John Noble (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jackofallgeeks) wrote2003-01-14 11:46 pm
jackofallgeeks) wrote2003-01-14 11:46 pm
Claire, Amanda, and Moving On
Well, I think I want to share a bit more of the inner workings of my life with you people. Honesty's a good thing. I've always known that, but it's still difficult sometimes to say what it is I have to say. I've been learning recently though, thanks to Claire and Amanda, that I'll feel better if I just jump right in. Also, I would like to consider you all dear friends, and I would like to offer my support, but also feel I can ask for someone to be there when I need it, too. I'm not Superman, and I should hope it's not too much to ask that I not need to be him. To that effect, though, I should make an effort for you to understand how things are going, why they're going, and maybe the hardest part of all, where I would like them to go.
I wasn't going to cut this, because I'm always afraid people won't bother to read it if it's cut. I'm afraid it may get very long, though, so it may be best if you sit down.
First off, tonight. I said I got a kind letter from Claire, but I feel I should explain it a bit more. What had happened was that Claire and I were chatting, and to make a long story short, she said we should meet for a few hours when she came up here early in February instead of planning a weekend together in early March. Now, we all know how much I want to spend time with Claire, so I'll just say this kind of disappointed me, and I fear I made that evident to her, which I shouldn't have. After the fact (and before I wrote my entry for today) I regretted my behavior as thoughtless and selfish, and wrote her an e-mail appologizing. I told her how I'm always afraid that no one (not just her) wants my affection, and that there were times I feared she was just humoring me because I'm so pathetic. I know I'm clingy, and I hate it -- I'm trying as best I can to remedy that. I told her that I'm really trying to just 'be friends,' and all I want now is to be able to talk with her about everything and nothing the way I can chat with Leslie or Rachel.We would all catch the lie if I said anything but that I still care deeply for her, and hope I always should. I want her to be happy, and I want to be a part of her life. My goal is to get to the point where I'm concentrating more on the former and less on the latter.
Additionally, I'd told her of how it bothers me when I write an e-mail, particularly one that I bare my heart in, and don't hear back. It's a scar from Ms. Croft which I'm still nursing. I just get nervous when I say something and don't hear what's happening on the other side of the fence. I don't mean to ask alot, and I don't -expect- a reply even to every soul-searching e-mail. Just a little consideration to ease my little mind. This is why her e-mail was so kind and so appreciated. As I said before, it takes an amount of effort on my side to express myself. Anyways, in her reply she appologized for not being there for me (though she has been, and I thank her) and expressed a desire to see me next accademic year when she's (God willing) at Maryland.
Anyways, as a matter of fact I am moving beyond Claire, slowly but surely. I don't know that I ever want to be without her, but I'm learning to deal apart from her. To that effect, I've been pursuing Amanda for at least a couple months now. It's... odd. I sorta knew the girl once, but not really. She's my friend Sara's little sister, which seems weird in my head, but... We get along nicely. We've had alot of really good chats, and we feel the same way about alot of different things. She says that I'm cute (though agrees that I NEVER change), and she really likes that I can make her laugh, which I appreciate. Sara informs me that Amanda has a crush on me, as well, so who knows. The two sisters have, however, seemed to have a falling out since Sara's situation became as it is -- at least on Amanda's side, so I would appreciate it if no one mentioned that to Sara. Amanda still likes her sister, and talks about her from time to time, but she gets... distant, too, at other times. Anyways, Amanda's really fun to talk to, and she makes me feel good -- she gives me the same old lines that I've always gotten, but... The only thing is... Well, I've always thought she was cute, as I've mentioned on occation, and she says she's alot prettier than when I knew her. She says she's 5'10", though, which is... odd as I've never gone for tall girls. I don't know. Additionally, over the break, we had some really... slow conversations on the phone. I think that might just have been from having -nothing- interesting to say, and the time gap,. as we've been fine on the phone recently. If nothing else, she confirms what Rachel and Leslie and Kate and Mere and Oli and everyone has been telling me from the start -- there will be some girl out there somewhere who I can be happy with, and who will be happy with me. "If it's not alright, then it's not the end."
Though, I do wonder, might I be destined for the priesthood? Go ahead, laugh, I rather have suspicions no one here would take that seriously, but... why not? Think about it, I'm full of affection, and I want to have a deep faith. I don't think it's the way I should go, and I know that the one thing I've always wanted is to have a wife and family, but... Do I have the friends who would support me if that were the road I took?
Heh, I've just realized I'm leaving this open to Nifer. I confess, I'm afraid to tell her a great deal of this, mostly things about Claire and religion, because I'm afraid she may think less of me. As a rule, I generally don't care what people think of me, but an exception is drawn for those who I admire and care for. Honesty's a good thing. Honesty's a good thing...
