John Noble (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jackofallgeeks) wrote2003-04-27 10:04 pm
jackofallgeeks) wrote2003-04-27 10:04 pm
On a Lower Note...
I don't want to have to beg for affection. I don't want my every motion to be questioned. I don't want people to wonder what I mean when I give a friend a hug, or tell a girl she's pretty. Even when it does mean something, why does it have to mean something?
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to expect that those I consider friends aren't going to provide the support I need. I don't want to think they they'll respond to my needs with a sarcastic 'oh, poor baby.' I don't want them to try and impose who they think I am over who I'm trying to show.
I don't want them to think I'm upset with them for any reason. I do feel alone. I miss my friends. And what right do I have to say that for? I hide myself well enough. For someone who's always around, I'm never here. I wish I could spend time with them. I get tired of this digital existance. The only ones who mean anything to me I see through a computer monitor. I want to see them and touch them, and really talk with them. Not just speak at eachother, but rerally DISCUSS things, and connect on that personal level that makes you feel like there's really something there.
I want to know where my own biases end and the reality of the situation begins.
As long as she's in my arms, does it matter who she is? I want it to.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to expect that those I consider friends aren't going to provide the support I need. I don't want to think they they'll respond to my needs with a sarcastic 'oh, poor baby.' I don't want them to try and impose who they think I am over who I'm trying to show.
I don't want them to think I'm upset with them for any reason. I do feel alone. I miss my friends. And what right do I have to say that for? I hide myself well enough. For someone who's always around, I'm never here. I wish I could spend time with them. I get tired of this digital existance. The only ones who mean anything to me I see through a computer monitor. I want to see them and touch them, and really talk with them. Not just speak at eachother, but rerally DISCUSS things, and connect on that personal level that makes you feel like there's really something there.
I want to know where my own biases end and the reality of the situation begins.
As long as she's in my arms, does it matter who she is? I want it to.
Preach On, Brotha!
Yes, in the one case, I know it's going to take time. And I feel I will always love her -- I don't want to not love her, I just want to be able to live with it, and not feel so useless sometimes, you know?
But... To an extent I already knew this. I know that it's not going to be easy, and I know it's going to hurt, and I know I'm going to miss her. Not all the time, because sometimes I'm fine, and I do alright. But then something will strike me, and the world will feel a little bit colder, and a little bit more hollow.
I think I've said it before, but I owe alot to a number of ladies who, unbeknownst to them but knownst to me, have really helped me climb back out of the pit, a lot. Kept me from giving up on myself and such.
Yeah, I just wanted to say "That's exactly how I feel."
Thanks, Louis.
Re: Preach On, Brotha!