jackofallgeeks | (no subject)

and i quote:

"the heart wants what it wants... can't fight it."

-Mel

-smiles-
Sometimes, I wish the heart would just be content with what it has...

Me too, Andrew. Me too. Ever notice, though, that we get so caught up in things that it's sometimes hard to remember all that we DO have? The other moments drown us, I think. Because certainly... you and I both have amazing friends and some awesome family members.

But ah, we also happen to be completely hopeless (hopeful?) romantics, always wanting to love someone and be loved in return. We want that person who could be our best friend and someone who could know us completely in every way possible.

But like another comment said... just because you haven't found your girl, doesn't mean that she isn't out there right now wishing that you'd waltz into her life. I know she's out there and you'll find her when the timing is right. Maybe the thing is that you still have more to learn and go through so that when you meet her, it's perfect. Don't give up yet (you know, like me! Don't give up like me! ^___^;;;;;;;;;;) ...

-Mel

Thinking that somewhere out there there's a girl wishing she'd meet me... I could cry, it's so beautiful... I'm a sap...

You're right, I do have so much. I have good friends, and a great family, and a lot of potential, and... I really do like who I am, I do. I just don't like where I am, sometimes... I want that best friend, and I want to be able to love her, and guard her, and care for her, and crawl inside her arms...

Don't you give up, either, Mel. You're a great girl, no matter what. Maybe we're each just looking in the wrong places.

Affectionately yours.

Of course there is a girl wishing for you. You do understand that generally, most girls wish for a guy like you. True story. I know. ::nods:: So I am sure that you'll find the right one for you. ^__^

.... and you know, I don't think there ARE places out there for me to look. I think if I just went back to having tiny little crushes on most of my friends, I might be okay. The only problem with that is keeping track of myself... since you know, they are all people that will forever just be distant friends.

I'm more okay with that than I let on, sometimes. The friendship thing, I mean. I'm more apt to have them in my life forever if it's only friendship. Friendship offers the best of all worlds in that I can express such fierce affection and passion and protection towards them.

The problem is actually that of course, that's all it is and will ever be. MY passion, MY protection, MY advice. My watching them go off into their lives and hoping that maybe they might remember me on some random day or moment... with a smile.

Really, that's all I've ever wanted was for someone to believe I was special, for them to remember me as MORE than just this person who was in and out of their lives. I think I struggle with that with past relationships: the worrying that they don't care that I'm not there, while I'm suffering each day from missing them SO MUCH.

I want to be real, I want someone to know everything there is to know about me (all my dark sides, my quirks, my "little things") .... and still be able to look in my eyes and tell me, with no problem at all, that they love me as much as I love them. I just don't know if there IS that person. Or if there were, if I'd be able to see them, you know? To drop my walls and let them see ME - raw and bare and exposed inside.

It's scary, really.

-Mel

I'm not... clear of mind enough to reply to this propperly... i'm going to write this and then (hopefully) head off to bed. school starts at 9am t'morrow. But I wanted to say a few things...

It's one thing to know that girls do look for a guy like me -- like I said, I like who I am, and, I donno, sometimes I think if certain ladies would just give me a chance... To know me... But, as much as they may look for a guy like me, they aren't looking for me, and that's the killer...

I'm afraid we all fall to the GlassPane... We only see our side, and we see ALL our side, and it's easy to imagine that we're so separated from everything else... It's so easy to imagine that they don't think or care about us the way we do them... It's easy to imagine, but we're all human. We all feel. -shrugs-

I want to know someone. I want to sit with a girl and listen to her tell me about her life, who she is, who she was, and how she got there. I want to hear about the other men she's loved, the friends she's had, and the hell she goes through every twenty-eight days. I want to sit with her, and hold her, and smell her hair, and love her passionately.

I'm a simple guy. I don't want much.

It just means you haven't met the perfect one yet, doesn't mean she's not out there looking for you as well. Just don't let yourself get lost on the way to her.

Heh, yeah, some nights are rougher than others... People don't seem to care sometimes... And, y'know, all I want is to have a Someone, a friend, a companion... And it's so frustrating when there ARE people who care, and I know they do, but I can't feel that passion... y'know what I mean?

I spoke, in passing, with my friend Becky C. That was nice, and it made me feel better. I don't like feeling forgettable.

Seems to me, using my 'vision of experience' that you are at a crossroads. You have decisions that need to be made, and they aren't minor ones. That is always a hard time, and full of introspection. It is a lonely time too. I have faith that you will figure it out, and I always remember you!

Yes, yes I do... I can think of a few, myself, if I try... I wonder, are there any decisions, in particular, you see I need to make?

I am lonely. Alternately, very lonely. I miss Claire. I wish my friends were closer, in every sense. I wish I knew more of the people I WANT to know, and I wish I knew the people I DO know better.

I'll be better in a number of hours. Yesterday I was in a really good mood. The same with the day before. Most of today was good, too. Tonight's just been hard...