There have been a number of other girls aside from Claire and Amanda who have made me feel nice, as well. My three lovely cousins aside, and discounting both Megan and Mel simply because, it leaves Olivia, Kim, and Liz. Of the three, Oli and Liz I've only talked to in passing lately, as neither one is on much. Kim, however... We've talked on occation, and I would even dare say flirted. I know I was flirting, at least, which is almost a first for me (I've been told a number of times that I was flirting, but it's only been recently that I've ever done it conciously). In anycase, it made me feel really good, and she's a really nice girl in and of herself, anyways. Thanbks to her and Louis I'm planning to drop quite a bit of money into Katsucon, if I can. kim said she wanted to see me in my Leather Pants again (my own little guilty pleasure, I guess) and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see her in that skirt again. It was nice to see her happy. Sadly, though, she's been really broken up recently -- her ex-boyfriend has apparently gotten a 'new' girl, and she's still really stuck on him. addmittedly it strikes a cord with me, and i'm upset that she's so miserable. >_< I hope she does OK.
Anyways, in the spirit of this renewwed openness that I'm going for (and because I need to open things to Mere anyways) I'm going through all my old posts and rethinking who should seen them. Some of them I locked at the time because people didn't need to see it then, but now... Some friends-only may become Open, and I may unlock a few of my other posts to you all. I admittedly don't have alot locked, but just incase anyone was ever interested in reading my old entries.
And so, I'm done! Whee. I'll go do someting now. -nods to this-
I wasn't going to cut this, because I'm always afraid people won't bother to read it if it's cut. I'm afraid it may get very long, though, so it may be best if you sit down.
First off, tonight. I said I got a kind letter from Claire, but I feel I should explain it a bit more. What had happened was that Claire and I were chatting, and to make a long story short, she said we should meet for a few hours when she came up here early in February instead of planning a weekend together in early March. Now, we all know how much I want to spend time with Claire, so I'll just say this kind of disappointed me, and I fear I made that evident to her, which I shouldn't have. After the fact (and before I wrote my entry for today) I regretted my behavior as thoughtless and selfish, and wrote her an e-mail appologizing. I told her how I'm always afraid that no one (not just her) wants my affection, and that there were times I feared she was just humoring me because I'm so pathetic. I know I'm clingy, and I hate it -- I'm trying as best I can to remedy that. I told her that I'm really trying to just 'be friends,' and all I want now is to be able to talk with her about everything and nothing the way I can chat with Leslie or Rachel.We would all catch the lie if I said anything but that I still care deeply for her, and hope I always should. I want her to be happy, and I want to be a part of her life. My goal is to get to the point where I'm concentrating more on the former and less on the latter.
Additionally, I'd told her of how it bothers me when I write an e-mail, particularly one that I bare my heart in, and don't hear back. It's a scar from Ms. Croft which I'm still nursing. I just get nervous when I say something and don't hear what's happening on the other side of the fence. I don't mean to ask alot, and I don't -expect- a reply even to every soul-searching e-mail. Just a little consideration to ease my little mind. This is why her e-mail was so kind and so appreciated. As I said before, it takes an amount of effort on my side to express myself. Anyways, in her reply she appologized for not being there for me (though she has been, and I thank her) and expressed a desire to see me next accademic year when she's (God willing) at Maryland.
Anyways, as a matter of fact I am moving beyond Claire, slowly but surely. I don't know that I ever want to be without her, but I'm learning to deal apart from her. To that effect, I've been pursuing Amanda for at least a couple months now. It's... odd. I sorta knew the girl once, but not really. She's my friend Sara's little sister, which seems weird in my head, but... We get along nicely. We've had alot of really good chats, and we feel the same way about alot of different things. She says that I'm cute (though agrees that I NEVER change), and she really likes that I can make her laugh, which I appreciate. Sara informs me that Amanda has a crush on me, as well, so who knows. The two sisters have, however, seemed to have a falling out since Sara's situation became as it is -- at least on Amanda's side, so I would appreciate it if no one mentioned that to Sara. Amanda still likes her sister, and talks about her from time to time, but she gets... distant, too, at other times. Anyways, Amanda's really fun to talk to, and she makes me feel good -- she gives me the same old lines that I've always gotten, but... The only thing is... Well, I've always thought she was cute, as I've mentioned on occation, and she says she's alot prettier than when I knew her. She says she's 5'10", though, which is... odd as I've never gone for tall girls. I don't know. Additionally, over the break, we had some really... slow conversations on the phone. I think that might just have been from having -nothing- interesting to say, and the time gap,. as we've been fine on the phone recently. If nothing else, she confirms what Rachel and Leslie and Kate and Mere and Oli and everyone has been telling me from the start -- there will be some girl out there somewhere who I can be happy with, and who will be happy with me. "If it's not alright, then it's not the end."
Though, I do wonder, might I be destined for the priesthood? Go ahead, laugh, I rather have suspicions no one here would take that seriously, but... why not? Think about it, I'm full of affection, and I want to have a deep faith. I don't think it's the way I should go, and I know that the one thing I've always wanted is to have a wife and family, but... Do I have the friends who would support me if that were the road I took?
Heh, I've just realized I'm leaving this open to Nifer. I confess, I'm afraid to tell her a great deal of this, mostly things about Claire and religion, because I'm afraid she may think less of me. As a rule, I generally don't care what people think of me, but an exception is drawn for those who I admire and care for. Honesty's a good thing. Honesty's a good thing...
