![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
So, I'm feeling a sad kind of contented-happy right now. I just watched "Groundhog Day." I think I really liked it. I also got my birthday gift from my mom, a nice silver wristwatch. I haven't had a nice watch (or any watch, really) for a few years, now. I think this is all contributing to my current mood. So is the glass of wine I had with dinner -- rare london broil and a small salad with thousand island dressing. I kind of want to make up some more tea, as I really like tea, but that means getting up out of my room, and sometimes I like to forget that there is an "out of my room."
I've learned a great deal in the last few months. Most of it has nothing to do with the classes I'm taking; in fact, I'd be hard pressed to say I've learned very much of anything from my classes so far, which is a little disconcerting when I think that I'm now about half-way through my program.
Some of the things I've learned are small and rather insignificant. Cheese is good on hamburgers. Mayonnaise actually does make sandwiches taste significantly better. Lunchmeat is really worth the effort. Eggs are good, period, be they fried, scrambled, deviled, poached, or omlette'd. Some things are a bit more important, but also things that should have been plainly obvious to me. I really like people. So long as someone is generally a decent human being, I tolerate a lot of little flaws, though I may complain now and again. People with bad attitudes turn me off immediately. I don't like having a bad attitude; I'm happier when I'm a nice person. Sometimes I like having alone time, but more often then not I'd rather have a good friend with me. There's a part of me that likes being sad, but I think it's because it remembers what happy is like. I love my family more than anything else, and when I say 'family' I count certain of my good friends there, too. -smirk- Which is more appropriate for some than for others, but...
Right now, I'm sad. I'm lonely, and I'm scared, and I really don't know where I'm going to be for the next three months; I haven't heard anything about my Internship lately, and time is running low. I don't have a firm grasp on my thesis topic, I have two weeks of classes before exams, and I'm afraid that I'm going to do poorly with the job interview I have on June 8th and 9th. I have a few friends out here, but a good number of them I only see on Friday nights, and a good number of them are leaving before the end of June; some left this past weekend. Strictly speaking, I don't have a girlfriend and I can't really see any prospects on the horizon; I'm near-sighted in more than one way.
All that being said, I'm doing alright. I want to cry, but I'm alright. And I don't know if it's the movie, or the wine, or maybe just the breaking point after all this stress, but... I used to believe everything happened for a reason. A part of me still does, I think, and recognizes all the 'coincidences' that had to happen to get me where I am, and still doesn't believe in coincidences. I've been trying to believe that again. It's struck me as an odd incongruity that I, the boy who's somewhat known for his religion, who's actually been called "the Catholic" in more than one circle, has such trouble with faith. And I do. I have a lot of trouble with faith. It's one thing to say that there's a God, that He created the world, that we messed it up, but that He forgives us and loves us and has a plan for us. And maybe it's not really a whole 'nother thing to say that on a day-to-day basis He has our best in mind and actively works to see us through, but it certainly seems like a big pill to swallow for me. I've heard "just let go and let God," more often than I'd care to count, but I won't. "God helps those who help themselves," and I can't let go and just trust that everything is going to be alright. Because if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. No one is going to see to my happiness for me. My trouble is that I feel I'm the only one responsible for my life, for good or for ill, and I can't see how that could be otherwise. And I can't trust that "it'll be alright," because sometimes it's not. There's a lot of pain and suffering and misery in the world, some people are really unhappy, and I don't see why I should necessarily be spared that. I don't see why it's so infeasible that I could be miserable and unhappy. Some people don't get what they want. And sometimes I get scared that I won't get what I want, either.
-smirk- I guess that sounds less "alright" than I first said I was. It was a tangent. I'm actually better tonight than I've been in a while. I almost really do believe that these coincidences aren't just chance; just for an example, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't met Laurel. I really don't think I'd have made it out here. It would have been my own personalBeppu hell. And I really don't understand why or how things played out the way they did, but I'm glad they did, and... -shrugs- That's something to be grateful for, anyways. And I'm happy that my friends are happy, and I'm happy that sometimes I can give them a hand, and that sometimes I make a difference, even in a small way. It reminds me that I'm a good person, a like-able person, a worthwhile person, and that I have a met-positive effect in the world.
