Gloom

[jackofallgeeks]

My Dearest Claire,

It's been about six months now. Do you ever think of me? I still think about you. Most of the eight-hour trip home tonight was spent thinking about you. I suppose that happens when one grabs a Country CD instead of the Savatage they had expected.

This letter isn't meant to be a lamentation. It's a confession.
I'm content with the way things are. I can't tell you what it means to me that you and I are still friends, after all the horrible break-ups I've seen, both first- and second-hand. My confession is simple, almost obvious. I still haven't given up on 'us.' We haven't been together for six months now, and I still... I don't know. I'm not even sure really what I want anymore. I had had everything organized before August came around. I knew my priorities, I knew where I wanted to be in five years, and ten, and twenty...

Now I don't know anything. I don't know what I want to do, or how I want to do it, or anything. I don't know if I want a relationship or if I like the Single-life -- it's not like I haven't spent most of my life single anyways. But everything I though I knew... I know I was happy with you, and I know I want to be happy again.

I don't know how things can be different. I want them to be, but the block we hit was a sturdy one. I think I may have found the hints of a fracture, but only if you were still interested. No matter what I do, it doesn't matter if you don't want me. As it is, though, we're just friends. And I can live with that, I think. I would rather be tormented and have you near than to remove this burden and see you walk away.

Maybe one day you'll read this.

-Andrew


What it comes down to is that I chose my Faith over the woman I love.
I still haven't decided what this says about me.

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I wish I could decide in my own mind what it says about you...I don't agree about the lines being drawn so firmly between Catholicism and Protestantism, so that makes it extremely difficult. I can't judge you on all this.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I agree as far as the lines being not so firm, which is where my new-found self-doubt originates. But even at that, anything I decide or figure out it worthless if she's no longer interested herself.

-shrugs- I'm not looking for judgment, or even really for others opinions on what i did, what I didn't do, or what kind of a person this makes me. I'll decide that for myself eventually, I suppose.

This was really only meant to express... some facet of me which I don't think gets shown, or at least not in the right light. -shrugs- That and as a preliminary run to see if and what I want to tell Claire, should the occasion arise.
Or something.