![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Dysphoria, Importantness, and Pride
May. 24th, 2007 11:51 pmToday I've been tired. In fact, I think I've been tired for a couple weeks, now. But I think that when I say 'tired,' I really mean 'depressed.' I don't like that word, though, I don't think my moods are deep enough to be called depression -- Leslie was depressed, my brother was depressed, Ben was depressed. I just get dysphoric sometimes, is all.
I ended up in the lab this evening with Marcin, 'cause he was helping me out getting MySQL set up -- yeah, it's simple, and I probably could have taken a weekend and figured it all out on my own. Or I could take an evening and have Marcin help me out with it. I don't think he knows how much I appreciated it -- above and beyond just helping me out with my work, it was good company. We grabbed some food at my favorite local pub, the Crown and Anchor, and he had some great stories about his time back in College (y'know, when dinosaurs roamed the earth).
It was good stuff, and it reminded me that when I get in these moods, it's because I'm craving human interaction. There's such a dearth of it here. I think I'd be better if my friends were more accessible, if I had more actual human touch, if I didn't always feel like I was on the outside, craving attention.
I've been thinking since last week, when I interviewed for that ISSE job and salivated when he talked about being an expert, being noticed, being important. I want to be important. I don't want to be famous, really; I think the difference is I don't care what unimportant people think of me. And I mean that rather subjectively. That same subjectivity is why I'm fine being myself with strangers but re-meeting people I used to know makes me uncomfortable -- they're important to me.
And I don't want to be considered unimportant, either. To be forgotten, ignored, overlooked; those are probably some of my greatest fears. Even my fear of death isn't a fear of death per se. It's a fear of being forgotten. Or, failing that, a fear of eternity; a fear of something I can't understand, and man always fears what he can't understand.
I'm a proud man. Pride is probably my greatest failing in that I hardly even recognize it as a problem. I accept that I'm proud and move on. Never mind that it's surely the root of all my other personal failings, my lack of faith and occasional disregard for other people, the things I recognize as failings.
Anyways. Just some thoughts before bed.
I ended up in the lab this evening with Marcin, 'cause he was helping me out getting MySQL set up -- yeah, it's simple, and I probably could have taken a weekend and figured it all out on my own. Or I could take an evening and have Marcin help me out with it. I don't think he knows how much I appreciated it -- above and beyond just helping me out with my work, it was good company. We grabbed some food at my favorite local pub, the Crown and Anchor, and he had some great stories about his time back in College (y'know, when dinosaurs roamed the earth).
It was good stuff, and it reminded me that when I get in these moods, it's because I'm craving human interaction. There's such a dearth of it here. I think I'd be better if my friends were more accessible, if I had more actual human touch, if I didn't always feel like I was on the outside, craving attention.
I've been thinking since last week, when I interviewed for that ISSE job and salivated when he talked about being an expert, being noticed, being important. I want to be important. I don't want to be famous, really; I think the difference is I don't care what unimportant people think of me. And I mean that rather subjectively. That same subjectivity is why I'm fine being myself with strangers but re-meeting people I used to know makes me uncomfortable -- they're important to me.
And I don't want to be considered unimportant, either. To be forgotten, ignored, overlooked; those are probably some of my greatest fears. Even my fear of death isn't a fear of death per se. It's a fear of being forgotten. Or, failing that, a fear of eternity; a fear of something I can't understand, and man always fears what he can't understand.
I'm a proud man. Pride is probably my greatest failing in that I hardly even recognize it as a problem. I accept that I'm proud and move on. Never mind that it's surely the root of all my other personal failings, my lack of faith and occasional disregard for other people, the things I recognize as failings.
Anyways. Just some thoughts before bed.
