Life, Love, and Toothpicks...

[jackofallgeeks]

So I was thinking a while ago about what it is I look for in a Girl... Mike and I spoke for a bit about it today... a girl, he said, needs to be a friend, a room mate, and a lover. A tall order, he said. I think I would tend to agree with him, on both counts (what we want a girl to be, and that it's a lot to ask).

I've said it enough before, and I think I'll say it again, as it's what I was thinking before I spoke with Mike. I need a girl who I can Love. A girl who will be an outlet for my affection. I feel as though I'm physically bursting with affection, but it isn't appropriate to express it, fully, to anyone... I need someone who I don't need to hold back with, I think. Maybe that's even more to ask than Mike's request.

My friend Nifer once said that people are basically selfish, and that everything someone does boils down to a selfish desire. She even reduced a will to do what's Right as a selfish desire, and in the face of that sort of logic there's very little one can argue. still, I think I am a very selfish person. It haunts me. Even my love is a selfish love; I must needs be affectionate, and those I love are an outlet for my affection.

There has been a definition for Love that I've encountered a number of times, and which I hold rather highly. That is, Love is not an emotion or a state of mind, but an act of the will. A conscious action, something you choose to do, not something you happen to feel or tend to think. The trouble is that the willing is willing another's good before your own; that you would have another be happy, even if it means suffering for you. In a few cases, I might be able to claim something close to this definition. I don't know if I'm really capable of this sort of Love. I fear that, whoever She is, I won't be able to Love her enough as to have Her leave me, if need be.

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

::thinks:: Yeah, I suppose Mike's got it about right there, especially if you want to marry your girl. You've got to be her friend, be able to cohabitate peaceably, and be her lover. Those three things, though, sound so surface...and maybe it's just because I've always been a girl with a laundry list of standards for her man to live up to, but I should think that aside from being friendly roommates and bedmates, it's imperative to find in a partner someone you can love and trust - and be honest with. And that's just the bare bones. Love can seem so simple, but to make it work, especially for the long term, it becomes a pretty multifarious thing.

I've heard it said that the greatest test of a love is the ability to let someone go. I've thought about that a lot. I don't suppose it applies to me in that Mike let me go across the world for five months to pursue what I hoped was my dream; I guess this "letting go" refers more to losing a person physically and emotionally, allowing them to move on from you to another person. I'm not sure I could do that either, unless I was being absolutely horrible - and knew it - and convinced myself in a moment of altruism that letting Mike go was better for him. As it is now, though...I know my desire to keep him near is selfish in some light, but I also believe very firmly that no other girl could love Mike as openly and completely and well as I do. I'm far from the perfect girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure - and he corroborates this - that I'm about the most perfect thing there is for him.

I think that if you were to love a girl, Andrew, and see yourself in a clear enough light, it would not be impossible for you to let her go, should her happiness dictate - and I don't mean on a silly whim, I mean if it was genuinely what was best for her. You and I are both seekers of truth, in our own ways, and I don't believe that you could be so blind as to be unable to recognize her pain and know what could aid it. Selfish people you and I may be, but if love is true, I believe a big part of it remains selfless, and willing to sacrifice for the beloved one's needs.

It's late, and I'm rambling, so I'll end with a Jim quote that I know you and I both love: I know it's harder than hell to find peace between a boy and a girl...much less a man and a woman.