Colosseum

[jackofallgeeks]

There was a deafening sound, a sound like a thousand waves crashing into the same sea-cliff. His breathing came hard as the crowd cheered, and he dropped the hilt of his blade. His body was slick with blood - his own as well as that of the creature - and his skin was grimey and pale from the coating of dust. The sun beat down furiously on him; it had been a good show. Perhaps next time he would be allowed to win. Not this time, though. He had been meant to lose this fight. His blade had broken on the first swing, and he should have been little match for the beast unarmed. The Overseers would still make their profit, all the same, but he would be punished. Punished for surviving.

Comments

Love the image...

[serenabuny.livejournal.com]

Looks good, but remember about repeating words in such a short piece. Find a way to cut out the second "sound".

"Perhaps next time he would be allowed to win.
Not this time, though. He had been meant to lose this fight... Punished for surviving." This is kind of conflicting with this section of writing by itself. Isn't it typically that if you survive and the other... well, thing... doesn't, then you win? I think that's the usual Colleseum-type, fight to the death challenge works. If this isn't the case with yours, make sure in the sectino before it that you explain the rules. This scenario is normally a win-lose situation. You either win or lose. Officially anyway, by the rules of the game... Oh! And "fight" in the second paragraph can be cut out. I think by the blood and colleseum type description we can figure out what it is. Show, don't tell, yes?...

"Punished for surviving." The repetition here places emphasis on punished, yes? If what you want emphasis on is "surviving", just cut out "punished" in this sentence. The natural progression seems to want me to emphasize "survive" though.

"His breathing came hard as the crowd cheered, and he dropped the hilt of his blade. His body was slick with blood - his own as well as that of the creature - and his skin was grimey and pale from the coating of dust. The sun beat down furiously on him; it had been a good show."
You can combine these sentences if you want: "Breathing harsh, skin grimey and pale from the dust, and body slick from their mingled blood, he dropped his sword from white knuckles as the crowd cheered under the furiously beating sun. It had been a good show." Well, something like that anyway. I'm pretending like you described the fight and cut out a lot of the description because it was previously said. Are you going to describe the fight? If so a lot of this can be put in that section so this one isn't so laden with detail. It makes the reader focus more on the details than the second paragraph.

Maximus, Level 1 [don't sack me, Chris...]

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Good call on the repetition. I seem to miss those, I think.

You're right on the 'show, don't tell' rule, and I suppose I could replace 'fight' with 'match,' but it all seems the same to me. As far as it being self-conflicting... well, yes, I suppose when you think of a gladatorial fight, you imagine one lives, one dies, and the survivor is that winner. Obviously, that holds true here - you can't really declare the dead one the winner in a fight to the death. However, that doesn't mean he was supposed to win - as you might gather bythe language I used (hell, I think I flat out said it).
The simple fact of the matter - this match, like many in history was rigged. You play the crowd. there's probably alot of betting going on. People who go to a colusseum want two things - a nice show, and some death. the Overseers in this piece are running the place, and they wanted the narrator dead. And he's not. They aren't going to be happy.
>_< Enough, though, I don't like explaining too much about my own work. Show, don't tell.

I'm actually trying to emphasize the whole "punished for surviving" phrase. It actually works, thematically, regardless of which word gets more stress, I think, and in my opinion may work better having 'punished' stressed. ::Shrugs::

And I suppose I could combine those sentences, but I think I prefer the way it's phrased. I think it directs the attention more internally, as even at this time of peak excitement, I'm trying to... tone-down the outter world, I guess you could say. The narrator is reflecting on the recent events. And while, yes, I could have described the fight, I haven't, and I don't know that I nessisarily intend to. I feel, in many cases, I feel the reader's imagination could paint a better picture than my ineffective words. However, Rachel has asked that I consider returning to old scenes (she liked this one particularly) and perhaps continuing with the story. And I may, at that. But for now, each snippet is autonomous.