Personal Demons

There's a quote, an adage, a saying that I can't locate that says, "we hate most in others that which we see in ourselves."

I mentioned a post or so ago that this Lent I'm wrestling with a personal demon of mine. I was and plan to remain vague on the details.

There are a few reasons why I don't talk about what it is I see wrong with myself. Firstly because I'm proud -- I don't like admitting my mistakes. In fact, Pride itself is arguably my greatest flaw, so great in fact that I hardly see any problem with it at all. In part I'm defined by my self-confidence, and in part that self-confidence is a great strength. It can also be a hindrance, though, when taken to the extreme. Sometimes I skirt that extreme pretty closely; I can't say I don't think I'm better than other people, because I do think I'm better than other people. Generally not anyone I consider a friend, not anyone who will be reading this post -- in a number of cases, I feel humbled by you guys. In a few cases I'm not really sure why you choose to associate with me.

That's one reason. The other reasons generally stem from the same flaw, though.

I don't generally care what other people think. I am myself, I will do and say and think whatever I will, and anyone is free to agree or disagree with me as they please. This changes, though, when to set of 'everyone' is narrowed, as it is here, to those I care about and those I admire. I can't help but care what you all think of me. And as it seems you all have favorable opinions of me, I'm more than a little hesitant to shed light on the bits of me that might cause you to think less of me. I don't want to break whatever opinion you've developed of me. As far as I can tell, I like who it is you all think I am. And, generally, who you think I am is pretty close to who I am, and even closer to who I'd like to be.

So, that's two reasons.

I generally don't look at these bits of me, either. I don't like them. When I can, I like to forget that they're there. Talking about them requires me to look at them, to acknowledge them. And like I said, I don't like admitting my failures. I like admitting them to myself even less than I like admitting them to others, I think.

Finally, I don't talk about what I see as flawed in myself, in part, because I'm afraid that some of you, or all of you, might not think that what bothers me is really a problem at all. I'm aware of the fact that many of my friends don't share my values and beliefs. Sometimes, some of what we believe is pretty diametrically opposed. Not always -- not even really often, I think, which is what allows our friendship to endure. But it's there, it happens, and sometimes it's the most basic and fundamental things we disagree on. I have trouble enough wrestling these demons without having people I care about and admire telling me that it's not simply a futile battle, but a foolish one; that I'd be better off not fighting at all.

Another of my flaws, also stemming from Pride, is that I'm almost-blindly self-reliant. Try though I might, the only one I can ever rely on 100% is me; if I don't do it, it might very well not get done. I can really only direct myself, and if I'm not actively directing I can't be sure things will go right. This is the root of my lack of faith. I believe in God and most everything that belief should imply, but I have a very, very hard time trusting in Him. I can't stand to be passive, and I can't trust anyone else to be active.

That's not to say I don't trust any of you, or that I don't think you guys are reliable, or that I expect your loyalty of affection to falter, ever. It's a flaw in me that, even knowing better, I can't seem to overcome. I can't help but to rely on me.

And I'm out of thoughts for the moment. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Dresden Files: Storm Front

So, just the other day I finished reading Storm Front, the first book in the Dresden Files series. This says something significant because I only started it, what, a week ago maybe? Sure, it was only about 400 pages long, but I've never been known for my reading speed. it usually takes me several weeks or over a month to finish a book, at the very least because I don't take time to read. Not so with this; I didn't want to put it down.

Some of it was pretty formulaic. like how the author would explain some key point a chapter or two before it became a crucial tool for the hero to get out of a tight spot. I think I would have liked to be a little less aware of that. But I really liked the modern-fantasy/noir feel to the setting. I liked how magic was handled, and the way it interacted with the 'regular' world. I might have a couple gripes with a detail here or there, but I liked it.

I just ordered Book Two off of B&N.com; I'm gonna get some value out of that Membership I got for Christmas, after all. I also threw in a Jars of Clay CD and a Palladium RPG book -- both of which I would have gotten eventually, anyways -- so that I could get free shipping.

I wonder if that's a fallacy of some sort, that somehow it's foolish to buy fewer large oders in an attempt to save on shipping, kinda like saving $2.00 on an 8lb jar of mayonnaise. Except that I'll actually read all these books (eventually); I hardly ever read mayonnaise.