The Girl

[jackofallgeeks]

She lay on her back beneath the thick oak tree on the green hillside. The sky was clear, blue, and cloudless, sharp with the chill of early winter. The sunlight warmed her face as she stared up into the vast ceiling above her, arms outstretched on the soft grass. A butterfly floated near and alighted on her finger, working it's wings slowly. She did not move. The sun slid down the domed sky, dying the world in shades of purple as it fell behind the horizon. She lay there, staring up at the deep hollow sky, unmoving, unseeing, as the stars one by one went out.

---

Alternate Ending:
The sun slid down the domed sky, dying the world in shades of purple as it fell behind the horizon. She lay there, staring up at the deep hollow sky, unmoving, unseeing.
A corpse.

This was the original ending of the snippet, and is still the ultimate intent of the passage. However, I thought it to be crude and rough-edged. I like the figurative slap-in-the-face that it gives you, perhaps, but thought it might be better to let the reader try and discover the truth for herself.

Might I ask for opinions?

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I rather like the first ending given, but that's because I tend to prefer that which does not slap you in the face, but which forces the reader to involve himself with the story intimately, and figure out what is going on for himself. I also believe that the gentle can be the more powerful. A punch to your face can bloody your nose, but an light, airy word from a lover can rend your soul.