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I'm really kind of scared right now, and most all of my fear stems from either the start or end of school.
As the start of school goes... I have a handful of scholarships, and a few loans, and then some previous credit, but this doesn't quite cover all of my tuition. I've been working all summer for pretty decent pay, especially considering what a lot of my peers have been making, and while I've spent a great deal of money feeding myself and visiting with friends (plus a few luxuries like Books), I've managed to build a decent cushion to sit on for the next year. I'd assumed that I would have a comparably-paying job during the school year, and I'd be able to pay for books, food, and cover some more tuition. Now that my assumed job has been pulled out from under my, I'm really frightened. My cushion can't pay for school, and even if I just spent it on books and food, it wouldn't last all that long. On top of that, no cash flow at all means no FunMoney(tm) that I'm so used to, for going out to visit friends several hours away, or see movies or call for pizza, or anything. I don't like the idea of not seeing my friends, and yes, not seeing Suzannah does sit high on that list of worry. Sure, I can and almost-must find some other job somewhere; I don't think I can afford to not work this year, as I've noted. But that assumed job was comfortable. Now there's a lot more uncertainty, and uncertainty frightens me.
Which brings us to the end of school -- possibly one of the biggest changes in my life since... well, at least since four years ago. And maybe I'm exaggerating it all in my head, but I've never had more uncertainty than I have with Graduation. I don't know where I'll live, or where I'll work -- I'm not even certain what I want to do with work. Sure, something with computers, but sometimes I worry that for all the money we've poured into school, I don't really know all that much more than anyone else. That scares me because it sounds like I may have failed myself in my own education. On top of that, I get scared about my at-least-perceived lack of work ethic or motivation, and whether I'll be productive enough to make myself desirable as an employee. I've never had big career goals, just that I be able to support the family I don't yet have, and I don't know... I guess maybe, for once in my life, the notion of 'success' by American standards is starting to press in on me. (A note to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
postvixen, if she's reading: you're bit this morning on your own sense of accomplishment and such made me feel a little better about this. -shrugs- For what it's worth.)
So there's the job end of it. Then there's the 'living' end of it -- when I graduate, I'm homeless. I don't want to move back in with my parents -- I love them, we get along really great, all my siblings are grand, but I don't want to go back there. Maybe it's a matter of pride (as I tend to be a very proud man), but I just feel too independent to be living with my parents again. I want to be out on my own, unconstrained, and good as our relationship is, I'm still the Child there, and I haven't been a Child in my own mind for years now. Even if they do give me unfettered access to the car and the ability to come and go as I please, I would still feel it, because it's a fact; I am and always will be their child, and being an Adult now just complicates things, sometimes. (My parents do treat me as an adult, mind you, and seem to have a pretty high opinion of me as my own person, which makes me feel good about things; the whole Child-Adult duality is probably all in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that it's there.)
So if not at Home, then where do I live? I have plenty of reasons to stay here in the Metro area, most of them having the Surname of Gigioli (those would my my cousins and such). And it's a nice area, really, especially if I could get myself INTO DC more often, to see the Art Museum, and maybe get more culture than what I pick up at the grocery store. At the same time, I have a rather strong desire to live somewhere else, most likely somewhere North. I've always wanted to Live in New England, either Massachusetts or something. Or maybe the North West. Or Colorado. The trouble with all of those is that, while most everyone I know here is at least an hour's drive away, I don't know anyone in New England, or Oregon, or Colorado. And being completely cut off from actual social contact could be really bad for me.
And I'd be lying if I said things with Suzannah weren't a consideration in my fears. Things seem to be going pretty well with her; I saw her a lot this summer, and I hope to see more of her this Fall and then next Spring (money concerns presented above allowing). And generally, I'm really OK with things. Yeah, I'm rather taken with her, but I think I'm callous enough about relationships these days that the prospect of things not working out doesn't bother me too much. But it does bother me, and feeling as callous about relationships as I do bothers me, too. But that aside... Sometime in the next year I'm going to sit down with her and see where we are -- anyone who cares to listen knows how I feel. But it scares me that in maybe eight months, I'll graduate and never see her again. And to get right to the point, even aside from everything good about Suzannah, I'm tired of playing the dating game. I've been tired of it, and I'm foolish enough to think that I'd be at a real loss meeting anyone In The Real World. Not anyone I'd really be interested in, anyways. I know it's foolish, as I've said, but I don't trust the world to produce the sort of people I wish it would.
Anyways, I've rambled enough, I think. In 5,840 minutes I should be moving into my room, and maybe things well settle down and straighten out. This final lingering week is just getting to me, maybe.
