jackofallgeeks | On a Personal Note (Reply)

I'm feeling really lonely tonight. It's weird, because for the last week I've been really happy - I mean really happy, content with the world and my place in it. I've been thinking about how lucky I am to have such great friends (all of you here included) and how I'm so lucky to know such wonderful people. It's just...

At the same time, I feel really alone. I have great friends, yeah, but how many of them are near me? Louis is just down the road and I've seen him all of thrice. I never get any e-mail (though I don't mean to point fingers) and, since school started, it seems there's never anyone on to talk to - not when I want to, or how I want to, anyways. I guess.
Most of it's a personal problem. I have alot of free time, but at such inconvenient moments. I have large chunks of time with nothing to do, but set at times when there is nothing to do.

I don't want to burden anyone, but at the same time I don't want to put up the facade that everything's fine. I've played that game before, and it does nothing to help the situation on anyone's part. I don't want to get anyone down with my own crud, but...I need people. I'm very much a social animal, I need people just to keep me sane. I can't stand to feel alone, more than anything else in the world. Even when I KNOW I'm not, even when I KNOW you're all out there, and you all care - I can't stand to feel alone.

Claire got mad at me the other day. I was feeling, I donno, vulnerable or scared or depressed - I was feeling something, and I asked if she really wanted to still see me, at all. I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean to question her, and she had every right to get upset with me, because I know she still cares about me, and she's never done anything to make me think otherwise. But...I don't know, sometimes I just want to hear it, you know? It's a flaw on my part, I know, but how can you hear it if you don't ask? I don't doubt her, I don't. It's just... I don't know...

Don't get me wrong, I have been happy, I've been very happy, even recently. As I said earlier, it was good seeing Katie G, and Brookie, and the people at the event tonight. I'm still a very optomistic and idealistic person. Trevor (my roomie) and I went out to Bethesda today, and I felt good just getting out - just getting Out! I'm thinking more and more I should just take to driving to collect my thoughts - a couple laps around the Beltway or something.

::Shakes Head:: There's alot to me, I'm sure you all know that. There's so much I am, and I want to be, and I want to do. I have dreams, and aspirations - it's only human. I want to help those who mean so much to me, to know I'm of some use to them and not just a burden. There's alot to me, and as much as I try to deny it, I'm still partly in the mind set from Elementry school that some parts people just don't want to see. ::Shrugs:: And maybe they don't, but it kills me to feel so misunderstood, so alienated, so alone. Even with how much I disagree with you on many subjects, I don't believe we think that differently from eachother - even on those things - and alot of the time I don't think I get that point across....

But I'm rambling now. I'm just tired, I should get some sleep or something....

Current mood: