying it.

Oh, you can also feel free to just read it, if that's your thing, but any comments (even 'WaHah, keh keh keh') are more than welcome.
...and i'll try to remember none of this is personal...


<td>The land groaned with remembered agony. Blue lightning split the sky, which was a churning mass of sickly, green-gray clouds. The air smelled of smoke and blood, and the fields still smoldered. The ground was split and broken, the vegetation was burned away and the soil underneath fused into large slabs. Green and blue lights danced in the skies, an eerie display, but neither sun nor moon could be found. The farm house lay in ruins. Beams and boards split, it lay in a massive heap, surrounded by destruction as far as the horizon. The terrain was featureless in it's desolation, everything reduced to charred masses. Here and there, a tree remained standing after the carnage, twisted and torn in its own right, blackened and lifeless. He had managed to crawl out of the collapsed building. Pain shot through his right arm as he dragged himself across the ground with his left, tears streaming down his face. The tears and warm, smoking air blowing around him caused his scrapes and cuts to sing in sharp notes of pain. He sat up against a wooden board that had been stuck into the black earth. His shirt was torn to rags, and his pants were in little better condition. Sitting there, he could do little but cry for long minutes. He wiped the tears off his face with the back of his dirt-covered hand. His right arm was unresponsive - pain shot through it when he looked at the large gash down the side. There was pain again as he staggered up to his feet. Only one of his leather sandals was still intact as he took his first dizzying steps. Somewhere in the collapse of the house, the straps had broken on his left one, and he walked shakily on, grasping his right arm as he went. He passed a broken, blackened tree. Only a few hours ago that dead wood had been vibrantly green and brown. It would've been one of the fruit trees, he thought. His eyes watering from the smoky air, he took another few shaky steps, towards the distant forest on the horizon.</td>

Comments

[naughtjennifer.livejournal.com]

It doesn't really seem significantly changed from it's previous incarnation, but the guy seems a bit younger . . .

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Yes, well, I SAID it wasn't significantly altered, and though you make quite an assumption when you take this boy is the same character you one met before...

Whether or not he's younger than you remember him depends on which version of the tale you last saw. I've actually tried writing it from different spots in the story, and I'm not sure which point works best. From what I recall, though (especially if you remember a farm scene), this boy is roughly the same age as when you last saw him.

[naughtjennifer.livejournal.com]

You said he was seven, but he seemed in his 30s.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

You have pointed to a flaw in an earlier work, the fact that my 7-year old was not believable. Thank you. I should ask whether I may assume, by your comment, that I've improved the believability of my character in this work?

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

I have to agree, he seems to be young, but mature. Would a seven year old be moving if he was that injured?

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I like to think shock can have an interesting effect on people.
-Smacks Louis around a bit-
(Yeah, that would EVER happen in Real Life...)
Don't question me.
Or if you do, at least offer a useful solution.

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

okay okay, you're right, offer a solution, but you wanted cirticism!
Okay now you have to remember that I havn't read all of you notes, so I have no idea where this story is going.

• You mentioned that the story will take place over an extened amount of time, maybe make him older at this point if possible?
• I got the impression that this was the beggining of the story, if it isn't, have something before this showing that the sveen year old is abnormally strong or mature, you don't have to say why, just suggest it.
• Don't put as much emphasis on the details of the pain. The physical pain you describe suggests a stronger mentality to deal with it.
• Show that the character is mentally effected as well. A child in that condition can't be fiully aware, especially if he is in that much pain. Don't make it seem like he knows where he is going. Elaborate more on the fruit tree. Don't have him think that it could have been a fruit tree, show him remembering it.

Those are just some suggestions. but remember its your writing and not anyone else's, so if you like it than it should stick.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Criticism without solutions is like...
Skrew it, it's not good, s'all.  ^_^;;

Hmmm, older kind of works and kind of doesn't. See, they key is he's not supposed to remember a good deal of what happens, though I'm thinking more and more he could have just blocked it out. His age at the beginning of the story and then respectively as the action moves on makes an impact on character interactions.

The other two kind of tie in. I suppose maybe I should tone down my emphasis in places. At the same time, I haven't gotten much into character development yet. I suppose, however, emphasizing both the fact that he's mentally shaken up, and in emotional turmoil, before we start him on his way might be worth while. I'm rather at a loss as to how, exactly, to show that.

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

"Skrew it, it's not good, s'all. ^_^;;"

Thats bullshit with a capital F.

I thought it was realy good. er um, until I found out he was 7.... then I think it lost me

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

LOL
I was refering to 'criticism without a solution' not my writing.
Saying 'It's bad' doesn't do anything, while saying 'It coule be better, see?' accomplishes something. In my comment, those first two lines are supoosed to go together. I call it 'humor.'

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I dunno - if I were seven, even if I were injured, I'd sure as hell want to know what had just happened. Children are curious beasties, even if they're wounded. Anyway, I know that when I was that age and I got hurt, I'd want to find an adult to fix whatever was wrong with me, so I'd get up and look around for one, even if I was in pain.

Maybe that's just me, though. Maybe I was an abnormal child.

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

no I think thats the most normal thing anyonehas said so far actually... (no offense)

I think you're right though, he would be more likely to look for an adult. The setting implys that there has been massive destruction though, which could mean they are all dead....

Anyway, I think thats a good insight, not many of can remember how we thought when we were seven. good for leslie!

[surichan.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes, I've read this one before! And I'm probably going to say the same things. I like your descriptiveness. I'm very fond of seeing things in my head when I read, and reading this, I can do just that.