And Dawn, you really don't know how important it is to me... that you remember, and such... In the dark corners of the night, i'm not nearly as confident as I seem... I've spent a good deal of my life leaving friends behind... I'm tired and not feeling well, I shouldn't be talking... ^_^;;

What does one take for abdominal cramps?

(I remember too, Andrew.)

Hmmm..... Aleeve (gosh, wrong spelling maybe) always works for me. It depends on the cause of the cramp, really.

-M

(I remember you, too.)

-laughs- I would expect that you have probably experienced a number of causes for cramps that I never will... -laughs-

A buddy told me tea. I'm trying that, now.

::cracks up:: But of course I have. I'm a girl, after all. Then again, having had hormonal problems through my teen years, where honestly I had the testosterone (god, my spelling, could it look worse?!!!) level of a male....

...

.... I have concluded that neither gender has it any better than the other. Both have their own problems and generally sucketh muchly. >_O (<---my eye!) ... so, you know. That means I can't say guys are blessed because they don't get cramping and bleeding like girls (although if you wanna know, it's a perfect hellhole every moment of every month ... if we aren't bleeding, we're on a giant set of mood swings coming out of the period and right before! AHHH! .... it's a true freak of nature thing that I'd ever want to spend my entire life with a person who goes through all that. Call me crazy, Mulder. ^__^; ...)

But all I'm really trying to say is that TEA IS GOOOD! ....

Well, I know you are trying to decide what school to go to, if you should transfer elsewhere. If you do, will you be closer to friends? Will you be around people who are more 'your cup of tea?' This would all work to make you feel more lonely I think, especially if you are not very happy where you are, yet feel trapped. Where will you be happy to finish school, where is she, where do you need to be to meet her? I'm thinking these may be some of the things.

Is it just cramps are are you ... um ... having to use the facilities often?

-nods- School is my biggest decision right now. There's a few people I want to stay here for, like Becky A., and Amber, and i'm getting along really well with my roomies, which is great... But, I donno... I think moving to Steubenville would put me around people more in my line... And there's a few ladies around in Virginia and South Carolina who... well... yeah... -shrugs- I think, maybe, I will end up transferring... I don't know...

-laughs- Ahhh, isn't it all so wonderfully awkward? No, I'm pretty sure it's 'just cramps,' but it may not rule out food as the cause...

If you think food is the cause, and you aren't going potty a lot, then don't take pepto. Drink lots of water to flush it out of your system, and try some baking soda water or alka seltzer for the cramps. What did you eat?

You will make the right decision about school and associates, you know you will. Don't let it stress you when you aren't feeling well. It is a viscious cycle.

Sorry, once a Mom, always a Mom!

But hey, being a mom (especially to your friends, I;ve noticed) is good. :)

That's good, I sure do it a lot!

Get some rest, take care, drink lots of water!

Heh, one might expect we'd have more of these medications. I've never been a fan of drugs, myself; maybe after this semester i'll put more stock in them.

I had a hamburger. It wasn't underdone (if anything, overdone), but it may have been that I ate it too fast (it was a whole pound of meat!), or maybe it was too much after not eating much at all the whole rest of the day. Or whatever. The tea's helping some, but I think if I lay down I'll start to feel even better.
I'll remember the water; I like water. I don't drink it enough, though.

-smiles- And I don't mind the mothering. Sometimes, I think we all just want someone to take care of us. ^_^;;

Yeah... love can bring you happiness or misery... I think both you and me seem to be getting it's low tides though...

All things, I think, come in waves. Welcome to the trough, ne?

Welcome? I think I've been here forever... like one those pools of water near the beach always full.. kinda stagnant.. can't escape.

Odd, if I do remember, you had yourself a few days of happiness not but a month ago or so. Maybe I'm missing something, but then, I do recognize our tendancy to forget the past and get lost in the present.

Things may suck hard today, but they'll get better in the end.

I meant in terms of how my life has been going with love...

*slaps him around a bit then gives him big hugs* don't do this to yourself again my friend... this misery is my department, not yours... i'll fight ya for it...

You'd win in a fair fight.
Luckily, I don't fight fair.
Regardless, you shouldn't get yourself down, either.
Last night, I just needed someone to talk to, and until Dawn and Mel showed up, there was no one.
And I was feeling ill.

I know exactly what you mean, 'cause I've been there too, and I haven't been in a happy relationship quite long enough to forget how being there feels.

Still, I'm living proof that it happens eventually...and sometimes in ways you totally don't see it coming. Don't ever give up hope.

-smiles- I know you've been here. I'm really glad you aren't, anymore. But I've attempted to express my congradulations before already.

And, as a fact, I've been where you are before, as well. Or something similar, I imagine. I haven't given up hope, and you know I likely never will. It's just depressing, frustrating, and angering (is that a word?) when... -smiles- When a bad night comes along, and the world seems against me, is all.

Well...Mel's already said more than I possibly could on this subject...so I'm just gonna leave it with best wishes and a big cyber hug.

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You say such sweet things...

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Daydreams

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Thanks, Dawn

You are certainly welcome!

Fever dreams...

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warning: T.... M..... I

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