I have one goal in life, and it's very difficult to do alone...

[jackofallgeeks]

I asked Suzannah 'out' in an official way tonight... Put simply, for me and her, dating isn't just for fun or companionship, friends supply that (in theory). Dating is preparation for marriage, ie, it's specifically directed toward the possibility of marriage.

Her answer: Not now.

Which is a perfectly reasonable answer for a practical girl who has a good two years of college before she graduates. She believes she's not yet in a position to consider marriage as a possibility, and I kind of have to agree with her. Even I have been having doubts about my own readiness, and I have but one year left, and I'm quite certain I want to be married... Still...

I would, of course, rather be told I'm too early than that I'm too late. She said that maybe if I were still interested at a later date that there might be a different answer. She also said she didn't want to hurt me, and that she still very much wanted to be friends. I want to be friends, too. I'd like to be more, but to be friends will suffice...

It's been a long time since I pulled 90mph on the highway. It's been a long time as well since I tasted salty tears. Rachel was there for me, as she always is. The pain will fade, and 'Not Now' is not a 'No.'

I'm tired. It's been a very exhaustive day.
I think I'll go to sleep.

Comments

[timv.livejournal.com]

Emotionally, it still hurts quite a bit, but that's my own fault for setting myself up.
WOAH! You say that like it is a bad thing!! You could/should revel in the fact you have such an open, loving heart that although capable of experiencing extreme hurt, can also experience extreme love and joy!! Do you follow? Hurting hurts...but don't try to turn it off, because it might affect things on the other end of the spectrum. Indeed, allowing yourself to feel the hurt to its fullest might actually be the best thing you can do.

what do I do now, in the meantime?
Nothing different. Nothing.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Well, no, I've never really been one to view pain as a necessarily-bad thing. Heh, at the same time, you may be correct in noting that, from time to time, I feel that being so open and affectionate invites a great deal of hurt... -shrugs- No, I don't really think it's a bad thing, and I don't really want to turn it off, but hurt is hurt.

Nothing different. Nothing.
Heh, good advise. Though I didn't mean so much "how do I behave toward her now" as "what do I do with my life, generally?" I have this one real goal in my life -- to have a family -- and there isn't anything more that really drives me (aside from a great affection for my friends and a great desire to help them where I can). I've recently been defining more what sort of work I want to do when I graduate (Computer/Digital/Information Security looks to be an interesting field), but I have no real pressing motivation in that vein.