Other than that...I'm sorry, I'm a remarkably ineffectual critic. I think it's quite good. My interest is piqued - I'd like to find out what happened to this "him" and the land around him. I've been wondering since you first let me read this. I hope one day you'll write more on it.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

No, no, I need someone who will shower me with praises and find nothing wrong with my work, now and again. Granted, it's not as critically useful for improving my work, but it helps delude me long enough that I continue writing. ^_^

I, too, enjoy descriptiveness, as though you couldn't tell. My fear is that I may tell too much and not show enough, or maybe I just show too much and bog things down with detail. I don't know.

I actually HAVE written more to this story - in my head if nowhere else, and I have a file of notes written, which have major points where I would like to take the story. 'He,' I would like to imagine, is a Tragic hero, perhapse one you would enjoy, and I plan to take him through a great spectrum of moral alignments, from childhood on through adulthood, and mayhapse further yet. I once toyed with the idea of starting the story with him as an aged old man - quite the other side of the story from where we are now. I hope, as well, that I get more written. I'm more than half-serious when I said I'd like this to see print one day.

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

"I may tell too much and not show enough"

I find that altering your amount of dialouges can help this. have characters talk can 'show' stuff. Or it can 'tell' stuff. it all depends on what they say. Look at the slaughter hourse fiv by Kurt vonnegut (sp?). great book. didn't 'tell' the reader anything.

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

"I've written and re-written the opening scene half a dozen times"
there's you problem! why ar eyou starting at the begininng? where's the fun in that? when was the last timeyou read a book and thogh 'wow that was a great begining'? start with the parts that you know you want to write, and fill in the rest later.

"I also have a tendancy to sound forced in my descriptions"
This comes down to weather or not you like to write descriptions. if you don't like to write them, don't. leave it. if you do, try to be more focused and use more images.

"I've been told that I can be dry and narrative,"
so is every other 'classic' writer.

-----reads entry-----
so what happens?!! now you gotta finish it! damn you! you brought this one on yourself!

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

"...start with the parts that you know you want to write"..."
You misunderstand - this IS one of the parts I want to write. I just can't seem to get it right.

"...so what happens?!! now you gotta finish it! damn you! you brought this one on yourself!..."
Well, I'm still working out the bugs, but I'm seeing apprenticeship, adolescence, exploration, amnesia, a secret past, war, love, betrayal, apocalypse - you know, the usual.

::cracks knuckles::

[nif.livejournal.com]

fishing for criticism hm? See if I can help you out with that.
I liked the piece in its descriptiveness. I liked it as a vague opening to a larger body of work. I don't think it works at all as a stand alone. There is little tono character description at all. It sets a scene but not a person. If thats what you were going for then great. An interesting idea to play with might be to use a recurrance of color throughout the piece. You use blue, green and black a lot in the opening paragraph, if you could subtly repeat those colors throughout the passage, it could be realy neat. Thats what I would do. Just a thought.
The only thing that really bugged me was the second sentence. The "which was a.." part is very unecessary and interrupted my flow. try "A shock of blue lightning split the churning of sickly grey-green clouds" or something. Its up to you. Those are my suggestions. I'll do what I did for Drudgery if you'd like. I'm just too tired for it tonight.
~La Nif

Verily! Let's dance, punk.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

For starters, yes,this really is just meant to be an opening to a larger work, setting the scene and such, and not specifically meant to stand on it's own. Character description I suppose would come afterwards, though I would admit to not knowing exactly how it should be done. I suppose showing is always better than telling, as in "He ran his hand through his black hair, his green eyes glinting dully in the wan light," so I suppose I should question at which point there's too much narration, or how to otherwise bring it down to his level. After all, how can I describe what he looks like if we're in his head?

Point duly noted on the 'which was.' I agree that it breaks things up, and shall rectify the situation. I would greatly enjoy reading any variation you might have on the scene. Your point of color touches on something I was going for, as well. I was trying to use drab and sickly images, in which case gray and green are probably the most appropriate. The general environment is also meant to be/seem very unnatural, as well, which brings in the green clouds and blue lightning (as it always rather seemed like lightning was white to me). I want to avoid things that I feel are 'over-used,' though - black lightning, for example, just feels 'done,' y'know?

Much appreciated, my Cid. ^_^

[bsgnome.livejournal.com]

Oh, you can also feel free to just read it, if that's your thing, but any comments (even 'WaHah, keh keh keh') are more than welcome.

Hmmm ... for some reason this comment seems directly aimed at me. Very curious. Anyways, on to the point I wanted to make:

WaHah! Keh! Keh! Keh!

Ahem, but seriously, I think I will attempt a critique. I personally think that it stands quite well on its own, and if left alone, one could think it to be profound, depending on how they interpret the character and objects. But, knowing that you intend for this to be the beginning of a story, that could not have been your intent, but still it works. What you have to remember though about the beginning though, is that you are setting the tone and the mood of the entire story. It would be best if these elements remained unchanged for until the end of the whole. With that in mind, this beginnign sugests a dark and tragic tale. If that is what you want, great. If not though, try not to be so heavey on the feelings of pain and desolation.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

"...one could think it to be profound, depending on how they interpret the character and objects..."
Methinks I know why you enjoyed my other pieces so much - you were reading them correctly.  ^__^

"...It would be best if these elements remained unchanged for until the end of the whole..."
I confess I'm not exactly sure what it is your saying here. Can you rephrase it?

"...this beginnign sugests a dark and tragic tale..."
-=Bells and whistles=-
We have a winner! Give the man a prize, Joe.

[bsgnome.livejournal.com]

I confess I'm not exactly sure what it is your saying here. Can you rephrase it?

I knew it sounded confusing the way I had put it ... how can I say what I mean?

I suppose, generaly, that what I mean is, that the story would be best written if, throughout the story, you repeated the same elements, rarely straying from the road you've paved with your beginning.