As the start of school goes... I have a handful of scholarships, and a few loans, and then some previous credit, but this doesn't quite cover all of my tuition. I've been working all summer for pretty decent pay, especially considering what a lot of my peers have been making, and while I've spent a great deal of money feeding myself and visiting with friends (plus a few luxuries like Books), I've managed to build a decent cushion to sit on for the next year. I'd assumed that I would have a comparably-paying job during the school year, and I'd be able to pay for books, food, and cover some more tuition. Now that my assumed job has been pulled out from under my, I'm really frightened. My cushion can't pay for school, and even if I just spent it on books and food, it wouldn't last all that long. On top of that, no cash flow at all means no FunMoney(tm) that I'm so used to, for going out to visit friends several hours away, or see movies or call for pizza, or anything. I don't like the idea of not seeing my friends, and yes, not seeing Suzannah does sit high on that list of worry. Sure, I can and almost-must find some other job somewhere; I don't think I can afford to not work this year, as I've noted. But that assumed job was comfortable. Now there's a lot more uncertainty, and uncertainty frightens me.
Which brings us to the end of school -- possibly one of the biggest changes in my life since... well, at least since four years ago. And maybe I'm exaggerating it all in my head, but I've never had more uncertainty than I have with Graduation. I don't know where I'll live, or where I'll work -- I'm not even certain what I want to do with work. Sure, something with computers, but sometimes I worry that for all the money we've poured into school, I don't really know all that much more than anyone else. That scares me because it sounds like I may have failed myself in my own education. On top of that, I get scared about my at-least-perceived lack of work ethic or motivation, and whether I'll be productive enough to make myself desirable as an employee. I've never had big career goals, just that I be able to support the family I don't yet have, and I don't know... I guess maybe, for once in my life, the notion of 'success' by American standards is starting to press in on me. (A note to
postvixen, if she's reading: you're bit this morning on your own sense of accomplishment and such made me feel a little better about this. -shrugs- For what it's worth.)So there's the job end of it. Then there's the 'living' end of it -- when I graduate, I'm homeless. I don't want to move back in with my parents -- I love them, we get along really great, all my siblings are grand, but I don't want to go back there. Maybe it's a matter of pride (as I tend to be a very proud man), but I just feel too independent to be living with my parents again. I want to be out on my own, unconstrained, and good as our relationship is, I'm still the Child there, and I haven't been a Child in my own mind for years now. Even if they do give me unfettered access to the car and the ability to come and go as I please, I would still feel it, because it's a fact; I am and always will be their child, and being an Adult now just complicates things, sometimes. (My parents do treat me as an adult, mind you, and seem to have a pretty high opinion of me as my own person, which makes me feel good about things; the whole Child-Adult duality is probably all in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that it's there.)
So if not at Home, then where do I live? I have plenty of reasons to stay here in the Metro area, most of them having the Surname of Gigioli (those would my my cousins and such). And it's a nice area, really, especially if I could get myself INTO DC more often, to see the Art Museum, and maybe get more culture than what I pick up at the grocery store. At the same time, I have a rather strong desire to live somewhere else, most likely somewhere North. I've always wanted to Live in New England, either Massachusetts or something. Or maybe the North West. Or Colorado. The trouble with all of those is that, while most everyone I know here is at least an hour's drive away, I don't know anyone in New England, or Oregon, or Colorado. And being completely cut off from actual social contact could be really bad for me.
And I'd be lying if I said things with Suzannah weren't a consideration in my fears. Things seem to be going pretty well with her; I saw her a lot this summer, and I hope to see more of her this Fall and then next Spring (money concerns presented above allowing). And generally, I'm really OK with things. Yeah, I'm rather taken with her, but I think I'm callous enough about relationships these days that the prospect of things not working out doesn't bother me too much. But it does bother me, and feeling as callous about relationships as I do bothers me, too. But that aside... Sometime in the next year I'm going to sit down with her and see where we are -- anyone who cares to listen knows how I feel. But it scares me that in maybe eight months, I'll graduate and never see her again. And to get right to the point, even aside from everything good about Suzannah, I'm tired of playing the dating game. I've been tired of it, and I'm foolish enough to think that I'd be at a real loss meeting anyone In The Real World. Not anyone I'd really be interested in, anyways. I know it's foolish, as I've said, but I don't trust the world to produce the sort of people I wish it would.
Anyways, I've rambled enough, I think. In 5,840 minutes I should be moving into my room, and maybe things well settle down and straighten out. This final lingering week is just getting to me, maybe.
