(no subject)

So this evening my friend Laurel got in a little fight with her boyfriend. She was irritated, so we chatted about it, and she said that she was upset and I guess was making a point of ignoring him, and he wasn't making a big deal of it. And she said that she didn't know if his not making a big deal of it was helping or making things worse; part of her wanted him to try making up for being dumb, and was irritated that he wasn't putting forth effort.

It reminded me at the time of Anastasiya, and how at one point (and maybe even up through present day) when she would get angry or upset, she'd run away, but part of her always wished and hoped that someone would chase after her. Because, I guess, if someone chased her when she ran, then she could trust that they wanted to be there, with her.

It didn't strike me until now that I'm like that, too. I don't run, but I hide. And I want very badly for someone to come and find me. I've realized that I spend a lot of my time at home sitting in my room, sometimes actively avoiding my house mates -- not because I don't like them, but because I'm really afraid of being rejected by them. I hide because I like them, and because I recognize that I'm of a different sort. I'm always of a different sort, wherever I go, and I don't like rejection. So, I hide; they can't reject me if they never see me.

And yet I sit here, trying to hide conspicuously, hoping that someone will find me and say, "Hey, there you are. Come hang out with us; we like you and want you around." I feel so twelve again, so scared and vulnerable. And in the end this is why people I used to know intimidate me, because they can reject me, and I've no defense to that. I think, reflecting on that, it's why I'm so open on this journal, because it's the same sort of thing: hiding in plain sight.

The thing is, I know it's ridiculous to run hoping someone chases you, to hide wishing to be found. It's what I told Anastasiya before. You can't expect people to play a game you haven't told them the rules to; you can't expect them to know that you want the opposite result from what your actions are aimed at.

I don't want to be alone, but I fear the rejection that seeking company threatens.

I ought to be a better student.

So, I just found out that the computer that I need to access to do my Protocol homework can't be reached from off of campus. Now, if I were a dutiful and responsible student, I would walk the 30 minutes to campus, hide myself down in the computer lab for a few hours, and get (at least some of) my work done. Unfortunately, I'm not really all that dutiful or responsible of a student, and it's a beautiful day out, and I can think of a half-dozen things I'd rather be doing on a Saturday without much trouble. Which means I'm going to slack off, not worry about my work, and plan on getting to it tomorrow, after brunch with Laurel.