There have been a number of other girls aside from Claire and Amanda who have made me feel nice, as well. My three lovely cousins aside, and discounting both Megan and Mel simply because, it leaves Olivia, Kim, and Liz. Of the three, Oli and Liz I've only talked to in passing lately, as neither one is on much. Kim, however... We've talked on occation, and I would even dare say flirted. I know I was flirting, at least, which is almost a first for me (I've been told a number of times that I was flirting, but it's only been recently that I've ever done it conciously). In anycase, it made me feel really good, and she's a really nice girl in and of herself, anyways. Thanbks to her and Louis I'm planning to drop quite a bit of money into Katsucon, if I can. kim said she wanted to see me in my Leather Pants again (my own little guilty pleasure, I guess) and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see her in that skirt again. It was nice to see her happy. Sadly, though, she's been really broken up recently -- her ex-boyfriend has apparently gotten a 'new' girl, and she's still really stuck on him. addmittedly it strikes a cord with me, and i'm upset that she's so miserable. >_< I hope she does OK.
Anyways, in the spirit of this renewwed openness that I'm going for (and because I need to open things to Mere anyways) I'm going through all my old posts and rethinking who should seen them. Some of them I locked at the time because people didn't need to see it then, but now... Some friends-only may become Open, and I may unlock a few of my other posts to you all. I admittedly don't have alot locked, but just incase anyone was ever interested in reading my old entries.
And so, I'm done! Whee. I'll go do someting now. -nods to this-
no subject
As to everything else, I think it's good that you're trying to be honest. It is, after all, in my mind, anyway, the best thing to be.
no subject
As for misunderstandings, I'm afraid that the Truth can cause those as well. That fear still holds my tongue at times -- and I still think sometimes it's best if the tongue is held, if the good it would do is insufficient to out-weigh any bad -- though perhapse that will change with time and practice.
no subject
I try to live now sorta-kinda Hippocratically..."first, do no harm", and all that...'cause I still like to believe myself a champion of Truth, but...sometimes, as you say, the tongue does need to be held.
no subject
A better way to express my philosophy, though, would be contained in what Louis made me decide:
Sometimes, you have to take a risk. You can't always play the safe side of the table.
And so... I think, in most cases, it's best to be honest than not.
Or something like that.
no subject
Honesty's good. ::nods:: Yes it is. :-)
..."but... Do I have the friends who would support me if that were the road I took?"
If you don't know already, know now - I will support you in whatever decisions you chose to make for yourself and for your life (as long as its not going on some homicidal streak through the middle of a city or something like that...). Harm to self and others aside, whatever you chose to do, or feel you need to explore, I am behind you 100%, and will always support you in whatever way you need. I hope you always remember that.
One day, I woke up and I was GAY!
Well, I mean, I've wondered, but I haven't ever doubted that you'd be by me.
And yeah, it is kinda therapeutic to say "Here it is!"
But at the same time, it's almost like saying "Hit me! Hard!"
Depends on what you say and how you say it, perhapse.
goody!
I got your back yo!...
Glad t'hear it. ^_~
No, it's actually really nice to hear from you guys. I have the utmost respect for the Priesthood, and I may take that path were I to ever be a Widower. I'm just really, really set to be a Family man right now, and I can't imagine how hard to would be to juggle all the responsibilities of a Father, a Husband, and a Priest.
-looks to the heavens worriedly- Not, uhm, that i'm writing it off or anything. ^_^;;
It's all you, Big Guy. Really. ^_^;;
no subject
and as for the priesthood...rock on! i myself have been questioning my own calling...not priesthood obviously...and not sisterhood either...but missionary, or just being a lifelong volunteer. i'm not as drawn toward theatre anymore...scary huh? so good for you, for being open to changes in your life-plan. <3
Even with all this technology, there's still times when the miles don't feel close enough.
If the Priesthood is your destiny, than all I have to say is, they're only better off for it. You're a wonderful guy Andrew! I love recieving comments from you, simply because I can trust that I'll get honesty as well as intelligence from you. =) You're a valuable commodity, and I can assure you that you won't end up a "spinster" in your older days. =) You'll find love, whether you believe it or not.
(Btw- in speaking of the priesthood, I suppose thats quite different from a Minister. Since Ministers always seem to have familys and such.)
Technology is a Wonderful thing, but no substitute indeed.
And I'm glad you enjoy getting my comments -- I enjoy giving them. -Grins-
And yeah, I'm a Catholic, and so I'd be a Catholic Priest if anything. We've got this long tradition of having Celibate priests and such, and I must say I think the reasoning is quite sound. We have started, in more recent years, having Married Deacons, which is probably the closest thing to your idea of a Minister. The Deacon can perform alot of the duties of the priest -- though I'm not sure what exactly -- but there's certain things that require an ordained priest. In any case, like I said, I would want to be Full Husband or Full Priest, mostly cause I donno how well I could do either if I tried both. ^_^;;
Or something like that.