I have mixed feelings on tea these days. I really like it. My mom attributed it once to our trip to Europe in 1999, and I think she's right in that that's where it started. Tea with breakfast every day, and it was just nice. And I like the image of tea, of sitting in a cozy fire-warm room at home with a book and tea, reading quietly as the rain patters against the windows. Tea also reminds me of Christendom, and of Suzannah, and over everything that goes along with that; it's bittersweet memories that leave a sliver in my heart still. But I do like tea.
Sometimes it's good to cry.
I've learned a great deal in the last few months. Most of it has nothing to do with the classes I'm taking; in fact, I'd be hard pressed to say I've learned very much of anything from my classes so far, which is a little disconcerting when I think that I'm now about half-way through my program.
Some of the things I've learned are small and rather insignificant. Cheese is good on hamburgers. Mayonnaise actually does make sandwiches taste significantly better. Lunchmeat is really worth the effort. Eggs are good, period, be they fried, scrambled, deviled, poached, or omlette'd. Some things are a bit more important, but also things that should have been plainly obvious to me. I really like people. So long as someone is generally a decent human being, I tolerate a lot of little flaws, though I may complain now and again. People with bad attitudes turn me off immediately. I don't like having a bad attitude; I'm happier when I'm a nice person. Sometimes I like having alone time, but more often then not I'd rather have a good friend with me. There's a part of me that likes being sad, but I think it's because it remembers what happy is like. I love my family more than anything else, and when I say 'family' I count certain of my good friends there, too. -smirk- Which is more appropriate for some than for others, but...
Right now, I'm sad. I'm lonely, and I'm scared, and I really don't know where I'm going to be for the next three months; I haven't heard anything about my Internship lately, and time is running low. I don't have a firm grasp on my thesis topic, I have two weeks of classes before exams, and I'm afraid that I'm going to do poorly with the job interview I have on June 8th and 9th. I have a few friends out here, but a good number of them I only see on Friday nights, and a good number of them are leaving before the end of June; some left this past weekend. Strictly speaking, I don't have a girlfriend and I can't really see any prospects on the horizon; I'm near-sighted in more than one way.
All that being said, I'm doing alright. I want to cry, but I'm alright. And I don't know if it's the movie, or the wine, or maybe just the breaking point after all this stress, but... I used to believe everything happened for a reason. A part of me still does, I think, and recognizes all the 'coincidences' that had to happen to get me where I am, and still doesn't believe in coincidences. I've been trying to believe that again. It's struck me as an odd incongruity that I, the boy who's somewhat known for his religion, who's actually been called "the Catholic" in more than one circle, has such trouble with faith. And I do. I have a lot of trouble with faith. It's one thing to say that there's a God, that He created the world, that we messed it up, but that He forgives us and loves us and has a plan for us. And maybe it's not really a whole 'nother thing to say that on a day-to-day basis He has our best in mind and actively works to see us through, but it certainly seems like a big pill to swallow for me. I've heard "just let go and let God," more often than I'd care to count, but I won't. "God helps those who help themselves," and I can't let go and just trust that everything is going to be alright. Because if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. No one is going to see to my happiness for me. My trouble is that I feel I'm the only one responsible for my life, for good or for ill, and I can't see how that could be otherwise. And I can't trust that "it'll be alright," because sometimes it's not. There's a lot of pain and suffering and misery in the world, some people are really unhappy, and I don't see why I should necessarily be spared that. I don't see why it's so infeasible that I could be miserable and unhappy. Some people don't get what they want. And sometimes I get scared that I won't get what I want, either.
-smirk- I guess that sounds less "alright" than I first said I was. It was a tangent. I'm actually better tonight than I've been in a while. I almost really do believe that these coincidences aren't just chance; just for an example, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't met Laurel. I really don't think I'd have made it out here. It would have been my own personal
I have mixed feelings on tea these days. I really like it. My mom attributed it once to our trip to Europe in 1999, and I think she's right in that that's where it started. Tea with breakfast every day, and it was just nice. And I like the image of tea, of sitting in a cozy fire-warm room at home with a book and tea, reading quietly as the rain patters against the windows. Tea also reminds me of Christendom, and of Suzannah, and over everything that goes along with that; it's bittersweet memories that leave a sliver in my heart still. But I do like tea.
Sometimes it's good to cry.
