A Post for Thursday

Well, tomorrow ends my freedom. Trevor and Rose get back tomorrow evening, likely not more than a few hours after I wake. Maybe I'll get up early, just to preserve my time.
Maybe I'll sleep in, just 'cause I can.

Have to go to my Uncle's on Saturday to fill out some sheets with Johnny. I confess, i'm not nearly as enamoured with being his Sponsor as I am in being Mere's. Granted, I've always gotten along better with the ladies than the gentlemen, but... I can't stand how they're running it. It feels like I've been shackled or something. They hand him another worksheet every week that he's supposed to do with his sponsor. it can't be for my benefit, necessarily, and I assure you it means little more than nothing to him. It's so pointless, and the whole thing feels sullied with the paperwork they run it through. With Mere, it was a privledge, but with Johnny it's more of a chore.
I donno, maybe it's me.

Apoptygma Berzerk and VNV Nation sound very much the same, it seems.

-sigh-
We all get lonely. I'm better now than I have been other days. I'm not sure I'd write about it elsewise, at least not in the same way. I miss my friends -- I'm lucky to have spoken at length with Amanda tonight, and Leslie earlier. Aside from Louis, though, all my friends are several hundred miles away, and he won't be around for a great time longer. Beyond that, I'm lonely in a more conventional way, perhapse. I wish I had someone to sit on a couch with. I don't ask for much, really...

This is a good song. I really do like this style....
I would suggest you all go out and listen to Apoptygma Berzerk, but I presume it may not be everyone's 'thing.' Regardless, a few choice bits would be 'Mourn' (not the Industrial Heads Mix), 'Nearer,' and VNV Nation's 'Beloved' and 'Standing.'

I think maybe I should check out more VNV Nation.
I'm now curious of the relationship of these two bands.
I wonder if some songs were merely mis-named.
What if one or the other doesn't really exist?

Personal Demons

Y'know, sometimes I feel like a real fuck-up.
Like I'm not who I want to be.
Or that I can't live up to my own standards.

You, I know I'm human like everyone else on this rock, but it one claims to champion some ideal, he should fucking hold to it. A man's got to stand for something, and it's not fucking cool when he falls.

I can lay the blame anywhere I choose,
But it's my life.

It's not fun to feel like you can't do anything fucking right.
Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed in myself right now.
Probably not so much as it seems.

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Take a Breath

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I don't tell anyone everything. No one does, I dare say. Some ladies, dear to my heart, come pretty close, and I might say closer than they themselves realize. But, sometimes, I wonder if what I don't tell makes me someone else. Someone not who I claim to be. Almost like I'm involuntarily living a lie.

I want to tell someone, I imagine. I want there to be at least one person who I can tell everything to. It doesn't have to be a romantic interest -- sometimes I wonder if anyonme will ever have me in that way -- but someone still who I can tell the world to, and have them understand me. Someone who won't see the person I have to face sometimes.

But... it's not so easy. There's always some reason not to tell. Always some reason why the other person doesn't want to hear it, doesn't need to hear it. It's not so easy to show another person the side of ourselves that we would sooner forget.

Explative, to read this, you'd think I was some kind of freaking Jekyl and Hyde. Whatever, it's not like it could really make much sense anyways.

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I almost just went into a chat room.
I'm turning Arcanum on before I do something I regret.  O.o

(no subject)

Frustrated and Lonely.
I shouldn't be allowed to think between the hours of 11pm and 8am.
I think I'm finally going to lay down and get some sleep.

On the plus side, Autumn Kyrias, my character in Arcanum, is doing magnificently. I do believe she's level 20 now, with an 85-score towards Magical Aptitude and an 82-score on Good Alighnment. w00+

(Figures I'd be playing a girl, though.  ^_^;; )

(no subject)

"Material Girl" as performed by KMFDM is more than slightly-disturbing.
I think I like it. Alot.