I just deleted my post on 'relationships'. Do you know why? Because that's what was bugging me. Or part of it. The last part, the final part, the straw that broke the camel's back.
Why did the post, which seemed so innocent, torment me so? It was contrieved! It was fake, false, a lie. No, the actual words themselves were true, I think. I believed at least most of what I wrote. But the though behind it was deceptive. I'm so MAD right now. With all my talk of honesty, and truth, and objective 'right', that I would... But then, only a few of you would know what I'm talking about.
That post was contrieved in order to pass over an idea I was unable to convey in person. And so rather than doing the right thing and just SAYING it, I hid my meaning and played shadow games. That made me mad, and i don't know if I just now realized it or just now recognized it.
The point is, I care deeply for a girl who I "can't" care for. That's not even it, not in that sense, but.. As I said in that post, the next girl I go out with I want to be the girl I marry. To avoid ambiguity, I'm going to name names, much as I fear hurting people. The object of all this is Claire.
I told Claire on Wednesday not to doubt how I feel about her. I don't know what I meant by that, but I meant it. How ever, I reserve the right to doubt myself, and so I do. i don't know WHY I feel so deeply about Claire, whether I care about her simply, of if I like her because she provides the human contact I've so desperately been lacking, or even for reasons so low as that I like her simply because she likes me. I don't know, but I do know I care about her, and if nothing else I want to be good friends with her, always.
That's why I couldn't tell her in person. Because I don't want to hurt her. I'd be such an ass if I did, and even at that I can see this single post crushing her, but that's not my intent!! I want to get this out for fear it would come out anyways, and the poor girl would have that much farther to fall. i don't want to hurt her at all, but if I must pain her, I want her to feel as little as possible.
I feel like such a bastard.
And I'm not saying there isn't anything, and I'm not saying there CAN'T be anything! I'd so like for there to be, I can't even express it! All I'm saying is there are complications. I so didn't want to just let this all out, but I can already see that's where I'm heading. Please, please forgive me.
A friend of mine the other night took it upon herself to express to me that I "couldn't care about Claire", though not in as many words. that made me soi MAD! She was right in a way, but she TOLD mne what I COULD or COULD NOT do. Don't do that! I know enough of myself to recognize that a sure-fire way to get under my skin is to tell me what I can or can't do - to tell me I can't do something is to challenge my ability, or my beliefs, or any number of thigs - in general, it is to challenge me. I got so mad at her, and she was completely unaware. But in a way, she was right...
You see, it's not simply that I don't know how I feel - even aside from doubting my own motives, I've only known the girl for TWO MONTHS, and while I think it's amazing that we get along this well - and we do, I'm sure of it - it reminds me all too much of my relationship with Nancy, and I don't want to lose a friend just because we were forced too close too quick.
It's not only that, but it goes back to the post I deleted. It's common knowlege that for many reasons, I am a dedicated Conservative Catholic. not only that, but my religion, as I should expect from anyone, means alot to me. But it goes beyond that! My one, single goal that I KNOW I have right now is to start a family, and to that end I have put alot of thought. And much of what I want in a wife is based on what I want for my kids - I want to raise my kids a certain way, with certain values, and I'm not saying anyone else is definately wrong, or I'm definately right, but I believe it's my right and duty to provide these certain things.
I don't mean to imply that I'm ready for marriage - I'm not, not for years yet. But when I think about girls, and going out, and relationships, there's only one direction those thoughts head towards, and ruling out friendships, it inevitably ends in marriage. I don't mean to imply what it sounds (to me) like I am, but I just have to express myself. I'll burst!
I don't mean to say NOTHING will ever happen, and I don't mean to say I don't WANT anything to happen. I don't really know what I DO mean to say, besides maybe that I'm scared witless at how going-out-esque this is begining to seem, and I don't want that, not now, not again. I must sound like a rambling madman, but perhaps I'm not too far off....
I also must say that while I still care about Claire the same as I always have, I also care just as much about Emily, who you haven't heard tell of in a while, but who is rarely far from my thoughts. I don't mean by that to degrade how I feel about Claire - for anyone who knows how I feel about Emily, it actually raiuses Claire to put her on the same level. But at that, I still haven't heard back from Emily.
I seem stuck between a girl who "won't" be mine and a girl who "can't" be mine.
I feel like such a bastard.
But even at that, even as bad as I feel for saying all this, even as much as I fear hurting Claire, or offending someone else, I so needed to get this out. I feel a great weight has been lifted from me, and I pray the consquences aren't more than I can bear.
Please, please forgive me.
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