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Wrestling my demons.
Aug. 25th, 2007 09:48 pmOn Friday and Saturday nights, I've found, I get to feeling really sad. I imagine it has to do with the fact that (1) I see my friends at the game shop on Fridays and Saturdays, and leaving friends (in most any circumstance) makes me sad, and (2) I'm anticipating my Monday meeting with my thesis advisor, and having to answer for the work I have or have not accomplished. Lately I think there's the additional saddness that every time I leave the game shop is one step closer to never going back, compounded by the fear that maybe it's not.
That fear has been getting less, I don't really believe any more than I'm not going to graduate. But it's still there. My thesis isn't done. My advisors haven't signed it. I can pretty much quantify now what needs to be done, but every time I look at the Next Step, whatever it might be (right now it's my Implementation Chapter) it just seems so daunting. I feel small, inept.
I got my code written last week. It's all together and it runs. It doesn't *do* much, it's missing *lots* of functionality, but this was understood between me and my advisors. I'm just writing a prototype, and it demonstrates that they system they're building CAN support the application my thesis has been looking at.
I haven't gotten anything else accomplished since. I'd meant to have my Implementation Chapter done for Monday, and even though it really only means I've had Friday and Saturday, I haven't even started. I hate feeling disappointed with myself. I hate failing myself.
I have roughly four weeks before Graduation. One week left in August, three weeks until Graduation Day. Three or four days after that when I want to me moved out and heading east. Another three or four days beyond that (a week after Graduation) when the thesis's hard deadline is. I can get done, I can get through this. But it's hard. I'm tired. I'm low on energy.
That fear has been getting less, I don't really believe any more than I'm not going to graduate. But it's still there. My thesis isn't done. My advisors haven't signed it. I can pretty much quantify now what needs to be done, but every time I look at the Next Step, whatever it might be (right now it's my Implementation Chapter) it just seems so daunting. I feel small, inept.
I got my code written last week. It's all together and it runs. It doesn't *do* much, it's missing *lots* of functionality, but this was understood between me and my advisors. I'm just writing a prototype, and it demonstrates that they system they're building CAN support the application my thesis has been looking at.
I haven't gotten anything else accomplished since. I'd meant to have my Implementation Chapter done for Monday, and even though it really only means I've had Friday and Saturday, I haven't even started. I hate feeling disappointed with myself. I hate failing myself.
I have roughly four weeks before Graduation. One week left in August, three weeks until Graduation Day. Three or four days after that when I want to me moved out and heading east. Another three or four days beyond that (a week after Graduation) when the thesis's hard deadline is. I can get done, I can get through this. But it's hard. I'm tired. I'm low on energy.
