Venting

[jackofallgeeks]

I came as close as I ever get to crying tonight. I very, very rarely shed a tear. Sometimes I wish I could, though...

I donno, I'm just really frustrated. I miss Claire. I miss her alot, and she's geographically and communication-wise closer than she's been all summer. But we're not together now. I like to say I'm getting over it, that I'm comming to grips with it... But it still hurts oh so much.

I still get a thrill when she's happy with me, or through me, or even NEAR me. I still want to be with her.

Sometimes it feels like the whole fucking world is against me - if I thought like everyone else, I'd still be with her. By that logic, if I thought like everyone else, if I rejected everything I am, I would be happier. And I know I wouldn't, I know that doesn't make sense, but DAMNIT!

It's so frustrating, sometimes, when I try to think it through... She'd said that one of the best things about me was that I was Catholic, and she would never wish me to change that. But isn't that the reason WHY we're not together, because I'm Catholic? If it's what made me who I am, and you claim to love me as I am, how can it not be good enough for your children? How can you leave me due to something you claim to be so wonderful?

...And then I think to myself, "Andrew, you're being selfish. You're upset because you can't be with her, and yet you claim to love her. If you REALLY loved her, you would want her to be happy, even if that happiness comes without you. Suck it up and move on."

I just want to be loved... I want to know I'm loved, know I'm needed, and know there's someone out there who will accept my affection... And I know I have great, dear friends out there who care about me, and want me to be happy, I you all must know that I do care about you, and I don't mean to diminish you at all in any way... But I could love Claire. She let me love her. And now that that's gone... I don't even know where I stand with her anymore. Even if I have EVERY reason to hope that I still mean something to her, I don't know what she wants from me anymore....

I'm aware that I have my whole life ahead of me - I just want to spend as little of that time as possible alone. I know I'm not useless, or unloved, or a failure, or any of that. I KNOW it, but I still feel that way... I want to convince myself that I really am this great guy that people say I am - but when you see girls like Jean, and Emily, and Claire walk away....

I almost want her to see this - I almost want to tell her this - but that, too, would be selfish. She didn't want me to be upset by this, I do know that. I can't let her know, because it would tear her apart, and I don't want that, least of anything. Please, this is only for you. I just... I don't know... need to talk sometimes.

"I know you'll find her because you deserve to find her. It's that simple in my mind."

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

Perhaps the problem lies in that she does admire the power of your faith, but is unable to cope when she and her future offspring are asked to be a living, breathing part of it. Faith scares a lot of people these days...they don't know what to believe themselves, and when they see someone who knows what they believe, and believe it firmly, they are awestruck, enraged, and/or terrified. While she may be drawn to you in part for your faith, part of her will probably always be very hesitant to approach a flame that she herself has not already walked through and become a part of.

You know, she might feel this exact same way? I highly doubt her feelings for you have changed in the slightest. Weren't you the one who always told me that you don't believe in "getting over" someone? I don't think that, if you have loved someone, it's possible for that love to go away. Fade, yes, but only with great time. And you are, indeed, lucky to have her friendship still. Friendship with someone you have known as a lover (to any degree) has a special quality of intimacy to it that does not exist in other friendships. It's a thing that should be treasured and held onto.

And, as one romantic to another - hopeless as this all seems, everything will work out the way it is intended, and that will be for the best. It may not seem like it now, but...it will. The girl is out there. It may even turn out to be Claire in the end. But she is out there, somewhere, and you will find each other.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

You know I don't believe in 'getting over' someone, or at the very least, it won't be happening to me. I don't WANT to get over Claire. You understand that, I'm sure.

You're theory as to her hesitation seems the most sound to me, as far as any I've heard as of yet. But it still doesn't make much sense to me...

I'm trying to realize that I'm lucky to still have her as a friend. First, I have to convince myself that SHE still wants ME as a friend. I'm so afraid that her feelings have changed. I suppose I just don't give people enough credit...

I know it'll work out for the best in the end - that's been my philosophy for as long as I can remember.
That doesn't mean it doesn't suck right now.

[surichan.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: I'm sorry, love. I know it sucks, and I wish it didn't have to be like this.