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jackofallgeeks| He sat himself at the table, his muscles groaning in relief, as she buisied herself at the fire. A large pot was hung over the flames, boilling a milky-colored stew. It was probably goat again. The rain beat against the windows as she dished out the stew, her ladle clinking dully, first against the pot and then against each of the stone-work bowls. "The wooden shingles leak over in the corner." She said flatly, motioning with her head. "You'll need to fix them." 'When we have the money' was left implied. She placed the heavy-smelling bowl infront of him and then took her own seat. The iron spoon, smooth and bent by years of use, slid familiarly into his hand. He would tell her about the oxen tomorrow. |
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Looks good yo...
Date: 2002-11-19 10:38 am (UTC)Some Criticism - I like it.
Date: 2002-11-19 12:55 pm (UTC)As for cutting out 'in the corner,' I'm afraid that's what she said, and I would sooner change my narration around than take her words from her. Along similar lines, and as it pertains to your speculation on the use of 'wooden shingles' -- I would but ask that you pay attention to what the author does say, and not so much question if he meant to say it. Definitely present your observations, as the author may not have intended to say what you read, but at the same time - perhaps the implication that this couple lives in a run down house that was once good says something important. It's been pointed out to me that if something stands out in a work, the author is most likely trying to draw it out. Think on it for a bit.
As mundane and perhaps obvious as my writing may seem, I like to think that, with a bit of though, deeper themes can be found it them.
On a finishing note, I much appreciate your criticism. I don't claim to be a renowned writer, and Lord knows I don't put these up for my health (though I will say it's all quite enjoyable).
Re: Some Criticism - I like it.
Date: 2002-11-19 05:26 pm (UTC)Clutter means, in the most basic sense, words that clutter your writing. Words that can be deleted and have no real substancial purpose. Excluding dialogue, words like very, really, and quite just repeat what you're syaing. This doesn't mean you can't use them, but make sure they're used infrequently and used on purpose by the author.
"I would but ask that you pay attention to what the author does say, and not so much question if he meant to say it. Definitely present your observations, as the author may not have intended to say what you read, but at the same time - perhaps the implication that this couple lives in a run down house that was once good says something important. It's been pointed out to me that if something stands out in a work, the author is most likely trying to draw it out. Think on it for a bit.
As mundane and perhaps obvious as my writing may seem, I like to think that, with a bit of though, deeper themes can be found it them."
I can in no way find deeper meaning in this writing. It's too short and lacking on solid verbs for me to get a firm grasp of what's going on beyond the Exact words that you write. A reader typically does not just read exactly what you write, but uses their imagination and expands the image. If a work does not seem to stretch outside the walls of the room/place and leave some mystery to it, it's no good. There IS a wrold beyond that room and the reader wants to feel that. As far as meaning to say something, I HAVE to question it in this early a stage of writing. It's my fecking job. As long as I know why you want it that way, and develope it so that it's understandable to the reader, then it's ok. In such a short piece, with so little pattern or recurring theme to pick up, how am I supposed to expand and find deeper meaning in it? I can't find any words or images that repeat to emphasize a feeling of conflict, poverty, or whatever it is you're trying to show. Develope it more or piece it with something else. Right now all I can see is that they're in times of trouble, are poor, and are growing to be harsh, spiritless people...
no subject
Date: 2002-11-19 06:20 pm (UTC)First of all, I said I liked your critique, so please don't feel as though I was in any way attacking you. I wasn't. I am doing this creatively, there are no 'quotes' that i'm working with, strictly speaking, but... ::Shrugs:: I just meant to say that I wanted her to say what she said, is all.
As for the deeper meaning I may imagine there is in my writing...
Maybe I do just imagine. ::Shrugs:: It doesn't matter. I never claimed to be any good at this, and so if you can't see beyond my four walls, maybe it is a failing in my writing.
I still enjoy it.
Och...
Date: 2002-11-19 06:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-21 04:57 pm (UTC)First off, I liked it and this is why: it was descriptive- the audience wasn't left floating in space, it had something ordinary the reader could identify with, and it hinted that there was more going on in the scene than first realized. However, that something was never really brought out. Just as the reader was enticed into the message beneath the surface you ended it.
The language was good, but it seemed a bit forced as if you sat and thought about the descriptors for a while. Some of it doesn't flow, and when details don't flow, it creates a "bump" in the reading and takes away from the point of using all that imagery. I don't know if you realize it, but you're describing only from a narrative standpoint, not as the characters are viewing things. This alienates the reader from the character. If the characters are only supposed to be allegorical symbols, thats fine, but if you want them to be *people* then you need to get the reader inside their heads.
Alright. So. To illustrate, this is how I would have done the scene if I had written it. Its not to say that my style is better than yours, but its just to give you a different take on it. Maybe you can identify an aspect that you'd like to incorporate, or one you'd like to stay away from. I dunno. I'm trying to help. Here goes.
Drudgery de la Nif
There was a drip in the corner of the room. The rain water had snaked its way through the meager wooden shingles, invading the little insular world.
There were days he thought the workload would get the best of him and he'd be left with nothing. With not even this rough hewn eating table he'd built with his own hands.
His muscles protested the shift as he sat down heavily, palms flat against the fire-warmed wood. He tried to focus only on the crackle of the fire and the gentle liquid sounds of stew being stirred. It was goat as it always was these days. The leak seemed to tap louder now as the droplets spattered on the hard packed floor.
She had seen the weariness on his face and knew as well as he that the storm had caused problems today. She wondered if the oxen were alright, but found she couldn't bring herself to really care. The ladle tapped against the cold stone of the bowls, mimicking with precision that ever present leak.
He twitched as he heard it but said nothing and she laid the bowl on the oversized table. She sat carefully across from him, and stared at her own bowl. They were quiet, the rain unobtrusive except for the tiny insidious drops that worked their way in.
"The wooden shingles leak over in the corner." It was a sharp statement, and unnecessary. "You'll need to fix them." She hadn't touched her stew.
He closed his eyes, shoving a spoonful of burning liquid into his mouth, and listened as the rain ate away at his home.
He would tell her about the oxen tomorrow.