Sad and tired...

[jackofallgeeks]

I just want to lay in bed and cry for a few days.
Not for any readily-articulated reason. I just feel... sad.
I want to be comforted, but there's no one withing several hundred miles to comfort me. I just feel alone.

I've had a lot on my mind recently. Of particular note is this girl. Without getting too much into the details, mostly because I'm just too... tired right now: she's a really nice, really pretty girl. I don't know her enough, yet, than to say that I have a crush on her, but that's a kinda nice feeling after, you know, not. But there's the usual anxiety that she has no real interest in me, despite the interest I have in her, and the memory of the fall is enough that I almost don't even want to risk it. "Better to have loved and lost" just doesn't ring as true to me in the wake of recent hurts. and I recognize this as a failing on my part, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.

And then there's the matter of... She has a daughter. I don't know the whole story, but the girl isn't married, and her daughter is a pretty cute kid, but I really don't know how that makes me feel. 'Scared' and 'uncomfortable' come to mind, though. I was talking to my friend Laurel about this and she asked me what I thought of it -- and I kind of shrugged it off with a "it doesn't really bother me," which surprised her (she expected something different from The Catholic, I guess), but... Well, my own sister had a child before she was married, and a number of my highschool friends have had children, and not all of them are even married today. And that doesn't make them bad people; foolish, maybe, guilty of making bad choices perhaps, but... What makes me most uncomfortable about this girl and her daughter, really, is failings in me. i get scared that I won't make a good father to my own kids... And maybe it's horrid to say, or the wrong attitude to take, but I don't know how I'd deal with someone else's kid. I think I'm a jealous and scared and short-sighted man.

And it probably doesn't even matter, anyways, because I might not mean anything to her.

*sigh*
It's 3am. I don't want to go to bed. It seems I've been avoiding sleep lately; that can't be a good sign. But I don't really have anything to keep me up any more.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone to cry to.
I wish I was going to see The Guys at the card shop tomorrow instead of working on my AI group's project.

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

Don't feel too badly about the whole she-has-a-child thing. That's very daunting, and should make anyone think twice about entering into a relationship - because you aren't just accepting one person into your world, you're accepting a person and their child, which means accepting a parental role over someone to whom you are not actually parent whether you like it or not. For her part, she's a brave girl, to accept responsibility for what she did and keep the child, raise the child. I am not entirely sure that, despite my own deep-seated misgivings about...certain issues, I could be that brave.

Try not to worry about whether or not you'd be a good father. I think you'd be a very good father, considering your capacity to care for others...and anyway, it's impossible to know what kind of father you'll be until you're actually holding your first child in your arms.

I wish I could be there for you to talk to. I need someone to talk to as well. Misery, as you said, loves company - even misery for no tangible reason.

[sugarpoisonappl.livejournal.com]

from a mother who once wondered if having a child would put off a potential suitor ... the fact that you're concerned about your ability to be a good father, says to me that you're obviously conscientious enough about the matter that when a situation arises for you to be a father, or father-ish figure, you wouldn't fail at doing it well. the guys who are cocky about it and just assume that they're the best, are the crappy ones in my experience. when i was leaving angelique's father, i remember wondering what in the world it was going to be like, having a child. any man i might be involved with would be in her life, and i wasn't sure how things would unfold ... obviously, though, steve and i are still together a year and a half later, and i've been blessed that he is a wonderful father and angelique adores him. she calls him by his first name, and no one's ever suggested to her in any way that he's a "replacement" for her father, because that would just be wrong. i'm not sure what my point is anymore ... la.

if you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up. really. it's nice to feel needed from time to time ... *lol* i'm on aim a lot, and during the day even if i have an away message up i'm usually at the computer because i'm such a big loser and all. i don't usually message you because your away message is up, but maybe i should try anyway and see what happens. we used to have some rather nice talks. ^_^ (rememer, back when you were obsessed with me and hitting on me constantly and stuff ... *eyeroll*)

i really have to go to bed now. <3 take care of yourself and know that i'm here if you need.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

-smiles- Thanks.

Truth be told, empirical evidence points to the fact that I'll do OK; I've had a lot of experience with kids through my siblings, and I think I have a pretty well-balanced attitude about how one should and should not treat children, but... Well, with my dad as a role-model, I feel I have pretty big shoes to fill. And I'd like to raise my kids into people I can like and respect, which is asking a lot. -smiles- Just, you know...

(I'm glad to hear things are going with for you and Steve, and for your family in general.)

-smiles- I'll have to make a more-conscious effort to tag you on AIM; I missed you during your absence, and now that you're back again I've hardly seen you. I do the same thing with my AIM -- partly due to habit but partly, to be honest, because I think it would be a little depressing to let it down and not be assaulted by messages. And I do remember our nice talks (and my obsession over you; ah, good times, good times).